It's that time again. Everybody straighten your hair, unless you're Destin and Rachel, in which case either gel it within an inch of its life or dye only your bangs one color.
Would it be weird if I had blue streaks? I kind of want them. I could be channeling Rach. What's their kid's name again? Like Black Widow Spyder Glitter? There was a big spread in Us Weekly or something.
Anyway, we're back for more of Deshawne (I hope!) and glitter and yelling and lipgloss.
9:00: Okay, we have a promo tie-in for a Today Show stylist. She is wearing too much makeup. I don't think she does makeup consulting. NO more "BOHO-BULLSH*T!"
9:02: A shark ate the sleeves of Pattis shirt and she's also wearing shorts. Patti, too much skin. Too much. Deshawne is mad.
9:04: DOUG (WHO I INTERVIEWED EARLIER), divorce attorney. He makes me a little uncomfortable. But he was very nice via email. He likes exotic. Does he not look like Ricky Gervais?
9:05: DAVID, I-banker. Wants love to come to him. HE IS CREEPY AND HE WANTS TO GIVE ME CANDY AND PUT ME INTO THE BACK OF HIS UNMARKED VAN. BUT I REALLY LIKE CANDY. BUT NOT BALD GUYS. SO ILL JUST GO TO DYLANS INSTEAD OR A BODEGA. THANKS, BYE.
9:07: Meeting with Dougie Fresh. Zomg pinstripes! ZOMG DOUGIE ARE YOU WEARING A JUICY SWEATSUIT WHILE PLAYING A GUITAR? (ffjd, but then also definitely not ffjd). BBD alert. Bigger Better Deal.
9:08: Meeting with Dave. Two guys, two shiny heads. Brothers. They lived together until 3 weeks ago. He likes bubbly girls, but not a lot of Jewish blondes out there people. That's like looking for meaning in a Pauly Shore movie. Equally as rare.
9:17: OMG the girl lifting up her wig. What is this, Real Housewives of Atlanta? BRUNETTE POWAH! UNITE, FOOLZ.
9:19: "Because it's New York, everybody has dated a Jewish guy". O RLY? Then why can't my NYC FFJDers find anyone good? Harumph.
9:20: Mixer is at Greenhouse. Hah. FFJD. I'm pretty sure I want the number of whoever waxed Doug's eyebrows. They are nicely groomed. Dave is going straight Oceans Eleven/Patti Producer speaking in your ear.
9:22: Dave is really creepy. Patti doesn't know what to do. Well, this is new.
9:26: ANYBODY HAVE TATTS!?
9:28: WE HAVE A GREATNECK CONNECTION! FFJD alert. Dave sort of tilts his head to the side in a way that screams I like to place small children in blenders.
9:30: Dave picked the weirdo Freudian one who was his mom and also Sharon, the Tenjune hostess. I wonder if she'll come out for their date carrying a sparkler on top of a bottle of Belvedere?
Doug picked two firecrackers. SPICY!
Tenjune: "Dave is difficult to conversate with." If Tenjune ever falls through, there''s always a PA job on Sarah's Palin's Alaska.
We sit down and tell Dave he's creepy. Which is coming from Destin. Your life sux, Dave. Doug's date dances for him.
9:35: Doug won't stop talking about sex. Won't stop. Won't stop. Won't stop. Pearly whites. Dave picked Eileen, the pre-eschool teacher. She shouldn't introduce him to her children. Dougie Fresh picked Karen ze dancer.
9:42: Patti is doing a photoshoot and we are promo-ing for Patti on DVD. Special features: Latke recipe?
9:43: Doug's date: spa & restaurant. Clothing optional. We are at the Setai, With a Side of Remove Your Pantalones, Spa. Poor girl has to wear a swimsuit on a first date. ON CAMERA.
9:45: Creepy Davie is taking his teacher on a romantical rooftop. But first they are grocery shopping. ::Head tilt that says I am undressing you with my eyes and then I'm also going to strip you limb for limb and make you into jerky.::
9:48: We're talking about the Israeli army. She could kick your ass. The end. I think 4000 boys I went on Birthright with are drooling right now. I'm surprised this is the first time I've ever mentioned Birthright on FFJD.
9:52: Ilene hates Dave. He is making her eat weird things. She would rather have dirty diapers.
9:56: Karen didn't hate Doug. Patti is going to yell at him.
RACH I LOVE UR PURPLE BANGS!
9:58: Ilene hated Dave. Patti is going to yell at him. He gets kicked out.
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