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Fifty First (J)Dates: 5 Places You Should Never Go on a First Date

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So, you haz a first date. Congrats! Is he cute? Does he have a receding hairline? Does she have friends? Have you stalked him properly? I've provided lists before of great, inexpensive first date locales, but sometimes people need a little reminding that there are some venues that are just heinously, atrociously unacceptable for a Close Encounter of the First Kind.

You would think these are obvious, but I've heard examples of all of the places below.

1. Starbucks.

As I've said before, ordering Frappuchinos with a potential mate has the same level of sexual zest as a first date in the Gorilla House at the zoo. But, if Gorrilla poo and small children picking their noses is your thing, go for it. Usually, Starbucks involves having to elbow three yuppies with their laptops and ipads and avoiding the hobos who are making cute little mountains out of Splenda packets. If you have first date jitters, this will only make them worse. Apparently Starbucks has plans to start carrying booze, but until then, steer clear. WHAT, I CANT HEAR YOU OVER THE OBNOXIOUS SMOOTH JAZZ SPONSORED BY STARBUCKS.

2. The Beach.

Okay, I know the Jersey Shore guys take chicks to the beach all the time. But girls don't really like to be in swimsuits around guys they barely know. I don't care if a girl's body looks like Audrina Patridge (minus the ceiling eyes), she definitely won't feel comfortable with a beach date (although if I had that body, I'd wear a bikini 24/7.) If you just have to be near the water (or if you live near the water, sigh) see if you can do something more clothed. Save the clothing removal for a time when you know whether or not he/she is emotionally stable and/or doesn't have webbed toes/a weird outie bellybutton.

3. Anything With Your Family.

So you might really like a guy you've known for 12 minutes but introducing him to your mother (who will not stop with the intensive grilling situation) and your dad (who is reevaluating his decision to not own a gun rack) might deter your potential suitor. I know family is important, but really leave that whole kit and kaboodle 'til after you've done some canoodle(ing.) First dates are enough pressure, he shouldn't have to worry about impressing your parents.

4. Hooters

Someone suggested this to me. I don't really understand why it's a bad first date locale. It's a great first date locale if you like discriminating employees based on appearance, or if you love nice racks.

I, personally, enjoy both.

5. Your apartment.

No self-respecting chick is going to agree to a first date in proximity to your Star Wars sheets. It's important (well, I guess not that important if you're just looking for booty) that you have your first date on neutral territory. Third party locations eliminate a need to pick up your socks, stash your Fabio Romance Novel collection, or try to remove that funky stain from your carpet you bought freshman year of college but are too attached to because it has so many memories (and mostly has a lot of barf still in it.)

Where would you NEVER go on a first date? Leave it in the commentz.

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