Fifty First (J)Dates: How to Handle a Jewish Mother (Part I).

10/01/2010 12:47 pm 12:47:47 | Updated May 25, 2011

You're going to meet his mom. This is a big deal. He has decided to tuck in his shirt for the first time since you started dating. Just be armed with this list of things to do.

1. Eat anything she puts in front of you.

I know you're on the Cleanse diet and eating halves of grapefruits like they're candy, which is causing excessive and severe heartburn and you're worried you're going to need an endoscopy. But when presented with a Jewish mother - friend of a friend, boyfriends mother, next door neighbor's daughter's best friend from Hebrew school's mother, you better turn into a garbage disposal. Make sure to be very complimentary, even if her chicken tastes sort of like lunchables. Which isn't an entirely bad thing.

Follow script below.

You: Donna! This kugel is the best thing I've ever ingested in my life. I said I hate Kugel? That must have been someone else. It really, although you could use it as a fabulous and biodegradable replacement to dry wall, tastes like heaven.

Do I want more? Yes. Am I unsure how it will physically fit in my small intestine? Maybe.

Donna: Oh, I'd have more but it's so fattening I'm trying to watch my weight. But here, you take more.

You: Uh, thanks.

2. Pretend you love to cook.

I don't know about you, but I make a mean....order for delivery. But, to Susan, you are basically Betty Crockerstein. Can you make chocolate chip cookies? Fine. Susan won't eat them, but her husband Mitch will eat seven, thank you, and then will be criticized by Susan that he's now undoing all of the hard work that his new trainer did for him when he was really just trying to read the NYT on the elliptical and wondering where the closest Wendy's is.

3. Let her think she's the number one woman in his life.

But really, let's be honest, you're the cuter one who has him wrapped around your finger. This would be an opportune moment for you to use, in the words of Miss Gaga, your finest "poker face." Because really, Jeff's moms "got to love nobody" except her precious little prince who must remember please to put the new insurance card in the Volvo and call Aunt Sally because it's her anniversary and she may or may not have just had surgery for her gallbladder, says Uncle Craig.

4. Let her make you feel excessively guilty.

She's going to try to make you feel like crap, so you may as well lie down and take it like a champ.

Boyfriend's mom: What do you mean you quit Hebrew school after your bat-mitzvah?

You: Oh, it was a conflict with my flute lessons and my parents said it was my decision.

Bf's Mom: I see. I believe that you can't really call yourself a Jew if you're not confirmed.

You: (Wishing you still had your flute for certain orifices) Yeah, I guess it's my fault.

Bf's Mom: More Kugel? I made the special new recipe that Jon's great-grandmother brought over from Lithuania. She had to travel 344 miles in the snow, without shoes on, just to buy cornflakes to make this Kugel. You should really have some more.

You: I didn't realize you could walk from Lithuania. Maybe there's something wrong with my Google maps. Can you cut me off a piece please?

Bf's Mom: I would, but my wrists are bad. That's what you get for raising three children while working full time.

You: ::through your teeth:: Hand me the knife.

5. Ask her for advice and gossip with her.

Even if it's half false and not really revealing, be sure to confide in her that Jenny Saperstein's best friend from high school recently dumped his long time girlfriend and started dating a dude (he redesigned your prom dress, this is not really any news.) She will be so happy that she is privvy to information and possibly can hire a new interior decorator to finally toss out Mitch's excessive golf equipment and old records that have been sitting in the garage, the only space in the house where he's allowed to put his stuff.

Just be sure to take some Kugel home with you. Because you are refinishing your driveway and are running low on cement.