The last time my son, daughter, husband and I sat down together for a meal was ... well, the last time we took a vacation together. I made a heroic attempt on Memorial Day, when I had theater tickets and a dinner reservation. Alas, my daughter dropped out hours before, due to a pressing school assignment. Three of us enjoyed Denzel in the flesh and excellent pizza, and his father and I figured just getting our son out of his room and out of headphones was a victory.
Like millions of others, I sat down with my mother, father and siblings virtually every night while I lived at home. My mother did not work, except in the kitchen, and my father would show up at 6 p.m. every night and we would all move to the table. There we consumed pretty decent food -- was anyone else eating canned pineapple and cottage cheese and cream cheese and walnut jello mold? -- but I guess social observers would say what was most important was that we were all together, even briefly.
My kids, of course, wonder what we could possibly have talked about. The truth is, not much. I remember vocabulary games my dad used to play and perhaps we talked a bit about what had transpired in our days. But I truly don't recall any revealing or probing discussions. And I , for one, kept most my inner thoughts right there.
Today, of course it is all about communicating via electronic gadgets and pathways. I have yet to be twittered by my daughter but that's only because I can't for the life of me figure out what it is, how to do it and why we need it. But in truth, I feel I am more in touch with my kids than my parents were with me. Face it, sometimes it is easier to say things in a text.
I learned about menstruation via a cringe-inducing little film when I was in the fifth grade called Mary Grows Up. I am quite sure my own daughter learned the basics from me, somehow, in the midst of our hectic lives. I like driving to my son's school to pick him up simply because it is enforced time together. Yes, his ipod is going but I can usually sneak in a few questions or anecdotes. And I believe something is getting through all those wires, beats and beeps.
This was proved to me on Mothers Day, when my children gave me the most cherished and creative gift I could imagine: a homemade CD featuring versions of songs I love. They included everything from K.D Laing's "Hallelujah" and Dean Martin's sexy cowboy song, "My Rifle, My Pony and Me," to those that meant the most to me as a young girl, like "Gidget" and the theme from "The Mickey Mouse Club." Some of their selections held immense personal significance to me. To name a few: "If I Were a Carpenter" by Bobby Darin, who I briefly dated, and "Killing Me Softly with His Song," which I, in fact, played a key role in making happen.
What did this show me? Despite the fact that years seemingly go by without us all sitting and talking, my children know me very well -- much better than my own parents, who insisted I sit at the table with them every night, ever truly knew me. I have friends who tell me they insist on family dinners at least once a week, despite the fact they may get home late and the kids have likely already had two or three recipe-shattering snacks. More power to them.
Then there is one clan I know that recently managed to bridge the old and new in truly memorable fashion. They had their Passover dinner via SKYPE, with half the family in New York, one son in Buenos Aires and the father and uncle in Indonesia. Now that's a family dinner that means something.
Michele Willens' play FAMILY DINNER, will perform at the Beckett Theatre in NYC from June 17-July 3.
Irvin G. Schorsch III: 6 Tips to Empower and Inspire Children for Success (PHOTOS)
We looked forward to dinner and the lively debates around the table. Of course that was when we got older, but when we were small it was alphabets, numbers,etc.
I know i am dating my self but we had one tv in the house, with only 3 channels and oh my gosh we had to get up to turn the channel usually it was my brother or I
We had stationary party line telephones, talking about being unplugged. I hate seeing children today plugged into all of that technology and no one talking to each other. It makes me very sad about what parents and children are missing out on. No wonder the children of today can't read, they don't need to, everything is forced fed to them by some electronic devise, and here I sit on the computer, but I am in my 60's so there.
I've always had a few non-negotiable rules around our house, one is that there are no headphones (or other distractions) in the car. I love the times we have together, talking and joking and I always learn what's going on in our son's lives during those times. Until this year when my youngest son turned 17, we had 1 tv and it was in the family room. We had to co-operate in order to be entertained and we were usually together. Our computer was also in the family room and we negotiated time on it with each other.. my son was finally allowed to have a laptop in his room this year and yet he normally sits with us in the family room while he's doing homework.
I recently spent time looking after my niece and nephew and it was the loneliest time I've ever spent. They each have video game systems, tv's, computers and mini fridges in their bedrooms. They come home and disappear.. they grab some frozen crap for supper and scurry back to their rooms. When they're in the car, the buds are jammed in their ears and talking is out. I found it sad and when I asked them to please debud and talk to me, they were actually happy to do it. My nephew told me I knew more about him than his parents after a few rides.
Young parents... Do not listen to this crap!
My wife and I have dinner at least 6 nights per week with our two teenage children and we laugh and joke and get in each others business and sometimes have conflict and mostly, we listen. It works really well because we are all there. We look into each others eyes and hear the tone in each others voices. We are present. But then again, we also do not let our kids text or tweet. When they need a cell phone they borrow their mother's or mine. One has a Facebook account and he gladly lets me see he and his friends postings.
I know this can be difficult, but isn't is worth it? Taking time is the best gift you can give.
None of us are perfect, but we refuse to allow technology to ruin our lives.
Unplug your kids before it is too late.
I feel sad for Michele Willens' family.