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Ask Michael Cohen: Anthony's Secret

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I have been dating this guy for six weeks. The first night we got down to our intimates he was wearing really, really sexy black bikini underwear. And he/it looked really good. I was used to guys wearing that kind of white not so fitted brief so this was kind of cool. The second and third time I saw him in his underwear, they were red briefs, then pale pink. Then I noticed that well, he was kind of showing off the way he looked. He was indiscreetly posing and I kind of got weirded out yet turned on. This last weekend I slept over his house and the first thing I did was look in his underwear drawer. Excuse me, drawers. There were three of them just lined with all sorts of underwear. Different colors, cuts, brands, it was totally crazy. I almost felt, and I hate to say it, he had the same respect a woman would have for her lingerie collection. Um, what do you think? Does your Gaydar go off or am I dating a narcissistic metrosexual? Anna K, Long Island

Honey, ring the alarms! Slide down the pole (not his!), turn on the sirens, jump in the firetruck and hose down your man - he's flaming! Okay, seriously I'm being dramatic. First, please don't use the term 'metrosexual' any longer. The metrosexual is dead. He died when the economy went South in 2007 and dudes lost all their money for extras like waxing eyebrows, weekly haircuts, monogrammed shirts, tight pants, flashy shoes and lots of expensive underwear. And guess what? The metrosexual isn't coming back and he's a bad excuse as a code word for 'gay.' Anyone who tells you they are a metrosexual is a homosexual.

As for asking me about my Gaydar - it's 2010 now. Gaydar, along with the Metrosexual, is so dated. Don't waste your time or energy snooping out coy and cutesy men and their sexual preferences. But let's move on. I'm not here to berate you. I am here to help.

Yes, I would be worried if I was a heterosexual woman and my boyfriend had an underwear collection that had him traipsing around the house like Giselle. Yeah, its a problem. Plain and simple. But maybe I am jumping the gun? Here is what you should do.

Choose any color of the rainbow that you like to him see him wear most. Share how much seeing him in, uh, lets choose color baby blue, turns you on, and see if he responds by sporting this color underwear in different shapes and fabrics. If so, well maybe it's just his fetish, in which case I say work with it. It's better than those dudes with sh*t stained white Fruit of the Loom briefs.

Now if he gets a little bit defensive or, dare I say, a little bit queeny, well then you got yourself a closet dweller and you need to move on. I will warn you a lot of those straight Long Island dudes are questionable, so good luck.

I am not usually a snooper but the other day my boyfriend of over a year now was in the shower and I was using his computer. First, I noticed that his browser history was cleared. That kind of bothered me but I figure if I don't have a ring on it, I cant get too crazy. Then I saw his American Express bill on his desk. I couldn't help it because we spend a lot of money and I wanted to see how bad his monthly bill was. It was $23,492.31 to be exact. But here is what got me crazy. There were two charges. One to La Perla for $1,866.64 and the other was $1,672.98 at Agent Provocateur. So I was hoping in my wildest dreams that this was for me. I ran and took a peak around his closet, but didn't see anything. Later that day at lunch I left my overnight bag in his car but instead asked him to put it in the trunk so I would feel safer. He begrudgely did and I swear I thought I would see bags of lingerie for me. Nothing, the trunk was clean and well I'm upset. What should I do? I was snooping around and not minding my business but on the other hand I think I gained some pertinent information.
Lori S, White Plains

Okay you handled yourself almost perfectly. Browser history should not bother you at all. I always clear mine. I mean seriously, I don't want friends using my computer or worse some of my askmichaelcohen.com minions seeing my latest adventures in porn. Hmm, snooping at the bill. I'm okay with this one too. You've been dating a year now. After that amount of time, it's safe to say that this relationship may be going somewhere and if you want to see how big of nut he cracks every month, fair enough. Getting into the itemization of the bill is where things start to cross the line.

But you really took it too far when you went Harriet the Spy on me, peeking in the depths of his closet and faking that your bag might get jacked to get a peak in his trunk. I mean honey, you made me laugh and I commend you on your thorough investigation. It's almost perfect, but you forgot one thing - the minute you saw lingerie charges- and there are no special garter belts in your closet- should have been the minute you realized the chances your boyfriend is cheating is 99.9 percent. I understand you were probably holding on to lost hope. Wake up honey! I would never hire you to do my detective work because you can't sniff out the obvious.

My wife has impeccable style and she is really amazing. She's intelligent, caring, fun, but when it comes to undressing at home she really is falling flat for me. It's not that she doesn't have a rocking body. She does. I just wish that she would play dress up. But her intimates include really basic bras and underwear. I have gotten her lingerie years ago and she says: "Whats the point? It all comes off anyway." How do I deal with this? Steven W, Chicago

I have a really good idea and we are going to get down and dirty, just the way I like some of my advice. You need to show her how much you love it, literally. I want you to go out and find some extremely expensive and sexy lingerie that may hit her sweet spot to go along with her style you brag about. Make sure it's done in excellent taste. Please.

When you're ready to live your fantasy, unwind with drink or two and start a conversation about what really turns you on, with all the honesty and sincerity you have. Next give her the gift, unwrapped, and ask her to put it on. Accompany this with a very romantic kiss. When she does, I expect you, my friend, to literally rise to the occasion. When you demonstrate how much something means to you, sexual or otherwise, it's the ultimate turn on.

If she doesn't get your fantasy (which is a little one compared to whats out there) and she cant seem to move pass selfish and awkward, then you may try moving past this etiquette columnist and try a sex therapist instead. I can tell you this will all my wisdom: sexual chemistry in a relationship is equally as important as intelligence, humor and trust.

You can submit your questions on my website http://askmichaelcohen.com or in the comments section here.