I couldn't pick an alleged Tiger Woods mistress out of a lineup. I couldn't tell you any of their names. There seem to be lots of Botox and store-bought breasts, weird piercings (high cheekbone?), and all manner of tattoos we can see, and probably plenty of Chinese characters emblazoned on...

It was either that title or, "Polanski Offers Release for Cash and Cuddliness." A toss up, right? Oh, and for those who haven't read the transcript of the victim's testimony,"cuddliness" is how the 13-year-old girl referred to Polanski putting his mouth on her vagina.

Yes, according to

Hear about those two South Carolina GOP officials who wrote that op-ed defending Senator Jim DeMint? Oh, man, with friends like these.

If you haven't read it yet, here's the opener by Edwin O. Merwin, Jr. and James S. Ulmer, Jr.:

Recently your newspaper published a letter...

"I know it wasn't rape-rape. I think it was something else, but I don't think it was rape-rape." - Whoopi Goldberg

Maybe Whoopi Goldberg can take a look at the following transcript and then explain to us which kind of rape this is. Is it a rape-rape? Or is...

Roman Polanski was arrested in Switzerland. Poland is outraged. France is shocked. And the German Film Commission doesn't understand how you can hold someone accountable for something that happened decades ago. The German Film Commission? Really?

So, let's say you're a parent of a thirteen-year-old girl. A famous Hollywood director,...

Are you sick to death of the I-can-out-crazy-your-crazy screaming, the Obama-wants-to-kill-yo-mama infantilism, the he's-a-Kenyan-Nazi-Communist, America-doesn't-apologize, torture-shmorture, government-is-evil-except-when-it's-interrogating-Muslims, my-gun-gets-bigger-when-you-rub-it, and the O'Reilly-Beck-Hannity-Limbaugh Axis-of-Evil? If the answer is yes, I salute you. If the answer is no, I also salute you... with this one finger.

I have some advice for all...

There's a line in A Few Good Men where Demi Moore says that Marines in Gitmo are very serious. Tom Cruise asks, "Serious about what?" Demi responds, "About being Marines." That's how Jews feel when you try and appropriate the word Nazi, we get very Gitmo about our Jewishness.

Editor's Note: This satiric take on the underlying racism of the birther phenomenon contains language some may find objectionable. If you are satire-challenged and prone to taking things too literally, it may not be for you.

I hear you, lady. And thank you for bravely holding up your birth certificate...

Okay, here's the pitch:

A Republican Governor from South Carolina disappears. For days. Nobody notices at first. When they start to ask questions, journalists are surprised to find that the Gov's wife doesn't seem upset and his staffers are oddly calm. Police aren't even called in. The...

Let's get this straight. This guy who walked into the Holocaust Museum and opened fire wasn't "disgruntled," or "frustrated by the economy," or by his "struggles as an artist." This guy is a murderer. He is a racist. He is a monster. Period.

Excuse me if...

Elisabeth Hasselbeck wants you to know that the recent Prop 8 vote in California is particularly special because it "came from the People," and that "Only the People should vote to amend the Constitution."

Um.... No.

If we left it up to The People, Liz, you wouldn't be...

There's a scene in Good Will Hunting when Will says that his foster father used to put a wrench, a stick and a belt on the table and said choose one. Robin Williams says that if it were him, he'd go with the belt. Will says he picked the wrench...

Have you heard? The republicans are in a period of "soul searching." And by "soul searching" they really mean, "Who do I have to kill to be in charge here?" The answer, of course, appears to be everyone's favorite Special Needs Governor, Sarah Effing Palin.

Catch the body language when...

Amidst all of the excitement, enthusiasm and hope at the election of Barack Obama and all that it says about our progress as a nation and a people, some things happened on Tuesday that should remind us of how far we still have to go, as measures that would deny...

I shall be telling this with a sigh, Somewhere ages and ages hence: Two roads diverged in a wood, and I - I took the one less traveled by, And that has made all the difference. - Robert Frost

My sister took her six year old to the...

Watching the fruit fly speech, I wasn't sure if I was seeing the real Sarah Palin, Tina Fey as Sarah Palin, or Sarah Palin as Tina Fey as Sarah Palin. It's all starting to blur. She was so absurd, so off-the-rails embarrassing, so staggeringly dumb, that it left me thinking...

I saw a clip of Ellen Degeneres today, so upset she had trouble catching her breath. Why was she so upset? Because the vice presidential candidate of the party of small government, of states rights, of "getting government out of your way," thinks that defining marriage is more important than...

It was like A Tale of Two Smiles last night -- It was the best of us, it was the worst of us. One man was a study in calm. The other was a study in batshit crazy.

I kept thinking of that line in As Good As It...

While being a POW sucks, it doesn't make you any more an expert in military strategy than undergoing chemotherapy makes you an oncologist. I mean, seriously, we added troops and the violence went down? That's like you're hungry, you eat a cheeseburger, and you're suddenly not hungry. Genius.

Also,...

I have to admit I was impressed when all those republicans revolted during the bailout saga. I may not agree with the principles at work but I have to admire people who stuck by theirs even as their own president and candidate pointed at the falling sky.

Of course,...