06/16/2010 03:33 pm ET | Updated May 25, 2011

Obama's Chicago Roots

My fellow Chicagoans: Tonight I speak to you about the crisis we are experiencing on our city's Southside. Within the past week, three air conditioner compressors have been vandalized in our community. That act of terrorism has sown fear and dread throughout the neighborhood. All of us are affected by this assault on our cool and comfort as the summer season arrives. I personally have visited the affected areas four times and have witnessed first hand the anguish of residents who must endure conditions of Baghdad like discomfort. As your community leader I have devoted the past seven days consulting city officials, expert criminologists, compressor system engineers, and a broad cross section of the public. It is now time for us to act. I therefore have initiated the following measures:
  1. A task force has been created to investigate the causes of this outbreak of criminality, to recommend appropriate steps to prevent its recurrence and to do a trend analysis of how such socially disruptive behavior impacts our citizen's long-term health and chosen life styles. I have told the 40 men and women who have volunteered their time for this community service to report to me by September 21. The recommendations will be disseminated to the citizenry through an outreach program of unprecedented scale generously funded by the Association of Air Conditioner Repair businesses.
  2. To meet the immediate emergency, I am mandating three of my trusted lieutenants to jawbone local merchants to provide fans to affected households at 5% discounts. In addition, they will distribute flyers door-to-door that detail methods for coping with stress and anxiety.
  3. Every opportunity is a crisis. We have taken too long to develop and implement an air conditioner compressor protection program in Chicago. So I propose a public-private partnership to invest in vandal resistant materials, compressor technology that features redundant back-up systems able to handle kinetic trauma, and more energy efficient home building designs that enable houses to withstand a 3 - 6 hour service disruption with the loss of no more than four degrees (F.) in heat retarding capacity.
  4. I invite all of you to participate in the collective effort to master this crisis. I do not presume to have all the answers. So I welcome suggests from both ends of town, Northside and Southside, from Republicans and Democrats, from Cripps and Bloods alike. Together we can prevail.
My fellow Chicagoans: Our nation is confronting monumental threats to the American way of life. Our brave men and women in uniform are at this moment putting their lives on the line fighting al-Qaidi in Afghanistan. Actually, there are no al-Qaidi left in Afghanistan, but there are lots of other bad guys -- as President Obama will get around to explaining one of these days. We also are confronted by the peril of the Great Oil Sludge monster that menaces our Gulf Coast. I am confident that, acting together, we can overcome these formidable challenges. Our spirit is strong; our belief unshaken. I myself have consulted my six spiritual advisers before addressing you -- and, to a man, they agree. Each added that Chicago is his kind of town. God bless you all. God bless the city of Chicago.

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