Michael Seitzman

Connect the dots between George W., Sarah Palin, Michelle Bachman, Rick Perry and Herman Cain and what you end up with is a roadmap of stupid.  It's the one thing about the current Republican party that the rest of us find so baffling, this obsession with choosing "regular" over extraordinary. ...

November 11, 2011

To: The Ladies
FROM: The Men
RE: All Your Bitchin'

Dear Ladies,

First of all, we don't know how you do it, bleeding every month like that. Jesus H. Christ, it's no wonder you can't think straight when you got another damn...

He said "point and click" and we all did. He said "pinch to make small," and we did. We did these things not because he told us to, but because he knew that we already wanted to.

He said we will carry our music in one place, and we...

Watch the press conference for yourself. Were his words taken out of context or did he made a series of ill-conceived jokes? Amidst the sarcastic humor and careless arrogance, I personally found Lars Von Trier's anti-semitic comments to be serious, self-assured, and stunningly ignorant.

For those of...

If you haven't been paying attention (and congratulations if you haven't), Natalie Portman's body double in Black Swan has called up some journalists to complain that she's the one who did all that dancing. Wait a minute, Natalie Portman didn't do all of her own dancing?! Obviously, there's...

First Glenn Beck glibly tells his cult that the earthquake and tsunami in Japan is God's wrath, "There's a message being sent and that is, 'Hey, you know that stuff we're doing? Not really working out real well.'" Then yesterday Rush Limbaugh mocks the Japanese victims,...

"Good actors, never use the script unless it's amazing writing. All the good actors I've worked with, they all say whatever they want to say." - Jessica Alba, Elle Magazine, Dec. 2010

Oh Jessica. You geniuses are so, um, genius. The way you just say whatever you want to say!...

Several months ago, a large portion of a giant, city-owned carob tree fell across the road in front of our house, exposing a massive beehive. The bulk of the towering, dying tree still looms precariously over our house. I spoke to the City of Los Angeles today. For your enjoyment,...

Look, she's never been a beloved candidate. Even Meg Whitman's supporters have never really been able to get excited about her. For most of them she may simply be the only ideological game in town. The rest are likely more blinded by the endless array of ads bought with her...

"The only thing we have to fear is fear itself." - F.D.R.

"Ask not what your country can do for you; ask what you can do for your country." - J.F.K.

"Our prayers r w/u.All industry efforts must b employed." - S.P.

Okay, you're a fisherman and...

You either asked someone or you were asked, but those six words were probably uttered at some point, and probably quite awkwardly. This year, somewhere in America, in a small town full of baseball fields and bakeries, churches and bowling alleys, a VFW club and a Dairy Queen, a young...

Anything that makes John Boener scream like the melting Wicked Witch is something I know instinctively must be a good thing. Yes, it's very trendy to say "it's not perfect," and "it's not everything we wanted," but the passage of the health care bill in the House yesterday is a...

"How do you plead?"
"Barely Guilty."
"Barely Guilty?"
"Um, yeah. Because the crime I'm accused of committing in California is barely a crime in some places in Europe, I'd like to plead Barely Guilty here."
"So then you're pleading guilty..."
...

I couldn't pick an alleged Tiger Woods mistress out of a lineup. I couldn't tell you any of their names. There seem to be lots of Botox and store-bought breasts, weird piercings (high cheekbone?), and all manner of tattoos we can see, and probably plenty of Chinese characters emblazoned on...

It was either that title or, "Polanski Offers Release for Cash and Cuddliness." A toss up, right? Oh, and for those who haven't read the transcript of the victim's testimony,"cuddliness" is how the 13-year-old girl referred to Polanski putting his mouth on her vagina.

Yes, according to

Hear about those two South Carolina GOP officials who wrote that op-ed defending Senator Jim DeMint? Oh, man, with friends like these.

If you haven't read it yet, here's the opener by Edwin O. Merwin, Jr. and James S. Ulmer, Jr.:

Recently your newspaper published a letter...

"I know it wasn't rape-rape. I think it was something else, but I don't think it was rape-rape." - Whoopi Goldberg

Maybe Whoopi Goldberg can take a look at the following transcript and then explain to us which kind of rape this is. Is it a rape-rape? Or is...

Roman Polanski was arrested in Switzerland. Poland is outraged. France is shocked. And the German Film Commission doesn't understand how you can hold someone accountable for something that happened decades ago. The German Film Commission? Really?

So, let's say you're a parent of a thirteen-year-old girl. A famous Hollywood director,...

Are you sick to death of the I-can-out-crazy-your-crazy screaming, the Obama-wants-to-kill-yo-mama infantilism, the he's-a-Kenyan-Nazi-Communist, America-doesn't-apologize, torture-shmorture, government-is-evil-except-when-it's-interrogating-Muslims, my-gun-gets-bigger-when-you-rub-it, and the O'Reilly-Beck-Hannity-Limbaugh Axis-of-Evil? If the answer is yes, I salute you. If the answer is no, I also salute you... with this one finger.

I have some advice for all...

There's a line in A Few Good Men where Demi Moore says that Marines in Gitmo are very serious. Tom Cruise asks, "Serious about what?" Demi responds, "About being Marines." That's how Jews feel when you try and appropriate the word Nazi, we get very Gitmo about our Jewishness.