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Michael Seitzman
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Michael Seitzman is the creator and Executive Producer of the drama "Intelligence," on CBS, starring Josh Holloway, Marg Helgenberger, and Meghan Ory.

Among his feature film work, Seitzman is best known for writing the film North Country, which received 2 Academy Award nominations for Best Actress in a Leading Role (Charlize Theron) and Best Actress in a Supporting Role (Frances McDormand).

Entries by Michael Seitzman

Enough

(13) Comments | Posted December 14, 2012 | 10:24 PM

The Second Amendment is a deal with the devil and I'm sick to death of being party to a deal I never made. The ignorant, illogical and ideologically perverted -- whether around your dinner table, on your Facebook page, at your office, on Fox News or in Washington -- have...

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Jersey, My Jersey

(1) Comments | Posted November 1, 2012 | 10:39 AM

Jersey, my Jersey, today I prayed
To ride the carousel at the Palace arcade.
To walk on your hot, splintery boardwalk
Hear the charter boats roar and the seagulls talk.
Watch the throaty planes sputter by
Drag their banners across a clear blue...

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A Moron Will Rise

(20) Comments | Posted November 15, 2011 | 4:36 PM

Connect the dots between George W., Sarah Palin, Michelle Bachman, Rick Perry and Herman Cain and what you end up with is a roadmap of stupid.  It's the one thing about the current Republican party that the rest of us find so baffling, this obsession with choosing "regular" over extraordinary. ...

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Your Period Is Making You Lie

(1) Comments | Posted November 12, 2011 | 10:14 AM

November 11, 2011

To: The Ladies
FROM: The Men
RE: All Your Bitchin'

Dear Ladies,

First of all, we don't know how you do it, bleeding every month like that. Jesus H. Christ, it's no wonder you can't think straight when you got another damn...

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We Are Steve Jobs

(70) Comments | Posted August 24, 2011 | 7:55 PM

He said "point and click" and we all did. He said "pinch to make small," and we did. We did these things not because he told us to, but because he knew that we already wanted to.

He said we will carry our music in one place, and we...

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Lars Von Trier's Real Dogma

(11) Comments | Posted May 18, 2011 | 4:25 PM

Watch the press conference for yourself. Were his words taken out of context or did he made a series of ill-conceived jokes? Amidst the sarcastic humor and careless arrogance, I personally found Lars Von Trier's anti-semitic comments to be serious, self-assured, and stunningly ignorant.

For those of...

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Who Was the Real Recipient of Kunis-lingus?

(51) Comments | Posted March 28, 2011 | 8:04 AM

If you haven't been paying attention (and congratulations if you haven't), Natalie Portman's body double in Black Swan has called up some journalists to complain that she's the one who did all that dancing. Wait a minute, Natalie Portman didn't do all of her own dancing?! Obviously, there's...

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You Have To Be Cruel To Be Their Kind

(3) Comments | Posted March 16, 2011 | 10:26 AM

First Glenn Beck glibly tells his cult that the earthquake and tsunami in Japan is God's wrath, "There's a message being sent and that is, 'Hey, you know that stuff we're doing? Not really working out real well.'" Then yesterday Rush Limbaugh mocks the Japanese victims,...

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Jessica Alba: From The Mouths of Boobs

(35) Comments | Posted November 6, 2010 | 10:47 AM

"Good actors, never use the script unless it's amazing writing. All the good actors I've worked with, they all say whatever they want to say." - Jessica Alba, Elle Magazine, Dec. 2010

Oh Jessica. You geniuses are so, um, genius. The way you just say whatever you want to say!...

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If a Tree Falls in Los Angeles, This Is the Sound it Makes

(4) Comments | Posted October 18, 2010 | 4:02 PM

Several months ago, a large portion of a giant, city-owned carob tree fell across the road in front of our house, exposing a massive beehive. The bulk of the towering, dying tree still looms precariously over our house. I spoke to the City of Los Angeles today. For your enjoyment,...

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The Real Housekeeper of California

(166) Comments | Posted October 1, 2010 | 4:48 PM

Look, she's never been a beloved candidate. Even Meg Whitman's supporters have never really been able to get excited about her. For most of them she may simply be the only ideological game in town. The rest are likely more blinded by the endless array of ads bought with her...

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Sarah Palin: St8sman 4 Hire

(18) Comments | Posted May 1, 2010 | 12:07 AM

"The only thing we have to fear is fear itself." - F.D.R.

"Ask not what your country can do for you; ask what you can do for your country." - J.F.K.

"Our prayers r w/u.All industry efforts must b employed." - S.P.


Okay, you're a fisherman and...

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You Wanna Go to the Prom?

(49) Comments | Posted April 6, 2010 | 12:30 AM

You either asked someone or you were asked, but those six words were probably uttered at some point, and probably quite awkwardly. This year, somewhere in America, in a small town full of baseball fields and bakeries, churches and bowling alleys, a VFW club and a Dairy Queen, a young...

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Good Wins Over Evil. Period.

(544) Comments | Posted March 22, 2010 | 1:44 PM

Anything that makes John Boener scream like the melting Wicked Witch is something I know instinctively must be a good thing. Yes, it's very trendy to say "it's not perfect," and "it's not everything we wanted," but the passage of the health care bill in the House yesterday is a...

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"Barely a Crime?" - An Answer to a Polanski Apologist

(55) Comments | Posted December 29, 2009 | 9:04 PM

"How do you plead?"
"Barely Guilty."
"Barely Guilty?"
"Um, yeah. Because the crime I'm accused of committing in California is barely a crime in some places in Europe, I'd like to plead Barely Guilty here."
"So then you're pleading guilty..."
...

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The Women of Tiger Woods

(41) Comments | Posted December 14, 2009 | 3:53 PM

I couldn't pick an alleged Tiger Woods mistress out of a lineup. I couldn't tell you any of their names. There seem to be lots of Botox and store-bought breasts, weird piercings (high cheekbone?), and all manner of tattoos we can see, and probably plenty of Chinese characters emblazoned on...

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Polanski To Offer Cash and Cuddliness For Release

(153) Comments | Posted November 1, 2009 | 5:33 PM

It was either that title or, "Polanski Offers Release for Cash and Cuddliness." A toss up, right? Oh, and for those who haven't read the transcript of the victim's testimony,"cuddliness" is how the 13-year-old girl referred to Polanski putting his mouth on her vagina.

Yes, according to

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Oh No Jew Di'nt!

(112) Comments | Posted October 19, 2009 | 11:00 PM

Hear about those two South Carolina GOP officials who wrote that op-ed defending Senator Jim DeMint? Oh, man, with friends like these.

If you haven't read it yet, here's the opener by Edwin O. Merwin, Jr. and James S. Ulmer, Jr.:

Recently your newspaper published a letter...
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The Good Kind of Rape

(452) Comments | Posted October 1, 2009 | 1:15 PM

"I know it wasn't rape-rape. I think it was something else, but I don't think it was rape-rape." - Whoopi Goldberg

Maybe Whoopi Goldberg can take a look at the following transcript and then explain to us which kind of rape this is. Is it a rape-rape? Or is...

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And the Best Child Rapist Award Goes To...

(185) Comments | Posted September 28, 2009 | 8:35 PM

Roman Polanski was arrested in Switzerland. Poland is outraged. France is shocked. And the German Film Commission doesn't understand how you can hold someone accountable for something that happened decades ago. The German Film Commission? Really?

So, let's say you're a parent of a thirteen-year-old girl. A famous Hollywood director,...

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