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Michelle Schweiger Schecter Headshot

A Higher Calling, Indeed

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Miss Alaska has resigned
24/7 the pundits have opined
Rick Sanchez thought she might be with child again
What's he smoking at CNN?

She cut and run the day before 4th of July
Leaving so many to wonder why
Perhaps she's taking a gig with Dave for a while
Convinced finally that he's no pedophile

Clearly other options she is looking to explore
Maybe she'll join Bristol on her abstinence tour
Or take a class in geography
Then tell us what other places she can see

The whole matter is really starting to smell
Only one who's enjoying it is Sean Parnell
Pit bull it turns out she is not
Just a skirt with nice heels soon to be forgot

Who could have predicted this rash move none can understand
Truly shocking to her Party -- the one just Old, not Grand
And having lost, of late, more than a few good men
What are they to do now without their mother hen?

Seems it's down to Pawlenty and Mitt
Neither blessed with much charm, talent, or wit
They could tap Bobby Jindal, after that stellar rebuttal
His fatuous analysis served only to befuddle

The rumors untrue she first spoke of this with Rudy
It was just a friendly call to get some hosting tips from Judy
What to serve after the meal at her soiree in Wasilla
She wanted to make chocolate moose but Mrs. G proposed vanilla

Her announcement made on the shore of Lake Lucille
Seems with the per diem she's been getting quite a deal
She rambled incoherently, never got down to brass tacks
Her speech utterly devoid of any sense or facts

She had the sheer audacity to invoke the name of Lincoln
Even Big Mac was left wondering what he could've possibly been thinkin'
Republicans who thought at first she was their perfect tonic
Had to grudgingly admit that now most find her quite demonic

These "silly accusations," she whined, are tantamount to insanity
Well, once her desk is cleared we'll need not contend with her inanity
Poor Poppy Jim returned from fishing in a chipper mood
Only to learn his dear son Todd would no longer be first dude

She claimed the state had wasted money better spent to build a road
You betcha she knows we know that excuse is just a load
To deflect from Housegate we heard cries of 'Media: Unfair!'
Reminiscent of her '08 response to high priced clothing she did wear

How ironic she told her audience "life is about choices"
When for the Lifers she's become one of the loudest voices
She informed the people of her state she won't serve as a lame duck
Now back to her true calling as a "(Hockey) Mom I'd Like to F#*k"

We heard that after her big speech she spent some time, uh, tweeting
It seems she still could not explain just why she was retreating
"Act in accordance to your conscience" -- that's all she wrote
Was that the best she had to offer those who'd given her their vote

ABC's Ms. Behar noted she's a very pretty girl
Which put her right wing co-host into quite a whirl
The former tried to mollify: "She is a superstar"
Alas, little Miss Lizzie lacks the smarts with Joy to spar

Her camp lays blame for this morass on Couric and on Fey
How much better it would be if those pesky gals just went away
And it's clearly female journalists she does seem to abhor
Can you believe she's got the balls to sue HuffPo's Shannyn Moore?!

Even from her friends at Fox, reviews were far from glowing
Liz Trotta called her "wacky" and wished that she'd get going
The commentary was spot on, though we already knew
"Inarticulate" and "flaky" -- we think time's come to say 'adieu'

Perhaps most shocking was the dish from much esteemed Mr. Rove
Don't think even he bought the fantastical tale she wove
He cast doubt on her specious claims our Ship of State she could steer
Might be the first time Karl's said something we could bear to hear

Soon-to-be-ex-Governor, a final thought for you
Just one last hurrah before your time is through
How 'bout a stint on late night with those whips named Bill and Jon
Then we can at long last bid you "Goodbye, Good Luck, Be Gone!!"