Welcome to Pennsylvania!

Welcome, Candidates! It's been a long time since Pennsylvania mattered in a presidential contest and we are elated to host you. As your self-appointed advance man, I offer the following survival tips for your seven-week sojourn into the Keystone state:

Pronunciation matters. When in Philadelphia, make certain that Olney is "ahl-uh-nee," Passyunk "pa-shunk" and the Schuylkill "skoo-kul."

In central Pennsylvania, Juniata County is not akin to a Hispanic first name, but rather "joo-nee-atta." In Pittsburgh, it's spelled Monongahela, and pronounced the same way.

Sports. Work in a mention of the Eagles (pronounced "Iggles") anytime traveling east of Harrisburg; reference JoePa whenever driving through or flying over central Pennsylvania, and describe the Immaculate Reception anytime subjected to a Q&A in Pittsburgh.

"Big Five" means basketball, and not the number of superdelegates controlled by city Democratic chairman Bob Brady.

Amish country: It's beautiful, but you may want to avoid Intercourse, Pa., for press avails. Ditto Blue Ball.

Politicos call it the "T." That's anything outside of the Pittsburgh and Philadelphia media markets. If you don't know why, get out a map and some crayons and it will come to you.

James Carville. Yeah, we know what he said about Alabama. Still, it's no reason to shout out "Free Bird" in central Pennsylvania. Better you reference Bon Jovi.

If you want to establish some street cred with the locals, tell Tim Russert you can't appear on "Meet the Press" because of a time conflict with Sid Mark's "Sundays with Sinatra."

The start of hunting season is a school holiday in much of the state.

Consider Ted Nugent's "Cat Scratch Fever" for a rally introduction.

Philadelphia photo-ops. When you do the obligatory Reading Terminal stop, don't ask where the trains are. Similarly, no need to ask why 9th Street is called the Italian, and not the Asian, market.

Quote from the Daily News, not the Inquirer, to show you are a people person, excepting only the "Currents" section on Sundays.

Don't worry about rain on Election Day unless there is an antiquated map on Channel 6 with a puffy cloud over Pennsylvania.

Pennsylvanians love John Heinz and his family's ketchup. The jury is still out on Teresa.

We already know we deserved the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, no need for the reminder. (BTW, Philadelphia has a soft spot for classic rock, and we'd like to see Yes in that Hall of Fame.)

Philadelphians are tired of a particular tourist question. The answer is: He ran up the steps of the Art Museum.

Whatever the problem, a local man named David L. Cohen can solve it.

Upstate, if you say "youse," it will get you an applause line; ditto for "younz" in western Pennsylvania.

Anywhere but central PA, complain about not being able to buy a six-pack in a Wawa.

Dietary. The Geno's vs. Pat's decision is more important than NAFTA. If you speak English, support the memory of Police Officer Danny Faulkner and want a fence built on the Mexican border, go to Geno's; otherwise it is Pat's. Either way, do not make the mistake that cost John Kerry the White House - never, ever, order a cheesesteak with Swiss cheese.

Also, order scrapple for breakfast. Just don't ask what's in it. In Pittsburgh, if you are offered a sandwich stuffed with french fries, fried lunch meat and cole slaw, say "yes" and don't act surprised.

City Hall. Ignore the white noise you may hear above the mayor's desk; it has to do with a previous tenant.

Endorsements. If you are offered support from something called the Geator with the Heater, accept it. If you are asked whether you know anyone called "Sir Charles," tell them to put the call through. Also, try to have your picture taken with Pat Croce. Finally, see if Jimmy Rollins will say you are the candidate to beat.

One more thing. If you are asked any question that calls for an answer with a list, be sure to include Sister Mary Scullion, as she makes every list.

Comments

[BrooklynLager]

"Philadelphians are tired of a particular tourist question. The answer is: He ran up the steps of the Art Museum."


A much better question is "how many times a day do tourists run up those steps and do the rocky pose?" It's seriously an every-time-you-look-up occurance.


As a former Philadelphian, I'd add to steer clear of that metaphor ENTIRELY. Extra points for the Obama campaign if they can work out a witty comeback to Hillary!'s inevitable Rocky reference. You know it's coming - she won't be able to resist herself. You have one month.

[Romeover]

Smirkonus (that's how Pennsylvanians pronounce his name) has laid out the campaign strategy of the "conservative" candidates: ignore the issues, and appeal to the provincial prejudices.

[Jennysaypa]

The thing to really know is that We in Western PA are a real combination of salt of the earth and entrepreneurial types whle people in Philadelphia are right-wing bourgoise trash who are controlled by political machines and who couldn't find housing in NYC or DC.

If you just go around Pittsburgh's dahntahn you will miss much of western PA, although you will see more museums than Philadelphia (the Warhol, the Carnegie Museum, the Science Museum, Frick, it just keeps going on and on....)

We have:
* The oldest evidence of human habitation (17,000 years) in the western hemisphere at the Meadowcroft Rock overhang, a pre-clovus site by the town of Avella, 25 minutes from Pittsburgh. This is a good canvassing town as well.

* Falling Water, the Frank Lloyd Wright masterpiece in Uniontown, also a good excuse to canvas there.

* Sewickley, a traditionally Repubican town that is ripe for conversion (Santorum came out of this area), but the wealthiest investment town in Pennsylvania. They are open to it as well. I'm hosting for Barack Obama an O'bama Irish St. Patricks day house party fundraiser there.

* The Stillers, as noted earlier

* Hometown of intelligence supremos like M. Hayden.

* Some of the most beautiful intact rural land in the country in Somerset county.

* Pittsburgh will become the new capitol once Washington and NYC get vaporized through the failed policies of Bush and Clinton.

Eating in rural Western PA:

Mountain View Inn, Route 30 E of Greensburgh
Our Miners Cafe, Jennerstown
Herbs Old Tavern, Jennnerstown
The Penn Alps (route 68 and 219 - actually in Maryland at state line). Big Amish buffet, although give the tips to the waitresses directly as the management swipes them. And they're Amish too!
T-bones in Wexford for good deli food
Sewickley Cafe

Don't patronize people from Western PA. They're not stupid.

And don't rag on our hunting. If you don't want to discuss the best way to gut, don't bring up the topic. We Obama supporters are as heavily armed as McCain supporters in states like Texas. Southwestern PA has the the highest number of concealed carry permits in the state and we're damn proud of it.

See yuns in the Burgh.

[remc]

Hun, I'd come over yer house and give yuns a hug if I could! I grew up in all those places, what a great post, and so true. BTW, my 91-year-old grandma back in southwestern PA is amazing even herself and voting for Obama. Yay!

[Jennysaypa]

A $25 donation to the campaign and I'm yours! And your grandma's! We are developing limericks for the O'bama party over at wonkette.com, although most are unprintable.

[Meah]

I telephoned Democrats in Pennsylvania in 2006 to go to their polls and get rid of Santorum. They were great and planning to do just that! And they did!

[Meah]

My husband is from the east coast and he can't stand Philadelphia. He says the people are rude and crude. From this post, I certainly would not feel welcome there. Don't tell me what to say and not to say.
Such lists of rules tell me Pennsylvania is no place to visit. Jeeze!

[Jazz42]

I agree with you. I certianly wouldn't recommend Pennsylvania as place to spend time.

[HeevenSteven]

Since you have no sense of humor, you wouldn't be welcome here anyway; and It's obvious that your husband never spent time in Philly, or it was a very long time ago if he did.

[Rhouse]

I posted this on the other Pensylvania site- For all you Obama supporters in PA a site to make you either laugh or smile, and is packed with Mikes' friends:
http://www.pafoa.org/forum/lounge-108/12994-hillary.html
enjoy

[MrUnlimited]

I've lived in PA for 15 years now and I applaud your article because I your cultural references made me smile (except for the "Iggles" pronunciation of Eagles; do people really say it like that? Where do these people live???). Anyway, good article.

[MRF]

Wonder if Russert or anyone else will ask Obama if he supports Mumia?

[TheJibreelaMonsters]

that would be a great question

[strifeknot]

Why ask Obama but not Clinton or McCain?

[BrooklynLager]

Oh god do NOT give him any ideas.

[FDRbyGodDemocrat]

"Cat Scratch Fever"? Really? Pennsylvanians hate music that much?

[greatbear451]

I have no idea where he got that idea.

[JohnFromCensornati]

I thought that maybe it was a reference to Nugent's animal hunting obsession since it immediately followed the line about the hunting season.

[drblack]

Smerconish is a Right Wing talk show host. he is much better then Rush or O'Really? but he is not at all a Progressive.
The Freedom stealing Right wing is not going to be able to get republicans to vote for Hillary in PA because it is a closed primary.

[antaeus]

They won't need to. Have you ever been there? A typical PA Democrat would be a Republican anywhere else. And a typical PA Republican? Don't even ask.

[JohnFromCensornati]

I've been to Arkansas and I've been to Illinois.
I can't say that just visiting a state gives me any insight on what kind of Democrats live there.
What kind do they have in those two states?
Ones that vote like RepubliCons?

[Rhouse]

And yet We put Patric Murphy - Dem (only Iraqi vet in congress) into office. Yeah, we still like Sen. Spector (a moderate Repub.) and He also forgets to mention that we went for both Gore and the Kerry in the elections. And yes I voted for them and hated Rickky Santorium when he got into office.

[TheJibreelaMonsters]

I'm a Republican, I'm from Western New York, that is dead on and that is funny!

[creasdp6]

Here is a coal region speak reference for those who need to navigate through PA

http://www.coalregion.com/Speak/speakA.htm

[Rog49Thomas]

Rick's Cheesesteaks - Reading Terminal

Marathon Grill - Serving the Neighborhood

Imperial Inn - HK-style dimsum

Four Rivers - Best Szechuan in town

[gevan]

I will never forget how the "Keystone State" gave Jimmy Carter's candidacy the aura of inevitability. Thanx a whole fnckiug lot.

[Toonadude]

No --- he was the not the embodiment of all evil ever known to mankind. It has been 32 years --- let it go --- let it go.

[soylentgreenleftovers]

Mike: what's the story on the humongous slag-heaps Pnnsylvanians appear to call "Scranton/Wilkes-Barre"?

[blastocyst]

Relics of Pennsylvania's mining heritage. From Allentown and points North.

[pmhunt]

Welcome to Pittsburgh, the home of the Stillers, (Pittsburgh Steelers) and the Pens (Pittsburgh Penguins). If someone wants to take you to the strip, go, (short for strip district) that is where that infamous french fries, cole slaw and fried meat sandwich is served @ Primanti Bros., (Best sandwich ever made). If you want some luncheon meat ask for jumbo (bologna) and if you are going to the closet, you are really going to the cubboard. Mention the chief, (Art Rooney) and Myron Cope, (legendary sports broadcaster who just passed, inventor of the Terrible Towel). Make sure you wave it, because it certainly brought the Stillers lots of good luck, 5 super bowl rings. If someone wants to take you on an incline ride, go, it is where you ride in a small box car on reels and climb a mountain side to arrive in Mt. Washington. Maybe its better if you buy a book on Pittsburghese, because you are going to need it. Can't wait to see ya.

[biglover]

Perhaps you should learn how to spell STEELERS.

[radicalcentrist44]

He spelled it how it is pronounced, much like "Iggles". Get a clue.

[antaeus]

Perhaps you should learn that Pennsylvanians don't like to say "perhaps."

[Ward1964]

The cheesesteaks are also TTEERRIIFFIICC at Molettiere's in Lansdale,Montgomery County.

[curly2]

RIP Myron Cope.

I'm a Philadelphia girl who lived in Pittsburgh for three years, and love both cities. Democrats here are some of the most passionate I've met anywhere in the country. Republicans, at least on the outskirts of Pittsburgh area, are pretty passionate too-- a lot of fundamentalists who wouldn't vote for a Democrat if you threatened to take their first-born sons.

More Pittsburgh stuff:

Nebby: nosy. "My sister's so nebby, she's always trying to tell my how to raise my kids"
Yinz (not Younz as described by Smerconish above) Same definition as the southern "You-All"
Gumban--- rubber band
Chip-Chop Ham-- I was always too scared to eat it.

The main supermarkets in Pittsburgh are pronounced Giant Iggle, and Iron City is the Yuengling of Pittsburgh. And if you move a chair from the side of the street in South Side so you can park your car on a Friday night, you'd better be careful.