The following is a work of fiction. Obama is not yet the President Elect - and theoretically might never be. Moreover, our sitting President is not the sort of reflective individual to give advice. Nevertheless, in the spirit of the changing times, I ask you to suspend disbelief for a moment and imagine George W. Bush penning a short note to the man that I hope will be his successor.
December 2008
Crawford, Texas
Dear Comrade President Elect Obama:
Congratulations on beating the old coot. You may be a card carrying socialist and a crypto-Muslim, but I'm glad that you have continued my fine tradition of kicking "The Maverick" where it counts. Mission accomplished! Also, I commend your selection of a Vice President. Believe me, there are drawbacks to having a #2 who does all the work but thinks that he's smarter than you. (Dick's a fun guy and all, but its always gloom and doom and skullduggery with him. It gets old.)
Despite what everyone says, I really have learned a few things during my time in Washington. And while I don't normally like to write things down, I thought that I'd share with you a couple trick of the trade before I ride off into the sunset.
First, trust no one. I looked into Putin's soul, and what did he do? He invaded Georgia. I listened to Rumsfeld and ended up in two wars; they were supposed to be short and easy. He's such a liar. I could go on and on, but you take my meaning.
Second, use the fear button but not too often. Early on, it works like a charm. Hit it, get the public good and scared, and them offer a choice between the apocalypse and absolutely anything you want. Hell, I got them to give up their civil rights the first time I used it. But now I couldn't get the damn networks to cut into Dancing with Stars even I were threatening to nuke the Blue States.
Third, pay attention to this economy thing. I don't get it myself, but maybe you will. My guy, Paulson, tells me that as long as we bail out all Goldman Sachs, Morgan Stanley, all the other banks, every insurance companies, GM, GMAC and the state governments, we'll be fine. So don't worry: be happy. (Of course, I stand by my free market and fiscally conservative principles.)
And finally, take advantage of the travel benefits. In my first term, I didn't like to go abroad. You hear all these stories about the food being bad and foreigners not liking Americans. But when I got reelected, I was like, "Hey, I can go the Olympics and safari and a whole bunch of other neat stuff." I had a blast. The best part is that the Secret Service makes sure that you're never bothered by the locals while you're taking in the sights.
If you want to chat, I'll be at my ranch doing manly things. Have a good time with the country. I know that I did.
Peace out,
(Retired) President George W. Bush