09/23/2011 03:02 pm ET | Updated Nov 23, 2011

The (N)ot Milk Guide.

See what I did there? That was actually supposed to be a play on the Got Milk? Ads that I used to rip out of magazines and wallpaper my room with. Seriously, they were like gold. Am I the only one who would trade them with friends, or try to pawn off my duplicates onto Kendra, the unsuspecting 4th grader? Maybe it was just me.

But over at the FFJD offices, among the Creatives that sit with their DC hipster glasses, we have a big discussion going on -- since 98% of you are lactards (as am I), you're definitely not drinking milk. Let's take a good, hard, fake moo-ing look at the alternatives, shall we?

The face of the enemy. Just kidding, he's pretty udder-able. #terriblepun

My lactose intolerance began far ago in a long-away land known as Meredith Used to Only Eat Bread and Cheese (I know!) and eat lots of froyo with even more sprinkles than humanly ingestible and digestible. So then I became lactose intolerant.

What is lactose intolerance, you ask? It's an affliction that affects about 86.3% of Jews and 95.6% of FFJDers: the inability to digest dairy. And some other scientific term, but the FFJD gastroenterologist is off on his vacay with his third wife, a total bimbo named Linda and they're on the Amalfi coast or something.

So anyway, I have looked far and wide into milk alternatives for my iced coffee with a splash of cran, and I thought that I would share them with you.

Soy Milk.

There are a ton of great soy alternatives to milk for your iced coffee/cereal (you eat cereal?) in the morning/after your 2 p.m. meeting where your eyelids are shutting themselves and you wish you had an intern like mine who holds open your eyelids on Monday mornings. Really, Constance is great at that, pending that she washes her hands. I love Silk soy milks, and particularly the light chocolate soy. Other Silk varieties that are tasty include Vanilla.

Almond Milk.

Almond milk is lower in calz than soy, but tends to be a bit watery. Yes, it's derived from almonds and provides a bunch of protein (and if you believe all the boob cancer/soy connections to be dangerous to you, it can be a good alternative). Silk makes an almond milk, as does Almond Breeze. When I think of breezes, I don't think of tropical ones, I think of almond ones. You can also apparently make almond milk. Which sounds a little bit ridiculous, but if you're one of those people who cures your own smoked salmon, go for it.

Rice Milk.

Rice milk ain't too terrible, and Rice Dream is pretty good. (Again, when I think of dreams, i think of rice.)

Hemp Milk.

For your inner stoner/bracelet-maker. I've never tried it, but they say it has "the aftertaste of Hemp."

Coconut Milk

This is a newer and more popular alternative that Jillian Michaels endorses. I sort of love her, and used to listen to her fitness podcasts but let's be real, there is no way in bejeezus that I'm going to do P90-x or do like ibuprofen "stacks" or whatever before I work out. I use the elliptical.

Black Iced Coffee.

What the hell is wrong with you?

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