Vanity Affairs

In every affair consider what precedes and what follows...
-- Epictetus

South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford isn't a man's man, nor is he a ladies' man. He's a very strange man, to be sure. But basically he's a selfish man.

Everyone now knows that Sanford betrayed his wife and kids by conducting an affair with an Argentinean woman whose "tan lines" -- according to an email he sent her -- proved irresistible. Leaping over damage control into hero-worship, Sanford's friend Cubby Culbertson -- whom Sanford calls a "spiritual giant" -- positioned his pal as "a man's man" for having the courage to fess up to his sins: "Any man can fall. But it takes a real man to get up and honestly, from his heart, confess that he was wrong."

Clubby Cubby isn't all wrong -- what he describes might be admirable if only it bore some resemblance to what the Governor actually did. Instead, Sanford followed the time-worn pathway of lying ever more elaborately -- he was hiking the Appalachian Trail! He was motoring down the non-existent coastal roads of Argentina! -- until the edifice of his dishonesty crumbled under its own bizarre weight. In other words, until he got caught.

Sanford's melodramatic, sweeping apology could serve as the video dictionary definition of "How to make things worse when you get entangled in a web of lies." Dripping with operatic self-pity --"I spent the past five days of my life crying in Argentina," he said, "so I could come back and cry here" -- he apologized to his wife, kids, assorted friends and colleagues, constituents and, unless I misunderstood, every sentient being in this and all parallel universes. (Note to the Governer: when you say "of my life," it's a narcissistic tell. They were the past five days of our lives too.)

Sanford's apologia even included a meta-mea culpa when he expressed regret to his four sons not only for shattering their lives but also for breaking the news to them in front of millions of TV viewers, as if there were no alternative.

Any doubt that this was an affair of the ego was laid to rest when Sanford used the word "self" three times in one brief, nonsensical sentence: "The biggest self of self is indeed self." Indeed.

In 1990 Mia Farrow, then in a long-term relationship with Woody Allen, who was 55, discovered nude pictures he'd taken of her adopted daughter, the then 21-year-old Soon-Yi Previn, whom Allen had helped raise since she was seven. Woody acknowledged that he and Soon-Yi were having an affair but refused to publicly apologize for his appalling behavior. He simply offered the voracious media this brief tautology: "The heart wants what it wants."

The implication is that because the heart wants something, any behavior in pursuit of that something, no matter what the collateral damage, is excusable. (Notice there's no reference to a living, breathing person who can make choices.)

Thankfully, we have Woody's art to console us when his actions don't. At the end of Hannah and Her Sisters, a wonderful movie about, among other things, an extra-marital affair -- in which Mia Farrow plays the role of the the victim (!) --Woody's lovable character says, "The heart is a very, very resilient little muscle."

In the quotidian world, couples come up with a variety of plans to deal with temptation. One apparently happily married couple I knew during the '80s agreed that, since the husband's sex drive was the stronger of the two, he was allowed to have meaningless sex outside the marriage. I never found out if he acted on it, but I did learn years later that the wife had had a passionate affair that ended the marriage.

My old friends the Brilliants -- and no, I am not making up that name -- had a better idea: they maintained, in writing, a "free fuck" list. The rule was that if either had the opportunity to sleep with someone on the list, they got a one-time-only free pass. No harm, no foul. The unwritten rule was that the listees had to be unattainable icons like Richard Gere and Michelle Pfeiffer, suitable only for fantasies.

And speaking of fantasies, Governor Sanford -- taking a page from Rudy Blagojevich, who compared himself to Ghandi -- upped the narcissistic ante several days after his demented press conference by likening himself to King David, who "fell mightily...but was able to pick up the pieces."

But King David really did repent, deeply and for years, and wrote a bunch of hit songs in the process. I'm afraid the kindest thing that can be said about Sanford's analogy would be to paraphrase Bill Clinton, another philanderer who lied through his teeth until he got caught: It depends on what your definition of "picking up the pieces" is.

Comments

[JailNeoconVicts]

I had a simpler solution when I married my wife. My mom -- who adored my then-fiance -- came to me one day and said, "Don't you ever do anything to hurt that girl." And, although I've been tempted, I never have, because that one simple statement never left me.

[baseballmom]

I could buy the idea that Sanford was in love with Maria but not with his wife, but the only thing a decent, honorable man can do is FIRST get a divorce THEN proceed with the love affair. After all, "true love waits" as they say in abstinence class.

Anything else shows him to be the coward and cheat that he is.

[Malkin71]

His marriage vows said until death do they part, not until one of them gets bored.

If they care so much about the sanctity of marriage, then walk the walk.

Outlaw divorce, not gay marriage. Walk the walk.

[justoverit333]

He confessed he was wrong after he got caught.
end of story. Cubby can spin it any way he wants

[justoverit333]

Awesome article. the "fu&* list" was an
interesting idea.

[PatA]

Speaking from my own experience, a person can do the right thing if they fall in love with the wrong person.
I stayed in the city where we met and he moved several hundred miles away. There was no affair as in physical. I will not deny that it was an affair of the heart. (I've never liked that phrase, but didn't know how else to say it).
We never saw one another again.
Was it a happy time? No. Would I do it again? No.

[S1m0n]

Having an affair is betraying your spouse, for sure, but it's not betraying your kids.

[KMan1]

Kids are not immune to the hurt that comes with an affair. Knowing that your father rather spend father’s day with his mistress instead of you and your brothers isn’t something that makes you feel good about yourself. Trust me they will never forget it. Remembering the pain that both parents experienced as a result of the affair doesn’t go away either. As for the kids at school? Well, you can figure how that one will go over. An affair turns the family life upside down and it is the kids who suffer the most from its instability. Dragging children (yes, dragging as they have no choice in the matter) through an affair is in fact the ultimate betrayal.

[bowthai]

Only too would the vainglorious compare themselves to biblical figures. Sanford as King David? No, Sanford did not fall 'mightily' and it remains to be seen whether or not he will pick up the pieces. He is simply a politician who had an affair. No need to coat reality with allusions of some greater importance, even if it concerns the heart.

[Lorifromky]

Mark Sanford fell in love with another woman. It is not fair to his wife or children, but it happened. He has to turn his back on one of these women. If you were his wife, would you really want him still if you knew he loved another?

[Hollywooddeed]

If I were Mrs. Sanford, I wouldn't want him back based on that, plus the knowledge that he's a lying, disingenuous babbler of family values and the sanctity of marriage, and a wimp.

Maybe she really didn't know his family values were in his pants.

We'll have to see how much the babe from Argentina wants a washed up, ex-Governor, who lied to and cheated on his wife.

[BannedFromCommenting]

Only a matter of time before Maria's tan lines become annoying marks on her body as he seeks out the Gabriela, or Lolita

[Know-some-secrets]

There is nothing to admire about Sanford's affair. And Michael Sigman is right to draw the most direct comparison, which so man partisan warriors refuse to do, when he references: "Bill Clinton, another philanderer who lied through his teeth until he got caught." Many might add "and he still does."

it will be interesting to see if Sanford finds some character and resigns to spare SC an ugly, divisive, destracting impeachment process, and if Jenny Sanford follows the Clinton example of accepting adultery as a fact of her marriage.

[RosieLee]

Debating the morality of Sanford V Clinton is a pointless exercise. If American Liberalism continues to follow the developmental pattern of UK's there'll be little concept of marital morality left to discuss in a few years time. By then, the debate will be more along the lines of how to avoid bankruptcy in the national health service, how to avert the collapse of public services, to how to sustain a world record number of single parent families, how to reform massive political corruption among the political class. Mere marital infidelity will by then be viewed as an inconsequential matter.

[JoeSchmuk]

'Mere marital infidelity' maybe. Running away from your job, lying to your staff, spending public money on private pursuits, putting ones hypocrisy on display and expecting an intelligent and discerning public to buy it - i don't think so.

[baseballmom]

American Liberalism is to blame, huh? Last I heard Sanford was a staunch Conservative, along with Mark Foley, Larry Craig and John Ensign.

[Edwin Badulis]

You should have think first the 5 souls you love before you love(?) again. You should think about the hurt the consequences of the 5 souls. You should have pray hard then before doing it. . .it can be done if you have tried . . .Now, you are a sinner with a weak mind and soul. You have no answer. . .just stay alone and repent. . .THINK GOD

[ESerafina42]

Well, it wasn't all about himself. The number one person he mentioned hurting was the mistress. His wife and kids were pretty far down the list.

[jennyc]

Okay, I'm not condoning Allen's behavior, but my understanding is, and I think you shoud have mentioned this, is that he wasn't living with Farrow during that whole time. He always had his own place, and he didn't really have much to do with her many many children. It's still kind of icky, but he and Farrow weren't married, and Soon Yi was 21. I think people view that whole thing like he's some kind of monster, and I think it should be put into context.

[aspertame2]

Woody Allen and Mia Farrow adopted two children together and had a third, biological child. After the breakup, there was a huge custody battle complicated by the situation with Soon Yi, who, if I recall, had no birth certificate (born overseas), and was given a "best guess" DOB coming into this country. So if sleeping with the ex-'s adopted kid isn't creepy enough for you (seriously? Less creepy because not her biological child or what?) - there's the matter of sleeping with his *own* children's­/biologica­l child's adoptive sister.

Custody court found several aspects of Allen's behavior pretty darned icky and he lost parental/visitation rights.

[JoeSchmuk]

I'm with JennyC here. Soon Yi was 21. She was not his flesh and blood. Did he do 'stuff' with her when she was a minor. I am inclined to think not. In many of Allen's movies, the lead actor has close and positive relationships with children, and never is there the hint of impropriety. Allen only reflects the reality that if one is open and sincere with children, one is usually treated to similar behavior, a circumstance that can be so often be missing in adult to adult relationships. Is it so hard to believe that such a relationship could be carried over into adulthood? I think not.

Allen is still with Soon Yi. I think that says something about the benign nature of the relationship, and the general disapprobation (ickyness) says a lot more about the uptight moral uneasiness of a puritanica­l/pornogra­phic public than it does about Allen.

Sanford's case is much different. he is a puritanical, moral bigot, and is trying to use public disclosure and hypocritical or phony moralistic values to offset the perfidy of his actions.

[Michael Sigman - Huffpost Blogger]

You're right about the circumstances of Allen/Farrow. It's also to Allen's credit that he's still with Soon-Yi all these years later. Still, his behavior back then was, I think, beyond icky.

[S1m0n]

Sanford's affair was qualitatively different from Clinton, Craig, Spitzer, etc. They were just party boys tom catting around, but Sanford appears to have been in love. It's not possible to tell if he was in love with Maria or in love with being in love with Maria (a structural hazard of long distance romance), but for his it was about the emotion, not the sex. That's sweet, IMO.

This matters because guys like Clinton and Spitzer don't leave their wives, and when all's said and done they've bruised only pride. Sanford's going to break hearts. Men in Sanford's boat often leave their marriages, for better or for worse.

The primary purpose of the conservative emphasis on 'family values', then, is protecting marriages from Sanford's kind of infidelity, because this the kind that does real damage.

[Know-some-secrets]

S1m0n, Bill Clinton was just one of the "party boys tom catting around"? He was president of United States, he had an affair with a young intern in the Oval Office and lied to the nation and the courts about it. He recklessly risked his presidency for a cheap thrill, and gave his opponents fuel for a Constitutionla crisis.

So somehow, Clinton is morally superior because he is a serial adulter with his wife's permission? What about the women he has used?

[S1m0n]

Huh? Morally superior? I've said nothing of the sort. That's your interpretation.

Clinton was getting laid. Sanford was falling in love. These things differ in significant ways.

[mydwyf]

It was about the emotions common to mommy's boys.
Sanford said that 'fifteen years ago he didn't need love, but . . . . now he does'.
Fifteen years ago Jenny and Mark were parents of a toddler, with more babies to come.
To me, that is by far the most hurtful thing that he has said.

Mommy's boys don't deal well with parenthood. Takes the focus off of them.
So they go looking for women who will mother them again. The ideal woman for them
is divorced or separated and has an older child or children, thus 'proving' that she is maternal
but is also past the demanding stage of mothering younger kids and can thus focus on Him.

[Beegood]

I think this is right on. Mark Sanford has shown himself to be a very selfish man. It takes a special kind of fool to think you can do whatever you want until you get caught. Then you just say I am sorry, and look at the pain I'm in and then all is better. He still has to find out the hard way that doesn't work. Loving that his wife isn't buying any of it. The people of S. Carolina should keep up the pressure for this guy to resign, they are ill served by this narcissist.