Now that the Kardashian sisters have a lawsuit on their head for $75 million for their association with that ridiculous Kardashian Kard, they are currently looking into new business ventures. Options abound for girls who never met a product they wouldn't endorse. Here are some of the new ideas the girls are slapping their name on and a couple of the ones that miserably failed.
Kardashian Kollege - Kurriculum includes Public Speaking (not to be confused with Pubic Speaking offered at the lower kampus) where you learn to talk reallllllly realllllly slowwwwwwwly and overuse the words "amazing" and "like" while finger combing your hair.
Kardashian Kar - Think "Kitt" on Knight Rider, but the voice is slow-talking like the sisters. Developers are currently working on voice automation speed. A driver died when the Kar voice fell asleep during a very important warning. "There......like....... appears........to...like...... be.............. a.......... cliff.......... zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz."
Kardashian Kamera - First customers to buy were a kouple who put them on the tables at their wedding. Despite the non-stop photo snapping, all the pictures that developed were images of Kim having sex. Kamera has obvious flaws and went back for redesign and software upgrade for further analysis.
Kardashian Kards - Images of the sisters on one side and the 52 card deck on the other, unveiled at Vegas Table games. Kards were big loss for the casinos because the numbers didn't go higher than 4. That was as high as the sisters kould kount. Kards are back in product development until the girls learn what comes after 7. Everyone is very worried about the face cards. "Waaaaaaait...you..... mean like......the next.....number....like .....afffffterrrrr......tennnnn....... is jaaaaaack? That's amaaaaaazing....."
Kardashian Kondoms - Currently undergoing third round of testing as rounds 1 and 2 were colossal failures. Several thousand teenage girls got pregnant by guys who wear cardigan sweaters tied around their neck. The Kardashian sisters said, "Ohhhh...we didn't knowwwww they would like get hollllllles in them after we like walked over them in our Louboutinnnnnnnns."
Kardashian Koffin - Sexy images of the sisters branded all over the koffin. Makes funerals fun for all ages.
Kardashian Kremation - After the girls bore you to death with their "antics," they promise to light you on fire with their smoking hot asses.
Kardashian Kandy Korn - Mom-a-ger Kris sent the Kandy Korns throughout Georgia, the Carolinas, Alabama, Mississippi and Louisiana with a note, "May KKK bring you into the spirit of the Halloween season."
Kardashian Kocaine - speeds talking to at least 5 words a minute.
Kardashian Kamp - Millions of little girls on an elementary school field near you, learning how to manufacture talent where there is none. Graduates move on to Kardashian Kareers.
Kardashian Kareers - Employment service training women to make money without any talent or education. I think I know some women who can be advisors for the agency.
Kardashian Kalculator - Because 2 plus 2 really is 5.
Kardashian Kalculus - Are you fucking kidding me? You really expected a business venture here? You saw what the Kalculator and deck of kards was like! Kome on!
Diskontinued:
Kardashian Kolonoscopy Klinic - Currently under investigation as several patients reported colon cancer after their screening. Upon visits to other reputable Colonoscopy Clinics (differentiated by the use of the letter "C") it was discovered the Kardashian Kolonoscopy Klinic really just inserted butt plugs and never actually performed the testing. Klinic is now Klosed.
Kardashian Kabernet - Wine pulled off the market after each sister reported doing something stupid they didn't remember after imbibing. Kim ended up with a sex tape with the world's most disgusting sleazebag Ray J, Kourtney practiced the rhythm method with world's most disgusting douchebag Scott Disick and Khloe tried and failed to wax the world's hairiest vagina.
Melissa blogs at Velvet in Dupont and can be found on Facebook.