At Least Have the Decency to Lie About Your Sexuality

I knew it was going to be a long flight when I asked the sweet grandmotherly woman sitting next to me why she was flying into town. "I'm the head of a non-profit Jewish organization," she said. Cool, I thought, until she finished. "We're here to work with the Christian Coalition."

Oi vey.

I twisted. I turned. I squirmed. I picked up a book. I did not want to have a conversation with this woman. But having grown up with a Jewish grandmother, I knew resistance was futile.

So we talked. And sure enough she raised a question so Jewish it practically comes with Matzo balls: "So are you single?"

There's a time and a place for coming out. This wasn't one of them. "Yes," I answered, quickly changing the subject. But she kept returning to the subject. "A nice boy like you not married?" I said something about not meeting the right person and changed the subject again.

Ignoring the subject switch, she said, "Well, I bet you have plenty of girls you're dating."

I told her I didn't and changed the subject. *Again.* She changed the subject right back. "So, really," she asked me. "Tell me why you haven't married."

I cracked. I put my book down, turned to her and said,

"I would if I could." She was confused. I looked in her eyes. "I'm gay."

Judging by the length of her silence, I clearly surprised her. And she surprised me right back. Her reaction wasn't at all what I expected. She didn't turn her shoulder and ignore me for the rest of the flight. She didn't suddenly go quiet and change the subject. Instead, she narrowed her eyes and said,

"Why do you people constantly flaunt your homosexuality? The peace on the plane was about to turn into a fight on the flight. "What do you mean 'flaunt,'" I said, exasperated. "I've been trying to keep my private life private but you've been badgering me about it for the last 15 minutes. What did you want me to do -- lie?"

"Yes," she said.

And with that one word I understood something about conservative people that I hadn't realized before. If they can't change you to fit their narrow view of the world, they expect you to at least have the decency to lie about it.

I stared straight ahead for a few seconds then turned to the woman. "You wanted me to pretend I'm something I'm not so that you wouldn't feel uncomfortable."

"Yes."

"So honesty is a virtue, unless it makes people uncomfortable?"

Now it was her turn to change the subject. Unfortunately, she turned it to every defamatory and derogatory distortion about gay people.

This was why I was trying to avoid the subject altogether. The only legitimate complaints on an airplane should be the food and the legroom. And now I had a stranger complaining about the most intimate aspect of my life.

I figured I could argue or ignore. The problem with the first strategy is that I'd never win; the problem with the second was that I'd never win.

It was a lose-lose proposition. Until I realized I was focusing on the wrong kind of win. I'd never triumph in a debate because conservatives react to logic and reason the way asthmatics react to pollen dust -- badly.

But there was something else I could win -- her heart. The only way to do that was to be everything she wasn't -- respectful, considerate, tolerant, gracious and funny. I didn't let her get away with any of the half-baked lies conservatives love to talk about (AIDS is a gay disease, etc.) but I also made my points in a way that disarmed her. In the end, I proved what everyone knows intuitively -- that what you say doesn't have nearly the power of how you say it.

By the time the plane landed we had moved on to other subjects, laughing and joking all the way through. When she got up to leave she offered her hand. I took it. "You didn't change my mind about the subject," she said. "But you changed my mind about you."

As I stepped off the plane I wondered how long it would take her to figure out there wasn't any difference between the two.

How gay marriage strengthens heterosexual marriage

Where does gay marriage rank in the top ten reasons why heterosexuals divorce?

For an explosively emotional site that helps conservative parents come to terms with their gay children (familyacceptance.com)

Comments

[Acidicscold]

you should ahve spilled something on her, perhaps urinated in her lap, or stuffed her food down her dress. an awful woman who deserves direct action for prying. don't cooperate with these anaimals.

[JrzWrld]

I would have pointed out that compromising on one's integrity so that others wouldn't feel uncomfortable is similar to the ways of thinking that contributed to the Holocaust. You don't speak up for what's true because you don't want to hurt feelings or stand out. You don't contradict. You go with the flow, the majority. And suddenly there's no moral center whatsoever.

And no, I don't think if I was a gay man in the situation Mike found himself in that I would have been that patient or friendly. If someone turns an encounter on an airplane into a hostile attack on me, I would have simply told her I found her to be unspeakably rude and judgmental, and I considered the conversation to be over. Then I would have turned up my iPod and gone to sleep.

With elderly people of that mindset, I really think that the only thing that will change their mind is when they have a grandchild or child who comes out to them. Even then, it's touch and go.

[NoCalDrummer]

Well, at least I know she wasn't from the Jewish Family & Children's Services. Their board voted unanimously to put out a statement against Proposition 8 back in October. It was described as a "civil rights issue" and even the conservatives on the board recognized that.

Perhaps when this woman realizes that she has a gay grandson or granddaughter, she'll change her tune. "Family" can be a very persuasive argument.

[calvinphoon]

kudos, good sir. i admire your courage.

[McFlipFlop]

Ditto. Great read!

[DasBoot]

Respect for your patience. I have a suspicion I would have exploded after the part about lying.

I still don't like the fact that conservatives insist that they are the default Americans and that everybody else has to prove their credentials first (that applies of course to gays, but really to all kinds of issues). Why do WE have to pamper THEM? When was the last time a conservative made an effort to convince one of us (kindly, with elaborate arguments) of the validity of their beliefs, lifestyle, existence?

But then again, you killed her softly with kindness.

[goodgravy]

changing the world one person at a time has always been my mantra. good work.

[obtusegoose]

very entertaining story. thank you :o)

[maumeeone]

Man, you have lot more patience than I think I would've had. At some point, I'm afraid I would have either told her to shut up and mind her own business, or I would have ignored her completely. It seems the older I get, the lower my tolerance threshold becomes for ignorant people. I applaud you for your decency in the face of willful ignorance.

[Mike Alvear - Huffpost Blogger]

I don't blame you, but I'm just not built that way. Besides, the woman was a riot--smart, funny, clever. I actually enjoyed talking to her--until she went witchy on my.

[spinstahbabe]

I take the same approach with my atheism. I prove with my actions that I have a strong moral framework that is totally consistent with true "Christian" values, keep a sense of humor, and win people over one at a time.

[llisa]

My mother was just like that woman--until she found out her beloved nephew had AIDS. This was a couple of decades ago, and she had not seen him in some time, but had always talked lovingly about taking him to the zoo and babysitting for him when he was a child. He grew up to be some bigwig in New York and she was proud of him.

Well, he stopped by to see her when he was in our state visiting his mother and they spent an afternoon laughing and crying while reminiscing. Some time after that, she met his partner. Long after Donnie died, she kept in touch with his partner who had nursed him all during his illness. And this is how she learned that gay people are only people--who have family, friends, lovers, hopes and dreams. . .

When we see others as individuals, we are better people.

[meko]

I admire your willingness to stick with it. If I'm on a flight and someone announces he or she is conservative and religious, I just pretend to go to sleep. I've had enough of this sort of conversation.

[PDQ]

I take it one step further than that. I don't talk to anyone on a plane except the flight attendant when I place my drink order.

[Januarycarol]

A great anecdote. Thanks.

[randyjet]

i have found that most gays react the same way to rational arguments against gay marriage as did your old lady to gays. The only post I can agree with is the conservative gay. Gay marriage is indeed a libertarian thing. I am not a libertarian, but a liberal. Marriage is a legal contract granted by the state for ITS benefit as well as that of the persons concerned. I can see no benefit accruing to the state for granting such a legal contract. It is like a subsidy which the government can and does grant for its benefit, as well as that of the business. Nobody other than a libertarian would argue that such a thing means ALL other businesses should get similar subsidies and have been denied their rights if they don't.

[larstein]

America is a nation dedicated, among other things, to "life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness." Gay marriage hurts no one except the distorted moral values of bigoted individuals. I am neither gay, nor a libertarian, but I believe gay marriage to be an advance in the long ever changing historic evolution of the marriage idea, because it makes the union of two souls its primary purpose, instead of the absurd logic that marriage can only be about procreation and the heterosexual nuclear family. America has a vested interest in promoting well being and happiness among all of its citizenry because that makes for a stable and sustainable civilization.

[alguien]

there are no rational arguements against gay marriage.


not a single one.

[rayy]

Many straights have an aversion to gay people that borders on a sort of allergic reaction. I believe it is largely due to societal conditioning. But how many gay people do they know, really? Bravo to you for being open honest and tolerant of her small-mindedness. Whether she yet realizes it or not, I think her mind grew three sizes that day!

[truthartbeauty]

I don't mind straight people as long as they act gay in public.

[Mike Alvear - Huffpost Blogger]

OMG, that is hilarious! I'm going to use that in my next column AND NOT GIVE YOU CREDIT. ;>)