12/22/2010 12:31 pm ET | Updated Nov 17, 2011

Sex and the Salad.

So apparently the supermarket is a good place for young people to meet other young people. According to Patti Stanger, Our Lady of Pink Office Motifs, the supermarket is a great place to meet dudez. So I decided to do some FFJD fieldwork and give it a whirl.

The "social" Safeway of Georgetown, as its known by us Beltway Insiders (and I guess supermarket enthusiasts?) has always been known as a prime spot for singles mingling over cheese wedges and boxes of 100 calorie packs, also known as Baggies Of Air. My friend told me he went right after the store was reconstructed and "handed out his number." I think that was an exaggeration, but let's see how it went, shall we?

What I wore: OOOh I haven't been able to write this one in a while! I was wearing my Sunday best, AKA a gym ensemble (leggings/sporty top with built-in support) and sneakers. Maybe this wasn't the best thing to wear when trying to pick up guys, but I wanted something that screamed Sometimes I Can Run When I Decide I Want To, And Also I Don't Want To Try So Hard But Can You Pass Me Another Roast Beef Sample?

So I get there and I immediately am side-by-side with another FFJDer I think with the same idea. (JBrands, long puffy coat, hungry for men eyes). I go straight for the new cheese samples. As I am munching, it's not even good but it's gratis, the cheese lady decides to tell me that by taking two samples instead of one, I have offended the Gods of Gouda. This is not a good way to start this adventure.

I begin following two girls in Juicy sweatpants, whose entire cart is filled with ONLY champagne and plastic baggies. I am intrigued, and hiding under loaves of bread to hear about their weekend recap. I am guessing they were prepping for a Mimosa Sandwich Bagging Contest.

Girl 1: I vomited twice this morning.

Girl 2: It's okay, I made out with Kevin.

Girl 1: Is Kevin the one from the football team who used to go out with Claire?

Girl 2: No, Kevin is the one from my section, you know the hot one who told me that we should study together.

Girl 1: Oh.

As I peer out from the display of turkey samples, of which I am eating 12, I see one of the girls OPEN a bottle of champagne. This is too good.

I walked up and down the aisles looking for guys, and there weren't really any hotties.

Well, there were two hotties but they were dating and not into girls. I watched them, all hot and in love, impeccably dressed and hanging out in the organics section. Straight men should try organic food. It's the aisle where all the girls hang out. That and the straw section. Because as I've proclaimed before, CHICKS FUCKING LOVE STRAWS. Also, the soda section of the Social Safeway is called "mixers." Guess they know what the Mountain Dew is really going to be used for. Chasing down your shots of Jager.

Maybe I went at the wrong time? I felt defeated, aside from the perusal of this month's magazines. Maybe there were no hot, available, arms-open dudes who look like a taller Paul Rudd because there was football on. I guess all the cute boys were horizontal on their couch with their hands in their jammie pants. Le sigh.

As I circled back to the cheese display and had another two cheese balls, the cheese lady gave me the evil eye. I shot her back a look that says DO I LOOK LIKE IM PLAYING. And she sidled back over to the meat slicer, deciding not to mess with me.

So, I guess I got some cheese out of that.


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