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Meredith C. Carroll

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Life Lessons from Kim Kardashian

Posted: 06/18/2012 2:53 pm

It was a meeting of the butts that need no padding and the mile-long fake eyelashes for which academics, scholars and philosophers, plastic surgeons and estheticians have been waiting for days, if not minutes, to witness: Kim Kardashian vs. Oprah Winfrey. Finally, it came to pass on Sunday night when Kim sat down with Oprah on OWN: The Oprah Winfrey Network for the first of a two-part interview.

It was a full-circle moment for both of the B-listers: This time last year (when Kim was planted firmly on the C-list and Oprah was poised to be inducted into the A-list Hall of Fame) they both televised every teensy-weensy detail of some of the most personal, poignant and emotional moments of their lives. And then after it was all over, people were sick of them both and kind of stopped caring. Which means they've both since returned to TV with a vengeance, hoping to gain the relevance they once had by, again, oversharing.

'Old people are, like, better'

"Before, all my boyfriends were younger," Kim told Oprah. "I love that I'm with someone who is a couple of years older than me. He totally buys me wine coolers all the time." [A voice from off-camera hurriedly whispers something to Kim and there is the sound of a mild scuffle.] "Wait, what? I thought they raised the drinking age in California to 35? Well, whatever. He still totally buys me wine coolers like a grown-up, so that's so sweet and cool and stuff."

'Divorce helps you grow'

"For what I've been through... I am that changed person, just from my own experiences," Kim said. "I mean, like, it wasn't necessarily the first divorce that changed me. And not my sex tape that came out between my first divorce and the last one. But I know by my next divorce, and definitely the one after that, that I'll be, like, a real changed woman. I mean, just look at Liz Taylor. Did you see how much jewelry she had at that auction thing-y after she passed away? And all of those perfume lines? Divorce helps you grow and appreciate different scents. And you still get to keep the wedding gifts, or at least all the jewelry and stuff if your lawyers put it in your pre-nup."

'I would be nothing without my looks'

"I don't think [my fame] would have happened if [I were a] skinny pretty model," Kim said modestly. "I look cheap and slutty. I'm a celebrity because through my sex tape people imagined I was cheap and slutty enough that they could get me, too.

'You like me. You really like me. Or at least you really watch me. All. The. Time.'

"I am just such a calm, different person, and my life isn't all about me," Kim purred. "I mean, all of you out there watching this -- and you, Oprah -- your life is all about me, too. I like knowing I'm never alone. Because I have all of you. And you all love me. With good reason, of course."

'It's all about learning'

"I'm totally growing up," Kim told Oprah. "I'm totally growing up. No, I mean that literally. I was just at the doctor and she said I'm at least three inches taller than my last visit. Sure, technically I was wearing stilettos when they measured me, but if it's on the doctor's chart it must be true, right? I learned that from someone once at an US Weekly Hot Hollywood party. The Dalai Lama, maybe?"

'Aha!'

"I feel like I've had an epiphany over the last year. And they said only some women ever even find their G-spots, so I feel, like, totally lucky." [A voice from off-camera hurriedly whispers something to Kim and there is, again, the sound of a mild scuffle.] "Um, whatever. I think I would know what my own epiphanies feel like, you guys."

"How much longer will we be "Keeping Up with the Kardashians"? Oprah asked at the conclusion of the interview.

"Well, at this point we've all signed contracts to keep doing the show on E! through our funerals. It'll be up to our grandkids if they want to continue past that," Kim said. "Our [unborn] kids are already committed. My mom saw to that and signed them on before another manager or network could get to them in the maternity ward."

"Good, because when you're not on TV regularly anymore," Oprah whispered solemnly as she leaned in close to Kim, "No one cares."

"It's true," Jerry Seinfeld live tweeted.

"What she said," Kim Cattrall told The Star-Ledger at the grand opening of a Taco Bell on the Garden State Parkway outside of West Orange, New Jersey.

"Yup," agreed Tim Allen via his son's friend's Facebook page.

"Listen to Oprah! She speaks the truth," concurred the male half of the cast of "Friends," whose combined followers on MySpace number in the dozens.

Part 2 of the Kim Kardashian/Oprah Winfrey showdown airs this Sunday night on OWN.

More at MeredithCarroll.com.

 

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