The Argentine Affair: The Movie

06/24/2009 09:47 pm ET | Updated May 25, 2011

Okay, here's the pitch:

A Republican Governor from South Carolina disappears. For days. Nobody notices at first. When they start to ask questions, journalists are surprised to find that the Gov's wife doesn't seem upset and his staffers are oddly calm. Police aren't even called in. The FBI isn't informed. Didn't I tell you this would be a big movie?!

Well, after four days, his staff tells us he's off hiking the Appalachian Trail. Naturally. He loves the outdoors. Makes perfect sense that the Governor of South Carolina would inexplicably disappear, skip Father's Day with his kids, and go on a hike in the woods by himself. By this point, the audience knows that this wasn't just a hike. Something is very, very wrong. Maybe he was kidnapped? Blackmailed? Drugs? Whatever it is, it's big. Very big.

So, next thing that happens is that the Gov's car is spotted at the airport! Oh, man. This is getting serious. A reporter stakes out the terminal, finally catching the Gov... on his way back from Buenos Aires! Amazing, right?! It's like The Bourne Identity! The Governor was in Argen-frikin'-tina, baby! Can you say "Big Tentpole?!"

Okay, now we're ready for the Big Reveal! Here it comes! Get ready! Hold onto your ass...


(sound of crickets)

You're passing? Are you crazy? What's not original? Did I mention Argentina?! Do you know how many Evita jokes we're going to tell!

Okay, wait. I have another idea. A reality show starring Newt Gingrich, Larry Craig, David Vitter, Mark Foley, John Ensign, and Ted Haggard. They're all stuck in the jungle together, eating bugs and wiping their asses with palm leaves. The host is Rush Limbaugh. It's called....