Bristol Palin Can See Unicorns From Her House

It's springtime in Wasilla, and the air must be very thin indeed. Yesterday, Bristol Palin was announced as a new national ambassador for the teenage abstinence organization, Candies. No, there's no punch line. Given the regularity with which the various members of Alaska's gothic first family, both indicted and unindicted, have appeared in the news since Mrs. Palin's failed run for vice president last fall (turning the American media into their own personal haunted house in the process) yesterday's news of Bristol's new role was more like turning the dial to a reality show and seeing familiar cast member who has inexplicably not as yet been voted off Pop Culture Island.

OK, I have to ask: How on earth does Bristol Palin find time to fly around singing the praises of sexual abstinence, between pursuing that elusive high school diploma and caring for the son she and Levi Johnston had as...well...teenagers not practicing sexual abstinence? And second of all, why is the daughter of Alaska's increasingly unpopular governor still in the news at all?

Cynic that I am, I confess that my first thought was, Bristol Palin is the last person on earth anyone would want as a poster girl for "abstinence education" for several reasons besides the obvious one.

For one thing, her pregnancy was the most glaring proof that the theocratic moral agenda her mother was so hellbent to impose on everyone else's family didn't even work in her own family.

For another, there has been no apparent downside to the out-of-wedlock birth of her son which by all accounts has been a joy for the entire family. As a textbook example of an accidental pregnancy gone right, what is Bristol, who is supported both emotionally and financially by her family, going to tell the girls she lectures to? "Well yes, I had a baby and I wasn't married, but it was a blessing. We all look after the baby, and the whole family loves him, and they all help out. But---don't get pregnant. It'll be a disaster for YOU!" Or, better still, is she going to continue to say it on television, made up like a teen idol and styled to the hilt, with her handsome father sitting beside bouncing his beautiful grandson on his knee? And this presents an accurate portrait of the consequences of teenage pregnancy how, exactly? What's the message? Where's the deterrent?

On February 18th of this year, Bristol told FOX news that abstinence was "not realistic." Today, clearly having learned at the knee of the master, she claims the quote was "taken out of context." In the same interview, Governor Palin said she was "proud of her daughter" for "wanting to take on an advocacy role, and, you know, just let other girls know that this is -- it's not the most ideal situation, but certainly, make the most of it. And Bristol is a strong and bold young woman and she is an amazing mom. And this little baby is very lucky to have her as a mama. He's going to be just fine."

All very touching, like a commercial for someone planning to run for president in four years who wants to make sure the family values folks know she's still standing shoulder to shoulder with them against the foe. See folks? We're still here, and we're still just a family of Joe Sixpacks tryin' ta do the right thing. Yoo betcha!

That, of course, was back when Levi Johnson was still Miss Palin's "fiancé," and Mrs. Palin's followers were still caught up in the romance of the wedding Mrs. Palin assured her conservative admirers of during the election. The Palins made sure that there were more than enough photo-ops showcasing the baby, with Levi Johnson even then looking like an Abercrombie & Fitch moose that had wandered into frame and been whacked over the head with a two by four.

He must have sensed what was coming. In short order, Johnston began to appear on various television shows with his family, accusing the Palins of interfering with his access to his son.

The Palin family closed ranks, accusing Johnston of speaking to the media as a way to pursue "fame and fortune," which begs the question, if Levi Johnston was seeking "fame and fortune" by going on Larry King Live to announce that the Palin family was keeping his son from him, what was Sarah Palin doing when she cleaned Levi up and dressed him like a Macy's back-to-school model in order to Photoshop the empty spaces in her picture-perfect campaign promise of a family in November?

One might ask if this latest publicity grab by the Palin family is little more than an attempt by Governor Palin to regain control of her image, which has been spiraling into a deadly freefall as confirmed by the latest Hays Research poll, which has her approval rating at 59%.

On the other hand, maybe this has nothing to do with Mrs. Palin at all. Given the recent public tit-for-tat between Bristol and Levi Johnston, perhaps Bristol sees this as upping the ante, or repairing her own image by classifying their union as a "mistake" she wants to "warn other girls" away from. Or maybe she's just a bored teenager enjoying the chance to travel around on someone else's dime and enjoy her inherited celebrity for a little longer before Levi Johnson gathers his wits about him, contacts a fathers rights lawyer, and slaps Bristol and her her family with a paternal access suit.

"Abstinence is a great idea," Johnson said pointedly yesterday, "but I also think you need to enforce, you know, condoms and birth control and other things like that to have safe sex. I don't just think telling young kids, you can't have sex, it's not going to work. It's not realistic."

Suddenly I realized what an ironic stroke of genius Bristol's selection really. Bristol really is the perfect ambassador for abstinence education: She's proof that it doesn't work.

Over a billion federal dollars have been wasted on abstinence programs during Bush's eight-year Thirty Days of Night in an attempt to placate the conservative base. Study after study has proven that abstinence education is a failure because Teens Will Get Up To What They Will Get Up To. Especially when their evangelical parents (who are terrified by the very thought of naming body parts, let alone body fluids) have refused to teach and impress upon them them the absolute necessity of preventative birth control, including how to use a condom properly and how to use the pill if they're going to have sex.

The collateral damage of all this squeamishness is fact and truth. That, and the lives of those teenagers who are going to have sex anyway, because they like, you know, wanted to, but didn't have the tools to prevent the results, from pregnancy, to generic STDs, to abortions, to AIDS, and worse.

The "abstinence only" platform is entirely in keeping with the current incarnation of hypocritical conservative social morality. It's the Millennial answer to Nancy Reagan's vapid "Just Say No!" drug campaign, and has been shown to be just as unsuccessful. And what's been the solution? "Rebrand" the problem, don't fix it. Slap a fresh coat of lipstick on the pig, and tell people it's "designer" lipstick so they forget what's wearing it.

Put young girls in the pink Candie's babydoll t-shirt, the one with their slogan "I'm Sexy Enough To Keep You Waiting" and then tell them they're promoting abstinence and that sending an unambiguous indicator of resolute chastity to their boyfriends.

Instead of admitting that most teenagers are not going to wait till they're married to have sex---and need proper sex education in schools, and practical information including the correct use of available birth control---offer them perky Bristol Palin saying, "Regardless of what I did personally, I just think that abstinence is the only way you can effectively, 100% foolproof way you can prevent pregnancy." Then, when she's asked to reply to the very obvious question of how her new platform should be seen in light of her own behavior, have her say, "I'm not quite sure, I just want to go out there and promote abstinence and say, this is the safest choice. This is the choice that's going to prevent teen pregnancy and prevent a lot of heartache."

In other words, Do as I say, not as I do.

Yoo betcha.

Comments

[jimbeaux1961]

"Hi, I'm Bristol Palin. You shouldn't have sex because you might get pregnant. And even though I HAVE, and I insist that in MY case it's a Blessing from God, if it happens I will still look down on YOU. Tramp."

[mrbline]

Mr. Rowe,

What I like most about your pieces here is the emerging pattern which strikes at the core of the fundy/neo-con/GOP movement:

"How am I an opportunist . . . let me count the ways!"

It goes above and beyond simple hypocrisy into the realm of the depression era confidence man willfully bilking the people who actually believe this stuff and would throw all caution to the wind to find a champion. The Palins, Prejean, and the Plumber paint themselves as this deliberately full well knowing the target demographic will flock to them like moths to a bug zapper.

Keep up the good work.

[wds]

Its like a drunk going on TV to promote AA.

[mrbline]

I think you are missing the point here. AA is promoted heavily by "drunks" . . . former drunks . . . and that is a very effective and legitimate tool. The argument goes: "I was there, destroyed my life, quit, and am now a better person for it. So can you." I'm sure Bristol Palin is using a similar argument. Your statement assumes she is still having premarital sex. We don't know that.

The problem is not what she is trying to do, but why she is doing it. The problem is also that she cannot make the "don't let this happen to you" stand, because "this" for her wasn't all that bad. What we have here is a gimmick designed to promote a value system for no other reason than to garnish future potential votes. It mocks and exploits a very real issue that contains very dire consequences for young women.

[afgail]

Bristol is just the latest proponent of "Do as I say, don't do as I do." Is there a Republican of any age that is not a hypocite?

[doctorwang]

Good article on the effectiveness of abstinence-only education:

http://www.motherjones.com/blue-marble/2009/01/mississippi-vanguard-abstinence-sex-ed-now-boasts-highest-teen-pregnancy-rate-na

Mississippi, Vanguard of Abstinence Sex Ed, Now Boasts the Highest Teen Pregnancy Rate in the Nation
— By Josh Harkinson | Thu January 8, 2009 9:42 AM PST

[red19fire]

somehow i think bristol's situation is completely different from the majority of teen mothers out there. instead of sponsorships, speaking tours and book deals, i'm pretty sure they're getting shamed and disowned.

[doctorwang]

and struggling to pay for diapers and formula.......

[kamachanda]

This is nothing more than the Palin presidential campaign trying to repackage Bristol for the next campaign.

If she could see unicorns from her house, her mom would be pushing a bill through the Alaska State house to allow her to hunt them from a helicopter using a high powered rifle.

[trisha08]

That is so true, but has the religious right seen some of these ads from Candie's? Has Palin ever seen any of their ads? Wow...that's some "family values".

Plus, I wonder if the religious right approves of the message that Candie's is using as their abstinence only campaign: I AM SEXY ENOUGH TO KEEP YOU WAITING.

Ya, that's even more "family values" there.....teach your teenage girls to Be Sexy...but, not put-out, of course.

Maybe Bristol should be wearing the official t-shirts they sell since she is the official spokesperson.

[Archontruth]

She wouldn't need to. I'm pretty sure that's already legal

[DonnaInMichigan]

So Bristol is going to drag her now 4 month old son, around the country, to speak to teens in high schools about abstinence?

Is that healthy for a baby to be dragged from city to city, living in hotel rooms?

[doctorwang]

It never stopped the Palin's before- why should it now?

[trisha08]

One thing that I don't think has received enough attention is the hypocricy that this campaign is from Candie's.......the company that uses sex to sell to young girls. Are they kidding me? The company is known for sexually charged ads that targets young girls and now they are promoting abstinence?

Has everyone seen their message for abstinence? Here it is: I AM SEXY ENOUGH TO KEEP YOU WAITING (seen on tight tank-t shirts on young girl) http://www.candiesfoundation.org/tshirts.html

What kind of message is that for teenage girls? How about teaching girls that they are more than sex objects, and there is more than being "sexy". What's the message here for young girls----Be sexy, but just be a tease. Between this message and Bristol's, I think the message is quite mixed.

I wonder why Bristol wasn't wearing the t-shirt that has the slogan for the campaign she was promoting? Hmmmm. Also, would some of those right wing Christians have their daughters wearing this shirt?

[trisha08]

Great post. I was thinking much the same thing.

I am hearing/seeing a mixed message from Bristol for teens. First, she says the baby was a blessing from God and she can't imagine life without him. Then, she says don't have sex and a baby.

The image on TV was very much like the Madonna and Child.....Bristol lovingly holding her sleeping bundle of joy....smi­ling....su­rrounded by family....­..Sigh....­..such a beautiful picture. But, wait kids......you don't want to be blessed by God like Bristol, no really....you don't want any of this..you don't want to be famous for having a baby, you don't want to be as happy as that picture perfect family...do you?

Which one is it, Bristol?

Are they kidding?

[KayJay90]

That image on TV in the interview with Matt Lauer struck me the same way, trisha08 -- Madonna-like Bristol with sleeping Child -- how appealing that must have looked to young girls with boyfriends, both hyperhormonal and wanting to get closer...

I suspect the baby on Bristol's lap was zonked to the gills with some soporific stronger than warm milk. He never moved a muscle with all the hot lights in the studio, people talking around him, backstage activity. What a coincidence.

I'm not sure most teenagers wanting to get pregnant, or about to give birth really have a good idea of how many hours in the day a baby requires attention of some kind. The Madonna image is fine for the Mother of Jesus Christ, or a statue, but for regular mortals...not so much.

[indymaggie]

Is this all any of you have to do but attack a teenager? Maybe she is doing what she thinks is right. She's just not jaded yet like all of you.

[trisha08]

That's funny. Did you go on sites and attack Palin for "attacking a teenager"? She is the Gov of Alaska and she has been verbally attacking the father of her grandchild. How tacky.

Plus, Bristol is a pawn. She is doing what her mother told her that she WILL do. This is all about Sarah, don't ya' know? Sarah is trying to clean the slate to look all pretty and innocent for the religious right. It's really sad that she continues to use her kids for her own political gain.

[Bex DuSunshine]

You don't think its hypocritical? At all? Not one little bit?

[1canadian]

Its more than likely that she is being coerced into this for someone else's benefit and she's likely see how she is being used to that end... I'd even say she is being thrown under the bus as a sacrificial offering to one day wake up and realize how silly this all is!

[ReealOne]

Sorry, but teen pregancy is not a "play-play" matter. And the last thing we need is someone (like Bristol who has proven "ABSTINENCE ONLY" as a means of preventing unwanted pregnancy in teens, DOES NOT WORK) trying to influence kids with false information.

This is NOT a subject where we can afford to soften it up, just so it makes Bristol Palin or any of the Palins look good. It didn't work for Sarah Palin or Bristol Palin, or previous generations, and will never work, as nature has a way of dictating that. The ONLY thing that is going to help is giving kids the right tools (teach abstinence AND sex education) BEFORE they engage in risky behavior, so that they can at least make better choices than what we're seeing happening today.... It's too late AFTER the fact.

Does anyone REALLY think that by not educating our kids, or not talking about the consequences, it will stop teen from having sex and unwanted pregnancies? Or worst yet, having them sign some piece of paper and give them a "I promise not to have sex ring" until marriage. Puleeze WAKE UP!!! This is wrong and hypocritical on so many levels. This is an excellent article!

[trisha08]

Truly, can Palin come out now and bash bloggers (and everyone) for attacking her child when Palin herself used the media to verbally attack a teenager---Levi?

What a hypocrite.

Palin was saying the kids are off limits until she had a beef with Levi. Then, she had no problems airing her dirty laundry. As the only adult in the mix, she could have kept her pie-hole shut, but she didn't. Bristol was thrust in to the media before, but this is now a choice she made to enter the public eye. I am sure she is being forced by Palin to make her look good, but Palin can hardly claim that her kids are off-limits.

[Michael Rowe - Huffpost Blogger]

I agree. The other point is, this whole "kids are off limits" thing is nonsense. Bristol Palin is an 18 year old woman with a child. Her mother is not running for vice president anymore, and she went into the public arena this time all on her own. Regarding the woman who talked about "attacking teenagers," I suspect that most people are offended by the hypocrisy here more than Miss Palin herself, and really, at 18, she's old enough to vote, drink (in some states), and serve in the military. No one forced her into her new role, or obligated her to parlay her unwed motherhood into a vocation. Les jeux sont faits.

[skippypicasso]

A point in this article makes me wonder: what results of teenage sex are "worse" than pregnancy, STDs, abortion, and AIDS? Does anyone have a list handy?

[Bex DuSunshine]

They are all bad. But a recent study came out that 1 in 4 girls have an STD. I believe this is a direct result from lack of education. Especially when most teenagers (And I am one, so I can say this by talking to my peers) think that oral sex is not sex and therefore does not need to be protected.

I am fine with teaching abstinence. She is right it is the only 100% way to prevent against pregnancy.
But I do have a huge problem with abstinence only programs.

[Michael Rowe - Huffpost Blogger]

I was thinking of girls who botch their own abortions and wind up killing themselves and their offspring in the process, compounding the tragedy in every way.

[skippypicasso]

Thanks for your response. I might be picky and argue that those tragedies would be due as much to our inability to even talk about sex and pregnancy, but that wouldn't change anything.

[turk96]

Bristol had premarital sex and had a child as a teen and she is now getting paid big bucks and flown around the country to appear on television talk shows. Bet she wouldn't be getting this sweet gig if she had kept her pants on.

[liverjar]

I love all this liberal support of women:) You all are a hoot, attack,attack attack....too busy to realize they just spent 13.4 trillion of YOUR dollars... THAT IS 13,400,000­,000,000.h­a ha I guess we'll need all those kids to work to pay for it. Remember this is coming from a financial conservitive...BOTH PARTIES ARE THE SAME.. love ya sheep

[me again]

No, the "attacks" are specifically directed at Palin, not at women. Anne Coulter and Michelle Bachmann also get slammed for their problematic statements and stances. The "attacks" as you label them are also generated against men who make stupid statements as well, like Jim DeMint, Samuel Wurzelbacher, Sean Hannity and Rush Limbaugh as well. There is equal opportunity in commentary....as long as Palin decides she wants to remain in the public light and continues to take wrong headed positions for attempted political gain, she will be ridiculed.

[DRaymond]

This whole thing is much simpler than all that. It has nothing do do with wither Bristol is an appropriate or effective or even anything other than a national laughingstock. It simply has to do with changing one line in the Sara Palin one-paragraph bio:

"Governor Palin's daughter Bristol is a national advocate for teen abstinance."

Arranging one morning show appearance and suddenly a politician with national ambitions gets a shiny new byline to use about a member of her family. Even if she never does a single thing Palin can still trot out the line about her daughter being an 'advocate for teen. abstenance".

[Rogan]

Exactly right.