The family of The Witch, the victim in the now-infamous Hansel and Gretel murder trial, was victorious today in their wrongful death lawsuit. Hansel and Gretel were ordered to pay six million gumdrops in punitive damages, the largest claim award of its kind issued by a Forest jury.
The jury deliberated for only an hour after an exhaustive three-week trial.
Though acquitted of murder charges in the criminal trial, the jury was not swayed in the civil proceedings by Hansel and Gretel's assertions that The Witch had cannibalistic intentions and shoving her into the oven was an act of self-defense.
The family's attorney made a post-verdict statement outside the court building, "From time immemorial, witches from Salem to Oz to Eastwick have been vilified and persecuted. But the evidence was clear-cut and could not be ignored. Hansel and Gretel trespassed on The Witch's private property, treated her cherished gingerbread house like their own personal Hometown Buffet, and then -- by their own admission -- barbarically pushed her into her oven where she died a horrific and painful death. Thus the jury found Hansel and Gretel's allegation The Witch intended to cook and eat them simply preposterous."
"And even if she was going to eat them," interjected The Son of A Witch, "she would have been well within her rights. Stand-Your-Ground. Cook-And-Eat-Children. Would be perfectly legal if we were in Florida instead of the bleeding-heart-liberal Forest."
The attorney quickly intervened to clarify that The Son of a Witch was speaking purely in hypotheticals.
Just one juror agreed to speak briefly and under the condition of anonymity, "Hansel and Gretel's attitude of entitlement was nauseating. They had zero respect for this lady who worked hard all her life for one dream -- one dream -- to retire in a gingerbread house. And these hooligans come along and eat all over it."
Hansel and Gretel declined to comment on plans to appeal. Their father, The Woodcutter, though a courtroom fixture during the criminal case, was absent for the duration of this trial.
The Son of a Witch was asked if receiving the large damage award comforted him. He scoffed, "Considering my mother's suffering? Breadcrumbs."
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