Here we are again, and I am reporting to you live, in vintage Dolce & Gabbana, from my basement. I have three different kinds of hummus lined up, and I'm raring to go. We saw P. Stang last week lay it on think to Bryce Gruber (who tweeted at me that I shouldn't have called her a frosty biatch....oopsies!) and stick it to Tabacco and his sloot-mobile. With pleather seats.
This is the episode where RHONJ meet P. Stanger, which is an overload of Jerz. And I'm going to brace myself to make jokes about the Turnpike, whacking people, and summer camps where all the cool girls wore braces and had Hardtail pants. sigh.
Here we go!
9:00: Its Caroliiiiiiine Manzo. I think that Patti has met her match. Like, very literally. For once, this chick could take Patti and put her in a headlock and then hurt her with a tire iron. Watch out, P. Stang, these are her sons you're dealing with.
9:03: Albie - "I'm not into the dance on bars type." Good to know Albie, good to know. I guess I can't date you.
9:05: Chris. He's 20. Training wheels, "MIT." No no, not what you're thinking, but Millionaires in Training. Like MIT students, but far more intellectual and entrenched in pasta sauce.
9:06: Do these girls want to get to know me because my family is on the Real Housewives? Well, if they're willing to do a spread because of bankruptcy and pose with their children in ridiculous christening outfits, you should probably make sure they have good intentions.
9:09: Up there with Eugene Levy and the pie: talking about whether you like boobs or butts with your mom, who happens to be a mafioso who could rip you apart and make you into Chicken Parm.
9:15: "When pigs fly, sprout wings, and become Jewish" will Chris want a girl with a personality > looks. Trief alert.
9:22: Patti Stanger on education: "they have four year degrees but they need to me to tell them how to dress." Nikki is a jew, which is a problem, but she totally had stockings growing up, with dreidels on them, so she's kosher.
9:26: NYC: Real women, with real jobs, and real tatas. WE NEEDZ FEMININE ENERGY.
9:30: This whole dinner table with six girls type of thing is tres RHONJ. Is one of the girls going to flip the table on the other biatches ala Teresa?
9:34: Watching a mom watch her sons flirt actually makes me want to crumble into a ball and eat penne a la vodka in a corner.
9:38: Hey Olivia Wilde wannabe - ick. ALBIE LIKES DA JEWWWWWWWWWWW.
9:44: Medieval Times for your date, Chris? You're making a fashion intern put on a costume from a jousting conference.
9:46: I have those shoes, Nikki. #ffjd.
9:50: CHRIS IS WEARING SILLYBANDZ. #ffjd
9:52: Nikki discusses her Christmas tree and stockings. (I had them too. Shhh.) Albie is cute. If he's playing MOT, wanna go out Albs? I can take your mother in a fist fight if you give me a crobar?
9:58 These poor boys have multiple Jerz "enforcers" on their tuchuses. All things considered, they did pretty well.
Caroline Manzo is out at Medieval Times impaling someone with a stale turkey leg as we speak, muttering something about prostitution wh*res.
Read more Fifty First (J)Dates
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