Let's get in before the bullying starts. If that sounds obvious, I'm not talking about just educating children about the damage that bullying causes -- although those teachings have much merit. Rather, I'm suggesting we educate children on the very basics of human relationships -- the stage before thoughts of aggression and conflict and separation develop into bullying.
Because where and when does bullying begin? How does a child reach the point that they become a bully? Could the things our caregivers say and do, while well-intentioned, set the stage for bullying behavior to later surface? Child psychology has emerged in the last few generations to offer some answers, yet social cruelty among adolescents is increasing. Blame is laid at the door of home life, media, video games, peers, etc. The average American child witnesses 8,000 murders on television before they finish elementary school. Other sources say it reaches 16,000 by the time they graduate high school. We cannot control the home life, cultures, friends, media influence of the children in our school systems. Everyone has a different story, and everyone's story is complex. Pointing fingers does not resolve anything.
Let's ask this question: Why do adults bully to a much lesser extent? Have you ever had a friend call you in the morning and say, "I know who I'm going to hurt today"? Yet some of our teenagers are waking with up with a vengeance. Teens resort to bullying because it is a strategy that they believe will meet their needs: social acceptance, self-confidence, respect and security. As many adults remember from their own school days, peers often reward one another's verbal and physical aggression with increased social status and acceptance. Students who have already been victimized by bullies may resort to similar strategies to regain their sense of self-confidence -- thus, a vicious cycle.
Most adults, however, while wanting acceptance, social status and self-confidence generally have different, and more socially acceptable, means for getting these needs met. Adults have opportunities to develop greater understanding of why they have their feelings and recognize the consequences of TV violence. They have more access to books, courses, and materials that help them navigate trying situations, all of which they did not have in school. Over the years we have learned that hurting others has consequences, sometimes dire. If our children can be encouraged from an early age to communicate clearly about what's really going on for them, then they can make better choices -- where better to do this but where they spend most of their day, in schools?
Bullying and other forms of social cruelty in high schools will not end just with anti-bullying campaigns. In order to change a culture of bullying and aggression, schools must implement teachings that provide an alternative. Bullying prevention begins with encouraging students to talk about their feelings in a language that is safe and helpful. Social skills will not come from an occasional assembly or after a bullying case has gained public attention. Social and emotional education should become a learned vocabulary in day-to-day life.
We've found through our work in New York City high schools that encouraging students to communicate their feelings respectfully is not as challenging as it might seem. Students want to talk about relationships. In our classes, students write essays, journal entries, poems and self-evaluations about the subject. Having a space to discuss relationships takes this complex issue into the realm of honest discussion and awareness. One of the questions we ask students at the beginning of our course is how they would feel if made fun of by a friend in front of their peers. Many students are unable to articulate their feelings at first, saying they would "brush it off" or even "hit someone." After a few classes, however, they are able to describe their feelings more clearly as they become empowered with healthy alternatives. In a safe environment where students are encouraged to discuss their emotions and needs, aggression naturally decreases as students are better able to understand themselves and empathize with others.
The majority of schools across the country have not yet prioritized social and emotional learning or are compelled to allocate budgets elsewhere. Without emphasizing social and emotional learning, schools send the message that these skills are not necessary to academic and personal success. As a result, too many students resort to aggression as the expedient strategy to meeting their needs.
A proactive, preventative approach may sound more costly than media attention and celebrity endorsements toward anti-bullying campaigns, but a strategy based on long-term prevention will never be a waste of money.
Yes, I agree! However, that is what churches did in the past. They taught us to sit still, control our impulse to "blurt" out any thought that popped in our heads. Churches created and enforced "taboos" that we collectively accepted. I find there are no taboos. Anything goes so we have this fierce competition combined with an epidemic of social grace. A terrible combination. Today, "If you can't say something nice..." you say it anyway. The social fabric is very thin, but I don't agree that schools can fix that problem.
I remember the person I used to pick on, Jason. Other than being sent to the principal's office and having a talk with the school's head, I pretty much got away with it and Jason, for some strange reason, got into more trouble than I did. I wasn't violent, I shoved and called names, but there were some very violent kids at my school, some of whom were my friends.
Bullying is a psychological thing; it's about pecking order and those who a perceived as being "nerdy, wimpy. or weak" are placed at the bottom; that's how it was for me. Most of the time, it comes and goes with age, but sometimes bullies will remain bullies forever. I wasn't a "screw up" kid as I come from a loving family, but home life certainly contributes to the problem as I could tell in the way my friends bullied others. It can be a way to release their pent-up anger they have for their parents.
Bullying is something serious as it can have serious psychological effects on the bullied; in serious cases, it could lead to school shootings, which are are perpetrated by the bullied in a measure to end or to seek retribution against those schoolyard gangs.
I expect their children are learning to problem solve in relationships with intimidation and cruelty. Empathy and compassion should be learned at home well before school starts but an appallingly large number of adults are selfish and lacking in conflict resolution skills to pass on.
Part of the problem is kids need to be taught to stand up for themselves and sometimes that means you'll have to throw a punch as said before most bullies only pick on people they know they will not standup to them.
one thing my dad used to say was that how a person acts and carries themselves has a lot to do with how people percieve you because when I was younger I was a quiet person so some may think easy target but I stood up for myself
Passing laws and blaming schools will not stop it so younger people are probably not even conscious of their behavior and the consequences of it until they are on the receiving end of it.
If people want to stop it it needs to be corrected when it happens the other thing is kids aren't stupid if they know what they are doing is wrong they more than likely won't do it when adults are near. With that said adults also need to set an example
You correctly wrote, "The majority of schools across the country have not yet prioritized social and emotional learning or are compelled to allocate budgets elsewhere." It is up to parents and those concerned with society at large to learn about and make demands for SEL in all schools.
Bullying is just one of the societal issues that can be reduced when, at an early age, we learn habits of controlling emotions and thought. Crime, addictions, obesity, teen pregnancy are other areas that will benefit with SEL in schools, and academics has been shown to improve by 11 to 17 percent in schools where there is effective SEL programming.
In Massachusetts, the SEL Alliance for Massachusetts (www.SEL4Mass.org) has been formed to reach out and educate people about the power of SEL to improve our society and then form coalitions that will encourage elected and school officials to embrace SEL as a way of teaching children in areas that are more important than content and more indicative of a happy, successful life.
...Although it may put quite a few psychologists out of work. But I'm sure that's still more of a good thing...