If you would have asked me if I had a boyfriend a month ago I would have said absolutely not. It has been years since I had a serious relationship and about 18 months since I even ventured out into the dating world. But on December 1, 2007 I met a wonderful woman who would change my life and help me to realize that I was in a very serious relationship...with food.
A few months ago I put my intention out vocally to a friend by saying, "I really want Jenny Craig to sponsor and help me take back control of this part of my life since the kidnapping." You see, I have been on this ever fascinating path to better than ever for 7 years. But the way I chose to deal with my emotional shut down after the break in was to turn to food, particularly pizza. Yup, I would dress it up in different toppings, watch a movie together and wake up the next morning wanting more. I was dating pizza.
For the last 7 years I have consistently put on weight, a self-protective bubble, in order to be invisible. I thought this was the only way to keep anyone from stalking me and attacking me ever again. But what this false sense of security did for me was give me time to miss one of the best parts of my life I loved before the violent crime against my daughter and me. I loved being a woman, being feminine, being sexy and yes, being a smart, funny attractive go-getter. I began to feel like it was time to re-connect with that part of who I am in July of this year when I proclaimed to my friend that I was going to inspire other violent crime, abuse and trauma victims to do the same.
On December 1, 2007 the CEO of Jenny Craig walked into my former place of employment and heard about my story, my book and upcoming events in 2008. I told her about my voicing my wish to my friend in regards to Jenny Craig and by Tuesday I was offered a sponsorship opportunity and began my climb out of the bubble around me.
It has been three weeks now and I have to say it has not been a cake walk, excuse the pun. My first pour of the pre-portioned cereal into one of my bowls that beg to be filled to the rim, usually at midnight, was a huge eye opener. I thought to myself, "no wonder I'm fat!" Then there was the dinner portion of fettuccini that was unlike any Italian size meal--and I'm part Italian--that I've ever had. But what is happening now is that I am learning to have a healthy relationship with food. I am eating really great tasting food that is balanced and never makes me too full or never leaves me still hungry. I am noticing the huge portions of food served everywhere we go. From double-doubles to super sized everything, I am shocked at what I never even noticed or considered before. I was oblivious.
I am now walking, playing tennis again, using an exercise machine that was given to me by the owner of Whole Body Vibration almost daily and feeling that old familiar thing called self worth tingling up my spine and making me smile. I recently wrote this, an affirmation to myself after finding myself saying these things out loud, standing and on my knees, in my living room:
I Am 12-19-07
Standing, begging, crying out
Asking to be delivered into my purpose
To be given the divinely blessed platform to use my voice
To speak out and speak up for those who cannot yet use their own
For I am strong enough
I am passionate enough
I am caring enough
I am bold enough
I am warm enough
I am deserving enough
I am loving and faithful enough
I am more
I am yours
I am
Kneeling down and lifting up
Knowing my path is clearly defined before me
Opening the gift and digging into the box filled with courage
I will see my life on the screen and in the end it will shout out for positive change
It will beg and cry out for a pro-innocent American Justice System
It will speak out and speak up for the protection of others
I will see my next book inspire hope and peace and forgiveness and love
I've been through the storm now send me out
For I am determined enough
I am strong enough
I am deserving enough
I am faithful enough
I am hard working enough
I am loving enough
I am kind enough
I am bold enough
I am grateful enough
I am enough
I am more
I am yours
I am.
I will do this because I am ready, because I am my daughter's role model, because I love myself more than I ever have in my life. I even made it through Christmas without gaining a single ounce!
My spiritual counselor told me yesterday that when the pupil is ready, the master shows up. I am ready and what is showing up in my life is nothing short of amazing blessings and the opportunity to take back this important part of my life, inspire others to do the same and stop my very unhealthy relationship with pizza so I can celebrate my success and sexy forty something self!
Follow Michelle Renee on Twitter: www.twitter.com/dreambiglife
I am still "fat".
I too resorted to eating for comfort and company. I too am astonished at what is considered "normal" portions doled out at the local diner and watching people polish it ALL off.
I regret the clamp but rationally, I have "cured" my GERD, my soaring blood pressure is down to normal, my blood sugar is in control and I no longer suffer from systemic infections and neuropathy, my sleep apnea has improved to less lethality. I can move and concentrate. I no longer take anti-depressants. In fact, I no longer take any meds except Ibuprofen for colds and soreness from working out.
My fabulous lover assures me of my beauty and sexiness everyday. Indeed, he may be right because before I met him this fall, I spent the summer successfully hunting men 25 years younger. I now run with a pack of beautiful young college girls that adore me. I am 48.
Since meeting the love of my life, he is 54, I am hanging with the "adults" getting involved with the community, politics and church.
I have a new exciting job lined up working with a dangerous instrument of science. The mathematics provide deeper escapism than food. Just think, a year ago I was applying for disability because I was crippled by obesity. My insurance did not cover the lap-band so I paid for it and saved my life.
Liquid meal replacements and above all, small portions always, always, always.
Love life more than pizza and enjoy a slice.
The Transpersonal Psychologists would say, maybe, that your trauma is part of the preparation for your destiny. That isn't to say that you deserved it or that it was ineivitable... just that the trauma is part of the healing. And the healing of others is part of your healing.
Keep nurturing yourself, let yourself change and grow. Its ok to relate to food differently than you have in the past...imagine if you spent your entire life without that ever occuring to you, without ever trying a different path.
You can live unconsciously and eat and survive on automatic pilot and enjoy the default life, the predictable results. Many people never think about what they put in their faces...
Good for you, just be diligent and consistent because some days will still be harder than others. Those are the days when you have to push a little harder....