The Plane Truth

I hate flying. As do you, presumably, unless you are under the age of 11, or a masochist. I live in Barcelona, and I just got back from a weekend in Rome, which is why my loathing is in full-flower right now -- 2 separate flights in under 3 days sort of brings it all to the surface. I long for the days of train travel. Yes, I know there are still trains, but come on, there might as well not be for all the average person uses them. Airlines have one thing going for them, and that's the convenience of a short travel time. They dangle that advantage over everyone's head like a microscopic bag of peanuts. And half the fun might be getting there, but if it takes half your vacation time for the year, probably not worth it to you.

It may be the most practical form of travel, but that sure doesn't make it pleasant. I came off the second flight wanting to be the Martin Luther of Air-travel, wanting to nail my considerably-less-than-95 Theses to the jetway door and cause a great uprising. Here are some of the highlights of my various epiphanies. I had to reconstruct them from memory, as there was no way to write them down while seated on the plane -- if I had tried to write anything, the movement of my elbow would likely have broken the ribs of the lady next to me. WHICH, brings me to:

1. It is neither right, nor fair, that people be treated as sardines, minus the oil. They SHOULD use the oil, in fact, so that it would be easier to sort of slither past each other to get to our respective perches. You are telling me they couldn't take out, say, 5 or 6 rows, and charge $30 or $50 or $100 more a ticket?? I would pay it, gladly, and I can't imagine I am alone in this. What do people that are over 6'1" or 6'2" DO on flights? Yoga? I can't even imagine.

2. It is an intellectual abuse of free economy to charge varying prices for the same exact service. Imagine if buses worked this way -- "For you, sir, the Greyhound ticket to Cleveland will be $36, for your pretty wife there, it will be $342, but we'll let the kid there travel for $197. We are running a kiddie special this week."

How does this make any sense? Whenever I fly, I consider passing around a yellow legal pad for everyone to write down what they paid for their ticket. I figure gathering data is the first step to cracking the obscure mathematical formula that governs price-fixing on commercial airlines.

3. Absolute airplane power corrupts flight attendants absolutely. Other than crossing guards, meter maids, and mall security guards, I have never seen people in uniform that are so drunk on their own power. They smile at you, but it's the smile you give a four year old having a tantrum. The smile says, "Cry all you want, but you know Mommy is the one with the Popsicles," or in this case, the mini bottles of vodka. I'm a customer, dammit, and I paid anywhere between hundred to a thousand dollars to be on that flight. Doesn't that count for anything?

4. Rules and regulations should exist for a reason outside of ceremony and tradition. I have grave doubts that:

a) my seatbelt on a flight actually serves a purpose, except possibly keep me strapped to the seat as it is sucked out by air pressure in the event of an in-air explosion

b) my seatback being upright during takeoff and landing has ANY EFFECT whatsoever on anything, other than on the knees of the person sitting behind me. (And the whole reclining seat thing is just a 2-inch butterfly effect anyway, it's not like it really makes any difference other than giving you a much-needed illusion of movement in an otherwise immobile environment.)

c) my bag/laptop being under the seat in front of me, as opposed to under my feet, will miraculously keep it from becoming a projectile were the flight to experience extreme turbulence.

So why are these the rules again? I am sure someone knows, and I am sure that someone isn't me.

5. A human has the basic right to food and water, and the administration of such on planes should reflect the appetites and thirsts of an average person. I don't tend to do shots of liquid, unless said liquid is alcoholic. So why are even the non-alcoholic drinks on flights served in cups the size of thimbles? The last time I felt satisfied after drinking four ounces of anything, it was formula. And why is the food ALSO served in Smurf-sized portions? You are telling me that the airlines can't obtain a Cisco account that they could use to feed passengers a far more substantial meal at a cost-increase of say, $3.00 a head? School cafeterias on their meager budgets do it, maybe these airlines need to hire some lunch ladies and ditch a couple of flight attendants.

I call for an end to all airline tyranny. I think these airlines are milking their varying degrees of financial instability to justify poor customer service and questionable business practices. I don't think making some small changes for the sake of sanity would do anything except make flying less torturous. Half the fun is getting there? I would settle for ten percent, and I don't think that's too much to ask.