With nearly five months to go, coverage of the 2012 presidential race has devolved into the self-parody of dueling gaffes. Recently, "Obama lost his mojo!" Can the return of "Mittster the master gaffester!!" be far behind?
In an effort to remain conscious, media analysts spent several days last week deconstructing the nuances of a 2016 presidential bid by Hillary Clinton. Some insiders are even whispering -- off the record, of course -- that with brilliant Bill in her corner (overtly, at least) President Hillary will win re-election in 2020 and "run the country" until 2024.
A Gamblers Anonymous survey of more than two dozen of the nation's premiere pundits -- all of whom asked that their names be withheld in case they're wrong -- revealed that by the end of Hillary's second term, Americans will be sicker than ever of the Clintons. Dick Morris, the nation's foremost Hillary-despiser -- whose past prognostications have been almost as accurate as those of an ordinary citizen equipped with darts and a dartboard -- told me, on the record, that the last straw will be a viral video of Hillary chowing down on a bowlful of illicit green M&M's.
She may try to use the environmental "green" defense, but, says a Morris surrogate who spoke on deep background, "that dog is unlikely to hunt -- and if it hunts, it will find chocolate, and chocolate is deadly to dogs." The scandal will shine a light on the hypocrisy of Hillary's ban on cacao-based substances, rolled out with great bravado on ABC's 20 20 in 2020 by Vice President Mike "Nanny" Bloomberg.
Sources have told Fox News, though not for attribution, that anti-Clinton fever will pave the way for a two-term Marco Rubio presidency. Rubio confidants, who spoke on shallow background, confirm that the Florida governor is well on his way to raising a trillion dollars from 10 of his mega-wealthy supporters, whose names, of course, will be withheld from the public. A Rubio spokesperson, who wouldn't even tell us his gender, said a trillion, give or take, will be the minimum necessary for the 2024 Republican primary campaign.
All of the above, fascinating as it may be, is mere political static compared to the sentence I found yesterday scrawled on a discarded cocktail napkin in the American Airlines Platinum Club bar at Ronald Reagan Airport.
Chelsea Clinton will seek the presidency in 2032.
A series of phone calls to a dozen or so political heavyweights, who spoke simultaneously on and off the record, reveals a growing consensus that by the early '30s, the country will again be ready for a Clinton in the White House.
Three of the top four American Jungian analysts, who refused to reveal their names lest their affairs with Freudians become public, sent me emails confirming that synchronicity is at work here. For numeric evidence, consider this: In 2031, Chelsea will be 51, precisely the same age her father was at the end of his first term!
The Clinton team is well aware that only 19 years remain before the crucial 2031 Guam primary. Two analysts told me, one in confidence and the other in secret, that each party will likely spend $25 million in pursuit of that territory's lone delegate.
One key Clintonista, who refused to be identified for fear of Guinier-style vaporization, admitted that a wide variety of "Chelsea '32" ads, including a series of interactive billboards targeting the millions of drivers of cars that drive themselves, are close to completion. A Clinton camper confirmed that key
Chelsea operatives have made pilgrimages to the mega-mansions of James Carville and Paul Begala and the 10,000-acre Cayman Islands estate of George Stephanopoulos to map out a game plan which, independent sources confirm, will include both strategies and tactics.
FOCs (friends of Chelsea) Dave and Will, who spoke on the record but withheld their last names, verified the Beltway buzz that the vetting process for Chelsea's running mate has begun in earnest. Speculation centers on a "Chelsea/Malia Dream Ticket." The only negative: The right's obsession with Malia's birthplace and ancestry.
Donald Trump's granddaughter Kai Madison Trump said this, "totally on the record": "Malia's 6'4" stature, which makes her far taller than either of the people who have become known as her 'parents,' is conclusive evidence of a vast rationalist conspiracy to hide the truth -- that Malia is the biological daughter of Michelle Obama and 7-foot-6 Yao Ming." (Ming, of course, retired from the NBA in 2011 to become Premiere of China.)
A quick and dirty survey of the nation's most prominent futurists -- who were willing to speak candidly on the record with the proviso that their names can only be revealed in the future -- left no doubt that Chelsea is the odds on favorite in 2032 to become the most powerful person in the history of the Milky Way. (A source deep in the Rubio camp notes that his boss will declare amnesty for those caught eating Milky Ways during the notorious Clinton/Bloomberg "chocolate bar crackdown" of 2022.)
A leading FOB explained, not for retribution, that it was Chelsea herself who conceived the brilliant unifying theme for her campaign, a theme that evokes an America that will never be while casting a heart-tugging look back at an America that never was.
It's Chelsea Morning in America
Follow Michael Sigman on Twitter: www.twitter.com/majorsongs