Republican congressmen read the Constitution in the House last week. About time. Most of us read it about the age of 10 -- in school. A less hallowed setting, but a more appropriate age. Then again, it may be that our newly minted rulers were so overcome at their discovery of the document's tangible existence -- the document that they swore an oath to obey and to defend, that they felt an irresistible impulse to put on a choral performance before a national audience. Wonder whether they missed Flag Day, too, back in the 4th grade.
If they were paying attention to the words rather than preening before the cameras, they may have endured the shocking revelation of what actually is in the document. Freedom of speech, for one. For everyone -- not just their favored claque of loudmouths, not just for those who say the things that get them all stirred up and teary. Then there is the bit about equal protection of laws without any qualifiers. No special reference to those "real" Americans who inhabit the "real" America of Wasilla or Jackass Flats. That must have stunned a few of the novice solons. Equally revelatory is what is not in the Constitution. No mention of America as the great congregation of the saved awaiting Armageddon with serene souls. No mention of the Air Force -- like the Founders wanted us to fight wars with one hand tied behind our backs. Can't be. The biggest shocker was that the Constitution is all about government -- not a manual for getting rid of that abhorrent institution. That just doesn't make sense. Must be those Washington liberals up to their devilish tricks who perverted the original document. They rewrote it behind our backs and then sneakily substituted their forgery for the original. That's why we must stick to the oral tradition preserved for us by Anthony Scalia. He's the only one who really knows what it is supposed to say, what the Founding Fathers really meant. So let's get him here for a recitation of the genuine document -- the one that puts a lie to all this nonsense about the Founders writing a pro-government tract.
Just goes to show how much our schools have been infiltrated by the liberal establishment who've brainwashed us for decades, ever since the New Deal imposed socialism on Americans. Now that is going to change. All over the country, ordinary Americans are rising up to take back their heritage, to take back their country. School boards from coast to coast are purging our classrooms of those awful unpatriotic texts. We have to get our factoids straight. As my only liberal friend told me, it's so bad that even Barack Obama can't get his history right. That abominable New Deal thinking started the very first day that Roosevelt was in office -- he didn't wait five months, as Mr. Obama claims. And Social Security from the very start was imposed on everyone -- not just widows and orphans as Mr. Obama says. Yup, he said it twice, once with his buddy Jon Stewart. I think he mixed it up with the Civil War pension program from the 1860s. Of course, that too was bad for the country's moral fiber, but you could understand why, since everyone was so emotional at the time. Now Mr. Obama is getting inspiration reading books about Ronald Reagan. What nerve. He's ours, not theirs! That's what Harvard does to you -- never trust them Harvards.