Ku Klux Klan Won't Endorse Obama

Racist Rejection Revives Dark Questions of Electability

Dateline - Lynchburg, Virginia

In a surprising move, which some are calling a deathblow to his candidacy, the Ku Klux Klan today decided to not endorse Senator Barack Obama in his bid for the Presidency of the United States. Seeming to validate Hillary Clinton's assertion that Obama cannot win the all-important poor white racist vote which had became the cornerstone of her support, many are now speculating that rejection by the influential domestic terrorist organization could spell the end for the Illinois Democrat's race for the White House.

At his armed camp outside of Crab Orchard, West Virginia, Imperial Grand Wizard Gomer Bath explained the Klan's decision. "Our secret membership just did not feel that Senator Obama was addressing our core values." he said during press conference to a group of blindfolded reporters. "We examined the platforms of the leading candidates, but for all of us there seemed to be something unsettling about Obama, something lacking in his positions. I don't know about the others," he continued, "but for myself it really came down to health care. As you know, emergency hospital care has always been associated with our Brotherhood, but I feel the Senator has been rather niggardly in explaining the details of his plan. In the end we took a hood count, and voted unanimously against endorsement."

After Obama's abysmal failure to secure the segregationist vote in Pennsylvania, some pundits began to question his ability to reach out to this all-important bigoted base. Subsequent losses in Indiana, West Virginia, Kentucky, and the Sudetenland seemed to confirm Obama electoral weakness with this xenophobic demographic.

"Without Klan support Obama is crippled coming into the Fall election," said Pat Buchanan, MSNBC commentator, and Oberfuerher of his own morning show, "Reich and Shine with Pat. "This proves what I've said all along: hardworking Americans will not vote for anyone with so colored a past." Speaking at a book signing for his bestseller about the campaign, "Is It Getting Dark In Here?" Buchanan noted that Obama had also failed to secure the critical Nazi endorsement, which has played a significant part in American politics for the past eight years. "The election of George Bush proved the importance of both Klan and Nazi swing voters, and it would be a strategic mistake for the Democrats to turn a blind eye when a candidate fails with so badly with these pure-blooded Americans."

From his National Headquarters/Mother's Knitting Room in Kudzu, Alabama, Intergalactic Majestic Dragon, and two-time winner of the "Hit a Black Man with a Stick When He's Not Looking and Run Away" Championship, Chester Podgorney agrees. "Obama's rhetoric and speeches of Hope and Understanding have not won the hearts and minds of my vast Army of Fearless Race Warriors." Podgorney's vast army, Timmy Henderson, quickly agreed. "I want to see more substance behind the words." he said, while simultaneously gaining badly needed hit points for his dwarf, Zolton, in his battle against Podgorney's 12th level Elf Princess. "I also have questions about his foreign policy." he added.

For some exactly how much to not endorse the Obama's candidacy was in doubt until the Senator's comments at a San Francisco fundraiser regarding the "bitterness" in some parts of America came to light.

"That did it for me." said Tucker Jones, lifelong Klan member, outside the unemployment office in Allentown, Pennsylvania. "I mean, sure, I felt a little angry when the factory moved to Uzbekistan. But then the Triple Secret Kleagle explained to me that the off-shoring of American factories was the only reasonable response to the Socialist Zionism Muslim Conspiracy of Osama Bin Goldberg. Boy, I felt like the dumbest guy at that cross burning! But, yeah, I was mad. But I was never bitter! Senator Obama's representation of armed, unemployed fanatically religious small town racists as bitter is exactly the sort of out of touch comment we've come to expect from his kind. Of politician.

With the loss of the Klan endorsement calls for Obama to end his hopeless candidacy have been heard from one end of Fox News Central to the other. However, despite this seemingly fatal blow to his campaign, diehards have noted Obama's apparent strength in states where melanin challenged Americans still make up a majority. But Grand Wizard Bath feels these arguments are baseless.

"Oregon, Wisconsin, Idaho, Nebraska... you have to understand the 28 states Obama's won so far are on the fringe," the robed zealot continued . "They do not represent the true confederacy of values America has tried to spread around the world. And there is also still quite a bit of strong feeling about Senator Clinton."

Noting her strength with the broad swaths of people who have no intention of actually voting for her, Senator Clinton also feels Obama's weakness with people who hate both of them with a passion should give unpledged superdelegates pause.

"I think they should look on Senator Obama's candidacy rather darkly," said the Senator most recently from New York. "The supers should remember that Fall is the important election., and these Klan voters are going to want to to support someone who understands them, someone they feel is one of them. And for some reason that does not seem to be Senator Obama"

Indeed, when questioned many of Clinton's erstwhile supporters said, though her candidacy seems over, they would still prefer to betray her in the General Election than to simply vote against Obama.

"Hillary's campaign is a historic moment in the American story," commented Ethel Jackson Lee Davis of Hole, Kentucky. "Having the chance to vote against the first serious woman presidential candidate was something me and my Cousin/Brother/Husband were very much looking forward to. She had proven time and time again she was willing to delude herself into reaching out to plain folks like us who have no intention of putting a whore like her in the White House, and that meant alot to us. It let us feel part of a movement against real change in America." After pausing to fearfully flinch from a quick movement her husband made as he reached for the Cheese Whiz, she continued. "Years from now, when my Cousin/Sister/Daughter is all grown up, I looked forward to telling her how we helped keep a woman down. But by his winning the Democratic nomination my dream has become just another thing Senator Obama and his people have taken from us."

But Jackson Lee Davis demurred when asked if she was planning to support Sen. McCain this Fall.

"That Jew? No way!" she said, before her husband punched her for stealing his cigarettes.

Comments

[Unique71]

Wow...surp­rise!

[GrainOSand]

There is nothing to offer concerning this piece beyond the laughter of affirmation of the veiled truth within it.

Great job Mr. Sullivan you are blessed with a great gift. You used comedy as Richard Pryor (my personal favorite -- Lenny Bruce was equally good I am told) did; to tell the truth in the most absurd of abstractions.

The following line had me rolling (as did others):

'." Speaking at a book signing for his bestseller about the campaign, "Is It Getting Dark In Here?" Buchanan noted…'

The only thing I would change is the question title of the fictitious book. I would have made it a statement in keeping with Buchanan's bravado:

"It is getting dark in here!"

Groucho Marx: “A Clown is like an aspirin, only he works twice as fast.”

I did have a headache before reading your piece Mr. Sullivan and know (and no) I am not calling you a clown in any pejorative way that is.

[TheQuis]

Hillar-ious

[northcan]

Excuuuuuse Me; Ku Klux Klan, are they always republican? That's why they like HRC, perhaps McCain also, Really, Who wants their vote? I really think this is why PA, WVA, IN, KY....were republican stronghold­s....due to white blue collar working class voter's in an all red state, and she's selling this to the committee on Saturday?

Many threat's have come upon Obama. That is fact. Inciting race, hate has been going on since the beginning of the democrat primary's. Obama is adjusting to this threat, doesn't whine about it. He has two democrat contenders and one republican opponant in the race. So it does get a bit stuffy, crowded, now and then. Bill and Hill are off whining, complaining, sexism, bullying, unfairness, blah, blah, blah. Get the point. Hillary is doing her thing with hubby, on their own planet and the race is going on.

Gosh! Obama has class, OBAMA 08
c

[gaebolgaes]

This is why Americans just don't get it about race.You can not finish a jigsaw puzzle if you leave pieces out.Only when we stop using terms like blue collar whites, born again christians­,evangelic­als, values voters, reagan democrats, rural whites and start calling them by their true names, KKK and KKK sympathizers, we in america will never finish the jigsaw puzzle so we can see what the finished puzzle looks like.Clint­ons sucess with voters who would never vote democrat in the general election can never be understood unless we start calling a spade a spade."The truth is the way and the light. it will set you free."

[MsLiz]

Southerners are the last group whom it is politically acceptable to make fun of. This parody in no way accurately reflects life in the South. I have lived in the South all my life and have never knowingly had contact with anyone in the Klan. The newspapers and the Southern Poverty Law Center tell me that the Klan is still there, but I doubt I could find a KKK member if I went looking for one. As a lawyer in Family Court for many years, I was guardian-ad-litem for children in two families in which there was incest, and I assure you it was not accepted or tolerated.

Humans are human wherever they live. Bigots are bigots no matter whom they ridicule.

If you want Southerners to vote for Democrats, don't treat them like idiots.

[Intelligentia]

I have never seen a Python before. Does it mean that pythons do not exist? However, I agree that American racism is not a Southern monopoly. If the Notherners are so open minded, how many Blacks do we have in the U.S. Senate from the North? How many Black governors do we have in the North? How many Blacks head fortuned 500 corporations in the North, as opposed to the South. By the way, a lot of the KKK members have traded white sheets for "Black Robes" and they are now called "Your Honor" instead of "Grand Wizard". Also, a lot of them have moved to the North. Don't be naive.

[glorysong]

When you look and read this there is some people that act like this. So think about it.

[kristycu]

Is this real? this can't be real! Is this real? what the Heck, this story, is weird and stupid, and i think we are all a little dumber for reading it :) LOL

[OverCoffee]

Hilarious and on target! This could be turned into a weekly summer sitcom. Hey! There's an idea!

[rikoriki]

This is the most brilliant piece I've seen this whole primary campaign. Kudos.

[lincheryl]

Reminds me of Jon Stewart or Colbert. Outrageous humor can get a point across like nothing else. I am laughing and it feels good after being angry about so many things in this campaign. Loved the references, although sadly I know some people who wouldn't begin to get it. They would still be saying "Huh?"

You need to do more of these. Puts everything in perspective.

[mom2sons]

True about Buchanan. When I watch him, I get the sense that he is very jealous of Obama. Obama's campaign put his to shame. ROTFLMAO. When Obama is elected POTUS, the PB's of the world might start jumping off buildings and stuff. LOL

[BassMent]

This is very insightful, and VERY funny. Well done!

[going2ireland]

The Ku Klux Klan won't be endorsing Obama?

Imagine that! Does this come as a surprise to ANYONE?

However, what a coup it would have been had they endorsed Obama!!!

[rimofheaven]

Ha, ha.

[Titonwan]

HEY YOU! I never heard of you, but I just forwarded a link to everyone I know and three I don't, because this shit is TOO FUNNY!! I have needed a good deep belly laugh for ages now and I'm sure you've increased my life span by a coupla' hours. WOW that's Hillarious! I don't know what you really do for a day job, my compadre, but you need to drop everything and go into comedy- BIG TIME!!! Kudos! Hats off!! GO BARACK BABY!

[Titonwan]

OH SNAP!