Sam-I-Am was arrested yesterday in connection with a Salmonella outbreak that left over 600 people ill. He faces several federal charges, chief among them Conspiracy and Introduction of Adulterated Food into Interstate Commerce with Intent to Defraud or Mislead. The federal indictment alleges that Sam-I-Am had full knowledge of the contaminated green eggs and ham and intentionally unloaded the product onto unsuspecting customers.
"He was relentless," said a federal investigator, "insisting ingesting the green eggs and ham in odd locations and in the company of random animals -- in a house with a mouse, in a box with a fox -- would negate any health risk to eating meat and poultry that had turned green in color. In the end, a slick marketing pitch delivered by an aggressive yet charismatic charlatan overrode the good judgment of his victims."
Though Sam-I-Am was unavailable for comment, his attorney maintains that he is a hardworking small-businessman who is "yet another target of government overreach."
Sam-I-Am was considered a flight risk, having easy access to a car, train, and boat-with-a-goat. He was denied bail and will remain in custody until his trial.
According to the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, Salmonella is estimated to cause one million illnesses in the United States annually. However, a CDC representative stated this outbreak was unique. "People don't usually consume visibly spoiled food. Perhaps products like Skittles and Flamin' Hot Cheetos have habituated Americans to stuff their pie holes with foodstuffs in ungodly shades. We are advising the public to exercise common sense. Do not eat green eggs. Do not eat green ham. Do not eat them here or there. Do not eat them anywhere."
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