Death to Family Values - Zippers at Half Mast

Bill Maher used to tell a joke, which is funny but not true. He'd ask the question why are we trying to stop gay people from getting married; they're the only ones who still want to. He could have gone on to say that the only certain way to destroy that desire is to make the act legal. I know a lot of gay people in New York who could be visiting any number of New England states to exercise their newly won rights but none of them seem to get around to it. (Perhaps, the idea of a lifelong commitment sensibly scares them.)

I have been married a longish time and I feel rather fortunate as a result. I am, nevertheless, hardly a poster boy for the institution. We have no children, by choice: the idea that marriage is for procreation makes me feel slightly nauseated. Moreover, I would be perfectly happy to change the name of the institution to a civil union if all our collective rights were maintained. Let's keep the union of two people something between them and the state: this is about civil rights. Having said that, should such individuals choose to have a minister, imam, priest, rabbi, shaman or wiccan "consecrate" the affair - after the fact that's their own business.

In fact, it's time to give heed to what Gloria Steinem observed a few decades back: marriage was a fine idea when people only lived a few decades. Now that people live long enough to eat themselves to death, the situation has changed. After a couple of decades of living together, some people just don't want to do it anymore or make a regrettable mistake. That's why the capacity to divorce is actually so important.

Hence, I don't think that Governor Mark Sanford should have his political career ended over a frolic in Argentina. He messed around, which is a tragedy for his family, not necessarily the public he serves. Instead, his prospects should wither in light of the fact that he must have wanted to get caught. He's not a stupid man, and he pulled a stunt that was certain to place him in the media cross hairs. It's political suicide by reporter. Perhaps, the better question is why he chose to do this. Maybe, he could find no gentle exit from the family values trap that he found himself him, so he chose the nuclear option instead.

The simple fact is that the American definition of family values - from virginity to marriage - and all the sacred hoopla that goes with it is a dangerous myth that treats sex like a filthy act, adults like children and adulterous politicians like fallen gods, which they most certainly are not. Perpetuating this myth makes some religiously inclined voters happy but robs the country of good candidates for elected office who do what comes natural to many people: cheat on their spouse and try not to get caught.

Damn few people want to serve their company in an elected capacity. The pay is low, the respect negligible and the pressure unbelievable. Let's not make that pool even smaller by insisting that zippers remain in an upright position at all times.

Follow Michael B. Laskoff on Twitter: www.twitter.com/mlaskoff

Comments

[marmmalou]

Mr. Laskoff, you, like many others miss the most serious point of outrage regarding Mr. Sanford's soiree in Argentina. Yes, he cheated on his wife, and is a hypocrite, but the more serious offense remains that he " abandoned " the office of Governor and left the United States without notifying anyone, and was MIA for many days. In what other paid government position could an employee disappear for four or five days, and not be immediately fired?

[SCmommy]

Oh, AMEN! Thank you, marmmalou--you said exactly what everybody in SC SHOULD be saying.

[omahkohkiaayo]

Since Sanford and Ensign love to wax Biblical, they should apply the Bible test: "So as ye judge, so shall ye be judged." So they could/should apply the same prescription that they applied to Clinton when Sanford and Ensign were a congressmen screaming for Clinton's hide and his resignation. Just play their own words back: http://latimesblogs.latimes.com/washington/2009/06/sanford-and-ensign-called-on-clinton-to-resign-after-his-affair.html

[gloredon]

Michael, you really hit the nail on the head for me on the issue of Civil Unions in America. If we really are a secular society, then we need to stop using the term "Marriage" when talking about what the state recognizes as a union of two consenting adults in a hopefully harmonious merging of their financial and domestic affairs. This should be a civil union, and should be open to any two consenting adults, regardless of age, race, sex, country of origin, hair color, eye color, blood type, etc. If they then want to consecrate that union through a church of their own choosing, and can find one that will, then they are welcome to, but it should have NO bearing on how the state treats their union. This seems to be a no-brainer to me, if we truly have (and want) separation of church and state. Legal Unions are the state's business, Marriage is a purely religious affair and is the church's business alone.

[Michael B. Laskoff - Huffpost Blogger]

So obvious that you wouldn't think it convtoversial!

[hunt49]

Okay -- I agree that private lives should be just that, to a large degree.

But when an individual places himself on a pedestal and vehemently espouses a platform that seeks to claim the moral high ground, should we not hold him to his proclaimed standard?

When he attacks the errors of others for political gain, and then makes the same error, should we look the other way?

If he wants to impeach the president for a few minutes of self-serving off-task behavior in the Oval Office, but then disappears for days to another country, leaving his elected duties unattended, lying about his actions, and probably spending tax dollars to do so, after denying needed funding to his state due to bumper-sticker ideological dogma against government waste, we shouldn't blow the whistle and cry Foul?

No. I could overlook the private life of a human with its foibles. But i won't overlook public hypocrisy.

[dls76140]

you've just said everything that needed to be said ..'people in glass houses ..'
if they (you know who I mean!) would just stop w/all the rhetoric about anyone who isn't Christian and/or hetrosexual, we'd leave these guys alone to shed their crocodile tears and let them move on.

PTL!!

[Michael B. Laskoff - Huffpost Blogger]

Let the bugger hump whoever he wants. And if any politician chooses to live in a glass house, then the rocks held by their critics will take care of matters. Frankly, I'm more offended by his stupidity, the fact that he let the state pay for his adultery and now expects to conduct business as usual.

[JeremiahA]

As long as the act is consensual, I believe sexual practices should be kept private. The problem I had with Mr. Clinton was that he went on live TV in the White House and lied to the American people. Breaking campaign promises is one thing, but he was the first of any president that I have known to so blantly lie to the people of this country.

I think Mr. Laskoff really misses the point of the relation of a faithly married person and their ability to be trusted. Anyone who can make and keep a long term commitment, especially in these times of no-fault divorce, cohabition, and narcissistic single parents (not all single parents), is a person of character. As an employer, if I had to choose between someone who could not control themselves sexually and a person who could, I would most certainly hire the person with their zippers closed.

[jmattei]

Please . . . I am led to believe by the reference to your being an employer that you are more than 12 years old.
Many, many individuals who have held the office of President of the United States have blatantly lied to the people (even non-American people). In fact, the successor of Mr. Clinton to that office also "blatantly lied to the people", as anyone over 12 probably knows.

[nk007]

You are saying exactly the same things Vitter, Ensign, and Sanford said about Clinton. Well look at how they turned out. I think this country needs to get over its puritanism and hypocrisy about sex. Personally I think Bill Clinton, with all his sexual escapades, was a much better President than the "holier than thou" George W.. Bush.

[itolduso]

This country has divided itself in two and fallen into a 'mud-pit'. Within the slime are boulders and stones, which, if used properly, could build a platform for climbing above the liquid decay of stagnant thinking. But each time one side or the other seizes the advantage and grabs hold of a stone, instead of using it to advance out of the mess- they instead choose to club the other side with it- keeping them both down and swallowed by the mess. A person's sexual activities should be private, I believed that during the Clinton scandal, and even more strongly right now....and I have to question the motives of those who would make & keep such things in the public debate....­what is to be gained? Solutions to the serious challenges facing our nation? An end to hunger, homelessness, job loss, or war profiteering, or corporate shenanigans? No. It is just a very effective way to divide & distract us from what we need to focus on.

[Michael B. Laskoff - Huffpost Blogger]

Earthy but accurate.

[JRsNana]

I don't see how so many posts on this issue insist that it's about sex. It's so NOT about sex. Who cares if he had an affair? Not me and not a whole lot of other people. What is so incredibly appalling is his complete lack of consideration for the fact that he is the Governor of the state of South Carolina and took off to a foreign country, without notice, without being able to be reached and without notifiying his own family much less the Lieutenant Governor for 5 DAYS. It was the height of irresponsibility and shows that he's clearly not thinking straight. He needs to resign for the good of his state and for the good of his own mental health, which, after watching that press conference yesterday, needs to be evaluated.

[jan4insight]

Hear, hear!

[TryToBeFlexible]

Sanford is not a good politician. He was rotten even before this unsavory side was discovered.

Republicans will never shy away from doing whatever it takes to damage liberals in order to advance their own sick agenda.

Democrats are just being weak, if they don't use this opportunity to take down this slime ball.

[darr]

This is NOT about sex. It's about deriliction of duty and don't forget hypocrocy!
The republicans set the standard for hard, tough, nasty, mudslinging, morally righteous politicing.
YOU REAP WHAT YOU SEW! I guess they missed that passage from the bible.
If I took off for seven days and never called my employer to inform him I would be absent from work, I would have a pink slip in my mailbox when I got home. So should Gov. Sanford!
Well, I guess after Ensign and Sanford shattered family moral values, the republicans have to find another "reason" to oppose gay marriage!

[gloredon]

His staff knew he wouldn't be in his office for the time period, they just didn't know where he was going to be. And really didn't NEED to know, as it was personal. State legislature was out of session, he's got time off coming (he does get vacation time too I imagine).

Republicans have exactly the same moral dilemmas in their daily lives as Democrats, but they like to appeal to the socially conservative public sphere. So why should we be surprised (or outraged) when one falls on his social morals sword? We should instead just smile knowingly and say, "Look voters, we know you're not dumb, they are people too, they can't hold the moral high ground when they are just as tempted as any of the rest of us." And then talk about something that gives us a true moral high ground, a need to help the greater good of people, not corporations.