To: Dana Scrow
Date: Sat, Sep 25, 2010 at 11:12 PM
Subject: Re: Important Message for Lindsay
Dana - This got "returned to sender" today. How was I supposed to know she was only going to be in jail for 14 hours? I had an entire Dean & Deluca gift basket sent to inmate #5559. You're her assistant, you should know these things and forward them to me. Please have the basket sent to the house with Dina. And tell her not to take the Camels out of the gift for herself, like she did last time.
While I look up the address for Promises: Heroin Ward 3, can you please send this to Linds' blackberry? Also, please make an appointment for the two of us for mani/pedis at 3:30 on La Cienega. With Tiffany. Not Amber.
How are your extensions faring? I think you should try washing them with the bar soap and not the body wash I sent, because apparently, according to Brittany at the salon, they're the least abrasive and most likely to stay your entire sentence. And like, you want your hair to look good.
How are the other girls treating you? Are you making friends? In the biblical sense? I miss having you to party with here in LA. I was just at Teddy's the other night and Tom was telling me how much he missed you and how you hadn't bought from him in a while.
Anyway, I hope you're enjoying your latest bologna and cheese sandwich. I tried to send you Nobu, but the guards wouldn't let me. Whatever, I fed it to a homeless man sitting outside the precinct and he was really thankful, but he told me that he prefers the spicy crunchy tuna to the salmon avocado. I totally agree, but they were out of the special $300 tuna, which was a bummer.
So anyway, I was just thinking about SevinNyne and the vodka redbull I had just poured myself (our breakfast of champions! I'm totally going to try your suggestion for the huevos rancheros with Johnny Walker next time) and I had an idea. I think you should try online dating in jail.
I know, I know, like you're totally going to run into Harry Morton and it will be "Morton-ifying" but like what do you have to lose?
Yeah, at first I was like soooo embarrassed when I totally saw that boy I went out with on Match.com at Katsuya with some slutty looking girl who clearly robbed the mannequin at Kitson (don't people know you're not supposed to buy the entireee outfit and wear it all at once?). But really, you might find someone you like.
And like, I think you can choose both boys and girls. Plus, Sam might get totally jealous. You know how you made like a fake ad for eHarmony? We should totally get you to be a spokesperson and then we can make more money and like you had totally endorse it. It's done wonders for Jennifer Hudson. Unless that's Weight Watchers. Don't worry, you're not fat. Just single.
Plus, nobody will know who you are. Like people won't be judging you, and know about your multiple arrests. So it's perfect. You can finally date a boy who has no idea you're like totally famous and in jail and you can send him flirts. Maybe you should even join JDate. Like I know you're not Jewish, but I hear there are lots of rich boys on the site. And like, you're from Long Island so whatever, it's basically the same thing. Just be FieryRedhead79. Totally worked for Jill Zarin's mom.
Miss you so much! I'm wearing a see-through shirt in your honor. When you get out we're going to celebrate like the golden days, when you had highlights and a job!
Peace, love, and 6126,
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