01/04/2011 10:12 pm ET | Updated May 25, 2011

Millionaire Matchmaker Minute-by-Minute Recap: Sit, Paris Hilton, Heel!

Hay guys. It's that time of the semana again. It's time for our favorite Lady of New Jersey Who Is Not A Real Housewife But Should Be. Patti Stanger. And her impressively loud voice. Let's see who Patti will tear to shreds this time. Maybe an arrogant gay man. Maybe a delusional blonde woman with a propensity for expensive shoes. Oh wait, that's everyone. Let's dive in, like I did in the Lido deck pool and almost hit my head, which was stupid.


9:04: Robin -- beauty PR. Two small dogs. Everything is pink. oookahy. Wait, she redeemed herself because her dogs name is Paris Hilton. GIRL LOVES SOME POSSIBLY UNINTENTIONAL IRONY!


9:08: Bonjoooourno runs some truck thing. He is a commitment phobe. He has a bunch of horses? Which doesn't exactly go alone with the whole bachelor/truck/fast car thing. But maybe they're Ferrari ponies.

9:09: Bonji has a really bad commitment problemo. What do you think of Patti's one year of dating rule, FFJDers? Not sure I agree.

9:15: Scouting for chicks. Patti does strip dancing classes. I can't decide if this is surprising or the least surprising thing ever. Probably the latter.


Is Patti emphasizing Robin's weight too much? Would this happen if the millionaire were overweight?

Best line thus far: Patti: "Do you care about larger women?" Guy: "Well I'm black, so..." WIN, WIN.

9:20: This girl doesn't look like Sloane, sorry. Luke is a "jewbacabra," hot. But he doesn't like girls who are a size 24. Is Jezebel going to have a field day with this or what?

9:22: Robin is drinking wine with a straw and Patti is criticizing her. HELLO, IT'S SO IT DOESN'T STAIN YOUR TEETH. But you probz shouldn't do it in front of 30 men.

9:26: "The... entire... apartment? [is pink?]" Yep. I think Robin is drunk.

9:28: I LOVE PLUMBERS. ME TOO ROBZ! He can "deal with" her size, basically, because she's rich. Cayoot.

9:29: Okay Giamatti/Bonjourno is doing well, as opposed to the other sitjewation. Bonjourno chose two pretty, identical brunettes. Robin chose the plumber and the cop. What is this, the Village People?

9:31: I like the cop. "You're like, a good person." He so is. Canine cop. I bet his dog's name was like... Rocco. Or Rocky. I'm trying to dissect this Italian discussion. Is this like Ashkenazi and Sephardic? #FFJD CONFOOSION.

Plumber discussion is relatively painful. I am cringing. He also blatantly ASKED HER FOR MONEY ON THE DATE. HELLO. ALOHA, HELLO, KITTY.

9:35: Bonjourno chose Dana. I'm sorry, I literally cannot tell these two girls apart. But, he chose DANAAAAAAA! Robin chose... the plumber.

9:42: Patti is mad about penis flowers.

9:46: Bonjourno Parmesan and Thing 2 are going horseback riding.

9:48: They're biking. Kill me.

9:50: BONJOURNOOOOOOOOOOOOOO is at an Italian restaurant. In about an hour they're going to be disrobing and slapping each other sexually with mozzarella and tomato. Caprese. In your pants. They're in lurve. In Parmesan encrusted love.

9:52: Botox on a dog. This is a joke, no? Robz, can you fill us in on this?

9:54: I am crying. Under the coffee table. Dying. Cringing. This is cringe-worthy. On several levels. Several, onion-like, cavernous levels.

9:58: Patti is screaming, with good reason. Le sigh. Another hour of lip gloss covered. Please leave your thoughts in the comments.


Read More Fifty First (J)Dates

Follow FFJD on Twitter