05/19/2010 05:12 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

Texas Should Be Kicked Out of the Union

UPDATE: Thank you all for the comments. Some of you, obviously, didn't quite get the intention of the post, but whatever. It's all quite amusing nonetheless.

I neglected to mention that the great state of Texas could just be handed back to Mexico. Given Mexico's current problems, that just isn't a viable option.

But wouldn't it be fun if countries could trade or sell parts of themselves?

A commenter suggested including Oklahoma in any Texas deal. Well, what would Oklahoma get on its own? It has probably the worst Senate combo in the Union -- Inhofe and Coburn -- and that would surely impact its value.

Or let's say my country, Canada, wanted to buy Maine. What would that cost us?

Now, some of you right-leaning folks are complaining about my supposed attack on Texas. Okay. How about trading my former state, Massachusetts? Even with Scott Brown in the Senate, I'm sure it has immense value as a bastion of liberalism. Think about it.

Anyway, on to the original post...


Homer: And how is "education" supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home wine-making course and I forgot how to drive?

Marge: That's because you were drunk!

Homer: And how.



Historians on Tuesday criticized proposed revisions to the Texas social studies curriculum, saying that many of the changes are historically inaccurate and that they would affect textbooks and classrooms far beyond the state's borders.

You think? Maybe the historians criticized them because the result isn't history but right-wing propaganda:

The changes, which were preliminarily approved last week by the Texas board of education and are expected to be given final approval in May, will reach deeply into Texas history classrooms, defining what textbooks must include and what teachers must cover. The curriculum plays down the role of Thomas Jefferson among the founding fathers, questions the separation of church and state, and claims that the U.S. government was infiltrated by Communists during the Cold War.

Clearly, Texas is controlled by un-American elements that are, to a man (and woman), utterly insane -- even if what they're doing fits right in with the current truth-denying direction of American conservatism.

The only viable solution, it seems to me, is for Washington to rid the United States of the massive disease that Texas has become. Let it go, for America's sake as well as for its own. Then it can revise history to its heart's content, a heart flooded with venom.

(Or perhaps, to make some quick cash, Washington could sell Texas to the highest bidder. Maybe a gaggle of Russian oligarchs. Or maybe trade it -- say, to China for Tibet and some significant debt relief, which would be good both for the spirit and for the pocketbook. Or maybe to Spain for Catalonia and the Basque region. Think how much better American cuisine would be if foodie-haven San Sebastian and El Bulli were American -- and how much better American soccer would be with Barça on board. I'd certainly throw in, say, Rachael Ray to make that deal happen. Texas is way too valuable, you say, what with the oil and the cattle and the Dallas Cowboys and all? Fine. Then ask for Majorca, too, along with the collected works of Pedro Almodovar. Still not enough. Then target Javier Bardem and Penepole Cruz, as a couple. They're Oscar winners. America loves them. And they're hot.)

Otherwise, for a country supposedly so devoted to its founding, and that takes its history to be somehow providential, where, as they say, is the outrage?


Simpsons quote, above, from the episode "Secrets of a Successful Marriage," Season 5. It first aired on May 19, 1994.

(Cross-posted from The Reaction.)