Mostly I'm here to see what wit and wisdom our favorite cabbie, Deshawne, the oracle of the City of New York, has to say regarding Patti's terrible ensembles but knowledge in the realm of lurve. So sit back and get ready to discuss what socially inept exceptionally rich person who has decided to make a fool of themselves by going on national television will do this week. It might involve a helicopter, some roses, and definitely a lack of social skills!
9:01: Juuuuuudith is faaaaamous. (Judith Regan. This is clearly a plug.)
9:03: Andrea, who has an accent that rivals Mickey Blue Eyes. Anyway, she has a long list of attributes she wants in a dude that sort of looks like my extensive list of frozen yogurt toppings that I use in heavy rotation as to always keep my taste buds guessing.
Patti will decide what she wants. Are we ready for a smackdown? I am scared. I am scared. Two headstrong brunettes with thick accents tearing each others hair out.
OMG HI DESHAWNE.
9:06: Judith Regan, omg radio talk show host! Illustrious career. Radio?? Omg her granddaughter in that Alex Wang dress I have. I die! We're swankypants in the Hamptones hot totting around in a caftan. I hate caftans. Muu muus. Torch them.
9:08: Judith wants to hang out, sexually, with Bruce Vilanch. Sadly, when I think of him I think Hollywood Squares. He also sort of looks like a muppet. BUT he is funny. Um Patti just said "Juicy Goosey downstairs." I need to go die.
9:11: Patti is now lighting sh*t on fire, (Andreas list), not just people's egos. So, watch out, there is now a FIRE element to Millionaire Matchmaker.
9:14: Spehshul screening sesh. Three dudes for each girl. We're screening for the best of the best. Who will go on television. PS Rach still has purple bangz. Maybe I should go with that. We like Carlos for Andrea. Craig is awesome from one head shot?
9:17: We're making Judith's contenders do stand-up. And we're plugging Caroline's. Jon kills it with a Lindsay Lohan joke. Meh. Chris killed it with a paraplegic joke. Meh. But we still like Dave, who to me looks like Orville Redenbacher?
9:21: MIXERRR. Zomg Bruce Vilanch is here! But he likes boys. Sadz! Judith needs someone who is secure and funny and successful. (Jason Segel, call me!)
9:27: It's time for an intimate dinner party mixer with television cameras and Patti Stanger! Judith is getting ready to get on a ship. She is wearing blue & white. Where is her sailor hat?
Andrea looks like a hottie pattotie. Carlos is breaking out his sexay latin self. I'm counting how many bald heads are at this table?
Rachel & Destin look bored. They are wondering where their tattooed friends are.
Judith likes funny guys. We like Judith.
9:32: Andrea is unhappy. Recon time. DUN DUN DUN. Patti is piiiiiiiiiiissed. Andrea is all of a sudden changing? This is weird. Me likey Carlitos.
9:35: At the other end, we're having a moment of silence. Patti is kicking Dave out of the dinner party. WE ARE TALKING ABOUT JUDITH REGANS COOCH. The cooch in a sailor suit. I am under my coffee table shuddering.
Judith picked Jon, (but his chin needs a good shave), and Andrea picked Carlos.
WE SERIOUSLY NEED TO STOP TALKING ABOUT JUICES PATTI. ENOUGH WITH JUICES. I CANT EVER HAVE A SMOOTHIE AGAIN. EVER. JAMBA JUICE IS DEAD TO ME.
9:41: Patti drops her famous quote, which I dropped in my Washington Post article. I'm getting bored of it. You need new soundbytes Patts.
9:45: The Players, Andrea is cooking dinner for their date. Wasn't Carlos supposed to choose? But then she is cooking? But she told me it was edited to make it look like they didn't tell her? I am confused, Andrea. Read my interview and let me know what you think. This is not a date though, Andrea is looking for a new client?
9:47: They're at the Museum of Sex. Judy is laughing a lot. I've actually never been to that Museum. I wonder how often they use Clorox wipes on everything.
9:50: Omg Carlos & Andrea both love food and parrots? This is weird. But then again, we have a BAMF parakeet named Moe. So, I shouldn't judge.
9:52: Watching funny smart people on a date is refreshing. This is rare, and this will be the only instance of it on this TV show.
9:57: Judith loved her date!!! YAY! Andrea got a verbal beatdown.
So, what else is new.
Read More Fifty First (J)Dates!
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