Warm Butts And Mood Seats

06/02/2015 05:42 am ET | Updated Jun 02, 2016

What is one of the worst things about an office job? Besides the "having to go to work" part?

The communal bathroom.

Sharing a bathroom at home means sharing family germs which has way less of an 'ick' factor than sharing coworker germs. Unless you find you are a lone female in a family of boys, then the ick factor is very nearly the same as office toilets.

Question: Why the hell do boys pee down the side of the toilet? The toilet has a fairly wide opening. How do they miss as often as they do?

The reality is, if you work in an office, then you probably have a common bathroom that is shared by many.

After spending over 30 years working in offices, it's apparent that too many people need an education or at least a reminder of good office bathroom etiquette.

  • If possible, put at least one stall between you and any other occupied stall. For all that is holy, if there are six stalls and the 6th one is occupied, don't use the 5th one.
  • Don't talk to people who are peeing. While I am sure this isn't true for everyone, some of us like to pretend we're the only ones there. If you talk to people then that illusion is shattered. They may even start straining to force their urine out as fast as possible as to extricate themselves from the conversation and end up spraining their urethra.
  • DON'T HOVER. You spray pee all over the damn place. Don't try to say you clean up after yourself, you do not. You wipe off the biggest drops and you go on your way.
  • If there is an occupied stall and you don't hear pee sounds, then whoever is in there is waiting to poop. Don't be a dick and linger at the sink. Wash your hands and get out of there so they can be finished before the next person comes in.
  • If you run into a coworker you are friends with in the bathroom, don't spend the next 15 minutes bitching about your husbands and talking shit about Sondra in accounting.There are less disgusting places to conduct gossip swapping.
  • People usually stash personal stuff under the sinks. If you find 'borrowing' some of their personal lady products is an absolute necessity, then don't forget to replace it. Leaving someone short on tampons should earn you a special room in hell where you have nothing to listen to but Rush Limbaugh and the theme to Happy Days.
  • If you must brush your teeth in the communal bathroom, then be as discreet as possible. You are used to the way you look with toothpaste dripping out of your mouth, the rest of us just find it repulsive.
  • If someone is in the bathroom and they can't follow the practice of 'I'm not pooping until everyone leaves' because they have an emergency and waiting isn't an option, do not make eye contact with this person. Be a decent person and let them pretend they are invisible.

Follow these guidelines and everyone's communal toilet experience will be more enjoyable.

Even if you follow all the rules, there is some unpleasantness that cannot be avoided in the shared bathroom environment.

On of the worst thing that happens in a shared bathroom is butt heat transference.

Here's the the scene: you walk into the bathroom and someone is washing their hands at the sink. All the stalls are empty and you try to calculate by the sink she is washing her hands at which stall she came out of. You are not always going to make a good guess and then when you sit on the toilet seat, it's warm. Your butt absorbs the heat of your coworker's butt.You are then one degree away from actually touching your bass ass to your coworkers bare ass.

If we had mood toilet seats, we'd be able to see right away if one had been recently occupied. Also, depending on the color left behind, you'd know whether or not avoid that person for the rest of the day.

Helpful charts for reading the mood toilet sit could be posted on the wall next to the sign that describes in great detail the best way to wash your hands. The CDC recommends saying the alphabet twice!

How to read the colors on the mood toilet seat:

Gray -- This person has no body heat and is probably part reptile. The person who last sat on this seat is also the person who complains the heat is too low in the Winter and the A/C is too high in during Summer.

Green -- This person had fast food Mexican food recently.Your best bet would be to run and not look back.

Blue/Green -- This person is about 5 minutes away from a full body PMS freak out. Do not taunt or even approach this person.

Black -- This person is on a first name basis with Satan. If burning the building down is not an option, then it is imperative you find a priest for a bathroom exorcism.

Until mood toilet seats become a reality, we still have to just guess and hope we get a cold seat. The simple rules, however, can be followed today.

Earlier on Huff/Post50:

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