Air In the Hands, Mother-Stickers, This Is a F*ck Up!

Ever say something that came out wrong? Your body does it all the time.

Here's how to make sure it doesn't happen.

I was with a friend at a gay bar the other day. He was hawkin' on a hottie, thinking things were going great when all of a sudden Hottie kills the conversation and walks away. My friend was not happy. He blamed Hottie for being an arrogant SOB. I blamed my friend for being blind to his own body language.

Body language is the leak in the faucet of attitudes and emotions. It tells you what guys are thinking and feeling. There's a truth about nonverbal communication -- and gay dating -- that's hard to absorb: The negative body language of the guy you're attracted to is mostly a reaction to yours.

Let's say the guy you're hitting on isn't smiling. You know why? Because ... well, before I tell you the surprising answer, let's pretend you're part of an experiment Professor Ulf Dimberg conducted with 120 volunteers at Uppsala University in Sweden.

You're asked to frown when you see pictures of people frowning. You do. You're asked to smile when you see pictures of people smiling. You do. You're then asked to frown when you see pictures of people smiling. You can't. Not without Professor Dimberg first noticing the twitching in your facial muscles. It revealed what a professor at University College, London, calls a "mirror neuron" that makes your brain copy the facial expressions you see. These and other studies point to an almost immutable law of non-verbal communication:

The universal reaction to smiling is smiling back.

Whether you smile at a stranger or someone you know, whether you smile at somebody who's attracted to you or not, they are going to smile back. It may be a fake smile, a quick smile, but they will do it.

Which brings us back to my friend. You know why Hottie didn't smile while he talked to him at the gay club? Because my friend didn't.

"Air in the hands, mother-stickers, this is a f*ck-up!"
Ever say something that came out wrong? Your body does it all the time. It's got a vocabulary of its own and its "words" don't always match the ones coming out of your mouth. Especially in the anxiety-producing situations that gay nightlife is famous for. For example, you might say things that telegraph your interest but you might not look in his eyes. Maybe because you're shy, maybe because you're intimidated. It doesn't matter. Your words say, "Come here" but your body says, "Go away." Since 80% of communication is non-verbal, he probably will.

Try this exercise: Cross your arms over your chest, do you cross them left over right or right over left? Try it. Now reverse it. If you're like most people, you had a "body stutter" -- a hesitation caused when an unconscious movement comes into awareness.

Here's another: Raise your arms above your head. Turn to the side and look in the mirror. If you're like most guys, your arms will be up but not directly above your head. The point: If you're not aware of what you're body is doing when you're reading, thinking and looking in the mirror, imagine how unaware you are about what it's doing in a stressful situation -- like talking to Hottie.

The only way to make sure that you're body is in sync with your words and intentions is to be aware of your actions, gestures, and expressions. The question is, how?

Click here for an article on my incredibly effective way to take a body language inventory of yourself during high-stress situations.

Mike Alvear is the author of the first body language book for gay men, Attract Hotter Guys With the Secrets and Science of Sexual Body Language. Available for instant download at http://www.mikealvear.com/ebook.

 

 

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Comments

[devadasi]

I'm a dance therapist and I can tell you that the body speaks your life story. Instead of traditional talk therapy, I have clients dance for up to a half hour and I watch; later we talk and I tell them what I see what's going on with them emotionally; often times while they're moving the client will begin to conjure up their own images and pictures that are helpful to them; all of our emotions are stored in the body, often time manifesting into physical ailments.

Posture and carriage is vital in exuding self confidence. Fake it till you make it.!

You're so right about the smile. People can't help but smile back at you.