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Don't Worry, Millennial Gays: Your Summer Will Be All Right

07/25/2014 03:55 pm ET | Updated 4 days ago

Any outsider, and hell, even you, would probably think that it would be super-easy for two gays to just mate and play house together, right? Of course, why wouldn't it be? Let's see. Ah, you have two mutually attractive people of the same sex. Check! Two emotionally detached souls. Check! Oh, yeah, and let's not forget, two bodies full of testosterone. Ding! Ding! Ding!

Well, you were so wrong.

You probably never thought you were going to be this bad at the whole "I'm going to date tons of people in my 20s" thing that our generation loves writing about so much. You're little Ms. Talkative when it comes to striking up a conversation with random strangers, but when it comes to approaching men, you probably tense up like a little wimp and forget all the sense that your mother gave you, if she ever did give you any in the first place. And you know you need to start reassessing some things when your love life as a single, gay, and fairly attractive man starts looking quite awfully like the lyrics of a Toni Braxton song before you even get the man.

It's OK. You shouldn't feel completely pathetic for pitying yourself. You have the rest of the summer to get your groove on.

There are many ways that gay guys can make meeting other gays exceptionally harder on themselves than necessary. Here are some examples of how your life can become a real-life Toni Braxton song (which I am a huge fan of):

  1. You're not interested in only being straightforward with a guy in some dark room, crammed against other sweaty 20-something guys and guys who still act like they're 20-something.
  2. You may not be interested in auditioning for the role of Regina George or pretending to be like someone else just to get a man to notice you. Please! We've got one version of the Plastics already; we don't need any more of them.
  3. No disrespect to Grindr or any other digital interactive platform that helps gay men connect, but in my experience, it takes a certain type of guy to succeed on that thing. That's not me. No need to complain about "privilege" or even the ignorance of other people because you can't get a date whose only interest is in dating his twin brother. You're more creative than that. (I happened to get the "right" dates with all the emotionally unavailable guys.) But hey, if you think you have what it takes, go right ahead and create an account today!

If you agreed with those contentions, then you might be figuring, "Where else is there to look, then?" I don't know, but what I do know is that if gay guys keep playing this exhausting game of eye tag all the time, or choosing to stare down guys until they can get their attention and then look away, then all we'll end up with is the company of a glass of red wine and one of those horribly written gay romance novels. And that really won't be, as one could say, je ne sais quoi.

Frankly, even my own go-to "cop out," a personal favorite of mine, "I'm just working on myself," is not working anymore. You're 20. What is it about yourself that you feel the need to fix that much? Your friends know that's bull, and you do too. It may be true that you are on the "self-improvement" train, but that doesn't mean that you have to neglect all matters of your little 20-something existence. Damn it, if you can attract other amazing and positive situations in your life, then you can attract someone to cuddle with.

Sometimes it's difficult for us millennial gays to let our guards down, because a lot of us are afraid of intimacy, not just romantically but even in terms of loving friendships. For whatever unearthly reason, you can see something in someone else and be totally frightened and intimidated by that. To top it off, it doesn't help to be confronted with those who love to perpetuate this superficial, attitude-driven, and hypersexualized version of what some of us believe being a gay man is all about. It's as simple as this: If you find someone to be potentially meaningful, you say hi or find some silly excuse to talk to that person; then you shouldn't be judged or looked at as "weird." You are a human being, for cryin' out loud. You have needs, such as affection. And if someone gives you crap about that, then they aren't worth your time anyway.

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