This Thanksgiving it is Your Destiny to Read This Column

Happy Thanksgiving. I've been expecting you.

Let me begin by saying that I am picking up that you snuck out of large family gathering seeking momentary respite in the sanctuary of your computer. You are chafing under the yoke of too much Thanksgiving based family togetherness.

It is no accident that you have chosen to read this column today . It was foretold. But rest assured that you have come to the right place. I have the very answers you seek.

I am picking up that you are feeling uneasy. I sense that people who you have known your whole life are coming up to you, and saying inappropriate things about your politics and your personal beliefs, your family dynamics and your appearance. They're intentionally mentioning things that they know will upset you, things that stopped being important to you years ago. These are things that seem designed to make you angry. It's as though they are doing it just to hurt your feelings, isn't it? Yet they don't seem to hear a word you say when you respond to them, do they? Are you crazy or are they paying no attention to anything but the sound of their own voice? They're not insane. So why do they keep staring at you, like they think you're going to answer. They certainly sound like they're trying to pick a fight, don't they? But come on! This is Thanksgiving, a special time with the family! So why do they insist on bringing up all this stuff in front of these other people? You can't just haul off and let them have it, can you? Not on this day of gratitude and togetherness!

What exactly are you supposed to do?

That is why your spirit guides have lead you here to me and not to the big gun sale at Walmart. Relax and listen carefully as I teach you a ten word mantra you must meditate upon as you mingle with relatives the rest of the evening. I want you to repeat it every time someone gets right up in your face and tries to provoke you. Let's try it now and then I want you to repeat it at least five times an hour. Maybe as often as ten.

Here we go.

"Don't ENGAGE THEM. SMILE and NOD and simply WALK AWAY."

Let's try it again. Ready? "DON'T engage them. Smile and nod and simply walk away."

Very good. One more time. "Don't engage them. Smile and nod and simply walk away."

Now let's move to phase two where you will memorize and practice the following responses for use whenever you feel your blood starting to boil.

1. "Wow. I'll be darned. Isn't that something! Very interesting."
2. "Well, how do you like that!! Be right back! I have to get some more yams."
3. "Oh, for heaven's sake! My goodness gracious!! It certainly takes all kinds!"

If you forget to use those remember, as a back up, there's always the perennially adaptable "Huh!"

Now all you need to do is arrange your face in to an expression of quizzical bemusement , wink at your beloved family member and head for another room, remembering to repeat your mantra to yourself as you turn on the computer to read blogs and watch videos while you cool down. Because, unlike Michael Richards, you do not have access to a national forum for your apologies. Jerry Seinfeld doesn't care if the members of your family never speak to you again. You can not afford to lose control. Most of the things you are thinking right now are better left unsaid.

This advice should get you through the rest of the holidays. And the same advice goes double for Christmas. So Happy Thanksgiving.

My spirit guides say that you should check back with me in fiscal 2007.