10/03/2006 11:24 pm ET Updated May 25, 2011

Mark Foley Wants You to Know He is a Baseball Fan

My favorite part of today's press conference was when Mark Foley's attorney said that, "Mark Foley wants you to know that he is a gay man." Hey, Mark, when you tell a minor that you have an erection because you're fantasizing about his bare ass, announcing that you're gay is about as relevant as admitting to be an avid fan of the Florida Marlins.

My second favorite part of the press conference was when the guy's lawyer said that Foley accepts full responsibility for sending salacious computer messages to teenage male pages, but, by the way, any suggestion that Mark Foley is a pedophile is false. Your honor, I take full responsibility for robbing that bank, but any suggestion that I am a bank robber is completely absurd.

My third favorite part of the press conference (lotsa good material there) was when the lawyer said that Foley sent the messages while under the influence of alcohol. Really, Mark? You're going with the drunk-as-hell defense? I've been plenty drunk, plenty of times, but oddly it never made me want to tell a child that I had a boner. Nor did it make me knock over a liquor store, steal a car, fire a sniper rifle from a high perch, or anything else that the congressional leadership might deem "inappropriate" behavior.

I submit the following definitions to Mr. Foley, his attorney, and all of the journalists who continue to refer to Foley's actions as evidence of his, um, gayness:

sexual perversion in which sexual feelings and advances are directed toward children.

when a person has a sexual attraction to people of their own sex.

(NOTE: If you still don't know the difference, one of them results in good taste, a thick skin, and an obsession with all things Streisand. The other results in resignation from Congress, an investigation by the FBI, probable criminal charges, a fake trip to rehab, the dismantling of your party's leadership, and a humiliating headline in every newspaper in the world. Oh, and the kids who had to read that filth when all they wanted to do was learn.)