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Millionaire Matchmaker Recap! Episode 5: Two Girls, One Patti.

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It's WAHOOuesday over here at Fifty First J-Dates! Tuesday. Which means, P. Stang is in the house, or in your living room in all of her three quarter-length cotton dress (probz red) glory, screaming at you.

I think Patti has really made it, given that Scarjo made fun of her on SNL. Seriously the best part of the skit was Dustin and Rachel, because for all I could tell it was Dustin and Rachel. Something about the pink bangs.

If you havent seen it: http://bit.ly/aPx7gm .

Shut up.

So anyway, tonight's episode is about two ladiez looking for lovez in the city that never sleeps, often smells of garbage in the summer, and has Ricky's (my favorite place ever. Dear Ricky's, please put one in DC? I need some Neon hairspray.)

Where do I even begin. There were a lot of chicks, some straight dudez with nice abs, and a lot of ceiling eyes, screaming, and Botox. Just like every other week.

The episode began with the infamous Elle shoot where Patti styled looks with "Too Nice to Olivia Palermo" Joe Zee. Apparently Patti was a total diva on set in her typical blue longsleeve shirt/dress and caused issues.

Who are the two millionairesses this week? Let's do this in bullet points because, why not, sometimes I like to pretend I'm still taking notes in a comm lecture/figuring out what to wear to the Tennis Pros and Hoes party on Friday, or figuring out what's new on shopbop that half my sorority doesn't already own:

Sky Neller: Pretty, international jet-setting deeeejay (I srsly thought that they would bring in Samantha Ronson when they teased for this, alas... no). Sky is pretty. She dated Jamie Foxx and Adrien Brody. Because they are just two peas in a pod, in my book.

Stacy Kessler: 45, from New Jersey, 4 kids. Stacy's face doesn't move. She is a model, actress, baker, dancer, host, and I'm pretty sure that her eyebrows haven't had an expression in seven years. She sort of reminds me of Danielle Staub.

Then occurred my favorite part of the episode: Deshawne, the cab driver, is back dispelling his worldly cabbie wisdom to P. Stang, telling her to puhleaaase not wear a pink short sleeve button down shirt, vest, and shorts all at once. It's GFY heaven, and basically looks like Patti molested Wet Seal and then took a nose dive into Express' Millionaire Matchmaker rack.

The visits:

Sky, like every other millionairess, likes shoez a lot. She also likes to jet all over the world with ugly David Guetta and awesome Armin Van Buuren and deejay and party and date Adrien Brody and look squinty together. Meh, impossible to please.

Stacy is such a mess I'm not even really sure what to make of her. She just keeps talking about how she's a host. Like, host as in a ghost? Like, host as in hostess at Chillis? Or like, host as in, host for foreign exchange student Long Duck Dong?

So then P. Stang was mostly annoyed at Stacy being such a whackadoodle so she made her go put crystals on her face. What happened? I don't know. All I know is that there were stones on Stacy's nonmoving face and they're going to remove negative energy and basically this treatment is over $250.

So then Patti screened a million straight guys which got her all excited in her Wet Seal shorts. Charlie was back, and there was a creepo named Chance whose face also didn't move, so he was perfect for Stacy.

In the end, everyone just loved this guy named Kevin, who is apparently also a model/actress/cabana boy/umbrella holder/aerospace technician/alien and both millionairesses wanted to get on Kevin's space ship to Mars.

Sky picked Kevin for a blind date because she wasn't happy with the Daddy or the guy who sounds like Big Boi, Tommy (his voice sounds exactly like him, or Cee-Lo.) And Stacy picked Kevin because he's also a host. Whatever that is. Is hostessing more lucrative than blogging? If so, I might consider a career change.

So Kevin had to board five planes for two dates. First, he went to Miami and sweated off his pretty little model face because Sky disobeyed Pattaya and made him come to her. So they sweated and played tennis and Sky was like ugh I gotta go bye now spin spin spin scratch scratch.

So then Kevin, the host of Wheel of Fortune, went to Barbados with Ceiling Eyes/Scary Face Stacy, where Stacy talked about things. Her big things. Her things that have things of things. She likes to do things. Kevin told Patti he could have 40 to 50 cocktails and he still wouldn't touch Stacy. Kevin wanted to go out with Sky again, but before she could respond she was on a plane to Berlin to scratch the 1, 2's with Sting and also Denzel Washington.

So basically, Patti screamed and these girls were impossible to please and poor Kevin went off because he had to work and leave early, hosting. And there he stood, as a host, hosting. He heard someone come up behind him, a little squeak in the night. Can we host together? said Stacy. I do love to host. And he let her.

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