06/05/2010 05:21 pm ET | Updated May 25, 2011

Reviewing The A Team (Not Really)

Spoiler Alert: I haven't seen A Team, The Movie and I don't intend to.

If you're really looking for a real review then you'll need to keep searching. But as long as you're here, take a moment to consider what the very existence of such a film says about America in 2010. You'll likely have many such ideas. Below, I share five of mine.

1. The American Golden Age Started with Ronald Reagan
Every single American who ever enjoyed childhood thinks that that it took place during our nation's Golden Age. Hollywood producers are now young enough to view Ronald Reagan's first term as just such a time. Whatever you may think of The Gipper, I can assure you that The A-Team is, indeed, a fair sampling of popular culture in 1983. Conclude whatever you'd like.

2. All Soldiers Are Good - Some Are Misunderstood
The A-Team television series obviously couldn't answer the question: how did America go so wrong on Vietnam? But it could excuse everyone other than an elusive, malevolent leadership that somehow failed to ever be called to task. Soldiering, after all, must always be spoken about as the most noble of American professions. (Teachers, doctors and Peace Corp workers are all sissies in comparison.)

3. There's Nothing New Under The Sun
I'll admit it: I saw Russell Crowe's Robin Hood. I'm still bitter about that retelling of a truly old tale.  I'll even concede that there are probably no "new" stories, but as Avatar proved, there are awe inspiring ways to tell the old ones. (If you didn't see it in Imax 3-D, I'll forgive you for not agreeing with me.) Unless the A Team is a parody or a musical, I find it inconceivable that this will even live up to the 'camp' which was the original's only redeeming quality.

4. Blowing Shit Up Isn't The Whole Answer
That's true in Hollywood and the world at large. Staged explosions can be dull, and real ones have a way of causing more problems than they solve. Perhaps that's why we're still in Afghanistan. We blew it up in 2002 and then ignored the place until it was too late. And now look at the fine pickle we're in.

5. Unemployment Hurts Everyone
I once saw Liam Neeson on stage in The Crucible. Believe me, the man can act. So if talented actors like Mr. Neeson are reduce to making this sort of trash, then prospects for the rest of us must be truly terrible indeed.