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Ask Michael Cohen: How to Deal With Someone That You Used to Know

Posted: 05/15/2012 2:16 pm

I've recently been having some problems with a friend due to her drinking issues.  It started about a year ago when I noticed her getting a bit wasted at dinner parties. She would slur her words and talk about stuff that well, I don't think should be spoken about at the dinner table. I don't enjoy having dinner with her anymore even when it is just the two of us. What do I do?  Shelly K, New York City

Your friend sounds like a hot mess, poor thing. Slurring of the words really annoys me as well.  So, here is my advice and it's really simple. Stop having dinner with your friend. Instead, try another meal such as breakfast. I would say lunch but she may pull a Ramona from the Real Housewives Of New York City and start with the Pinot Grigio and you know how that wine goes down like water.  Now, if she has a couple of Bloody Mary's with breakfast on let's say a Wednesday, she may have a real problem but don't make it your own. Once you allude to or accuse someone of being an alcoholic, your friendship could take a terrible turn for the worse and it's too much drama.

Sometimes with friends, as your life or their life habits change, you just have to  change your social activities with them before you get sucked into their downward spiral. And one more thing -- the dinner table is where every thing should be spoken about.


Out of the blue, my ex-boyfriend has reappeared. After not speaking for six months, I got a text message that read, "Hello." I had thought about not responding but, of course, I did. The result only angered me. After a lengthy text conversation, I felt we were right back where we ended -- nowhere. I don't know what he wants but even seeing his number pop up on my iPhone causes my stomach to get so upset, I need to run to the bathroom. I still love him and I'm not sure where he is with me but this isn't healthy, is it? Jennifer Stuart, Baltimore, MD

No, it's not healthy. If someone rattles your nerves so much that you have to head for the bathroom, I wouldn't say you are in a good place with them. I admit I made the same mistake a few months ago and the result was a disaster. Someone that I used to know also texted me  "Hi" after not speaking for months. At first, I felt great because obviously, he must miss me and wants me back, right?  The last text message correspondence we had was from my end and it read something like this... "go f**k yourself." I admit it was unworthy of me and am still a bit ashamed I acted so immaturely. So, don't pull a Michael the next time you get that lame "hello." Move your finger to the "delete" button and don't look back. If you still find yourself with the runs, telephone your cell carrier and have his number blocked. There are plenty of men out there and if you're stuck in your past, you can't create a future.  


I live in Miami and my very close girl friend has been filming a reality show. She is one of the new stars to the cast and it's getting to her head. Every conversation is about filming and every single time we go somewhere she says, "The cameras may be there, so look fabulous." As if I ever don't look fabulous and as if I care! It's just become too much and she's not even on TV yet. I don't know how handle this friend and what to do, but our friendship is suffering.  Name Withheld.

Gee, I wish you would tell me who you are, but anyway, your friend sounds like she has all the trappings of a fame whore and that attitude will only warrant 15 minutes of it. I am going to revert back to the same advice I gave the reader in question one -- change your social activities with said friend.

Spend time with her that involves less talking. Take a yoga class or hit the steam room at your favorite spa. I can barely breathe in there, let alone talk. It still keeps your friendship together, just in a different way and it doesn't totally disconnect ties.

If the narcissism continues to reign supreme and she really is your friend, let her enjoy the ride. Just not with you. This self-aggrandizement is something she needs to do, whatever her reasons are and really, that's okay. Friendships evolve and sometimes they even take a hiatus. It can be for weeks, months or longer but with tried and true friends, there's a good chance you'll get together again, proving that tired cliché, "it's like we spoke yesterday" isn't so tired after all.


After a very personally challenging nine months, Ask Michael Cohen is back and will run bi-weekly. Need advice from this twisted Dear Abby?  Ask me anything in the comments sections below or email me at mcnewyorkcity@gmail.com.

 

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abetterplace
Capitalistic reverand
07:47 AM on 05/16/2012
My experience with this is a friend that has began drinking too much, you may be able to help, but a friend that has became a druggie, forget it.
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HUFFPOST BLOGGER
Michael Cohen
http://beingmichaelcohen.com
12:16 PM on 05/16/2012
Thank you for sharing!
02:51 AM on 05/16/2012
Good advice & funny quips. Nice job! I do take exception to part of your answer in question 1. "Once you allude to or accuse someone of being an alcoholic, your friendship could take a terrible turn for the worse and it's too much drama." If this is a real friend, she'll confront the alcoholic (assuming it is that bad). I'd never regret trying to help someone in crisis, but I would regret staying silent and watching a friend destroy herself with drugs, alcohol, really really bad life choices, etc. It may be drama, but it'd be worth risking. Speaking from experience with both positive & negative results.
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Michael Cohen
http://beingmichaelcohen.com
12:17 PM on 05/16/2012
I appreciate your comment, especially the quips. I help those in crisis such as teaching abused children how to express themselves using words. As for adults that don't know they have an abuse problem, I leave that for the professionals. #shrinks
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dadw5boys
Disabled Vietnam Vet
12:48 AM on 05/16/2012
I had a couple of old employees who use to come around looking for money but they ask if I had any work. I would always end up handing them a few buck to get rid of them and I stopped that. They are good men but I don;t run a rescue mission. So I offered them work usually the hardest thing I had that they could do thinking that maybe they would get some pride back and recover.
They stopped comming around. Drugs and drink has them.
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Michael Cohen
http://beingmichaelcohen.com
12:17 PM on 05/16/2012
Thank you proving my point.
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dadw5boys
Disabled Vietnam Vet
03:17 PM on 05/16/2012
over the years we have taken in 9 kid their parents run off and just left them at 16 years old.
without any custody order we have skirted the laws and got them out of trouble and thru high school into the Job Corps where they got job training. 3 went on to college and are doing better than me income wise.
they did not want us to get their parents in trouble they had enough problems putting them in jail was not what the kid wanted and you can not force a parent to raise a kid you might force a woman to have one but it ends there.
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HUFFPOST SUPER USER
The Kamala Farang
Bad to the Bone
10:48 PM on 05/15/2012
Listen to the Gotye song, "Somebody I used to Know" (one of my favorites)

But you didn't have to cut me off
Make out like it never happened and that we were nothing
And I don't even need your love
But you treat me like a stranger and I feel so rough
No you didn't have to stoop so low
Have your friends collect your records and then change your number
I guess that I don't need that though
Now you're just somebody that I used to know
10:19 PM on 05/15/2012
If I had a friend who suddenly started drinking too much, and that person was really my close friend, I would talk to that person honestly about it -- not just ditch them or switch to breakfast get togethers. Obviously, if a person is dealing with pain, it's more human to be there for them instead of dumping them because slurring is annoying.
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gibby1855
10:37 AM on 05/16/2012
The ones that physically and verbally abuse you, yes walk away
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dim
one in a can
07:43 PM on 05/15/2012
>the dinner table is where every thing should be spoken about.

I appreciate the sentiment, but can come with some really disgusting exceptions to that rule.
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Michael Cohen
http://beingmichaelcohen.com
09:24 PM on 05/15/2012
Do tell!
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dim
one in a can
12:32 AM on 05/16/2012
Uh... is dinner over? :)
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dadw5boys
Disabled Vietnam Vet
12:50 AM on 05/16/2012
my kids hate to hear how I handeled thing like this at dinner .
ahh dad stop is what I hear. I only hope they will learn from my experiences.
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dim
one in a can
01:10 PM on 05/16/2012
If you hear "dad stop," you are doing something right. :) Rock on!
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inthedesert
Those who never question will fall for anything.
07:30 PM on 05/15/2012
A "popologist"? LMAO. You've got to be kidding!
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Michael Cohen
http://beingmichaelcohen.com
09:25 PM on 05/15/2012
Self proclaimed.
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dadw5boys
Disabled Vietnam Vet
03:22 PM on 05/16/2012
someone has to do it, might as well be you
05:12 PM on 05/15/2012
Michael you're like my Carrie Bradshaw on HuffPost, I'm glad you're starting back up again! Loved todays post!
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Michael Cohen
http://beingmichaelcohen.com
11:18 PM on 05/15/2012
That was sweet. Thank you. Someone needs to tell it like it is.
04:35 PM on 05/15/2012
Some of us evolve with time (and age), we improve, we change and adapt, and we move on. And some just get stuck in this rut and at times turn to bad habits out of frustration that time is moving on and they can't.

Try to be a friend put don't get stuck into their drama. Also learn that those often become jealous of those that are adapting and progressing. Sometimes you have to accept the past with someone for what it was and be able to move on.
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dadw5boys
Disabled Vietnam Vet
12:55 AM on 05/16/2012
We were having dinner in a very nice place and an old friend I had dropped long ago showed up as the Bus Boy, He decided to say hi and talk a little which was way out of line. Then kind of loudly he says " when you leave a tip please leave cash of we won't get anything for 3 days ".
Well there was a $80 meal ruined. But we recovered got rid of him by ordering a bottle of wine to go and headed down to the beach. The Tip was in cash. $5.00