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The New Gay Flake: He'd Rather Text Than Meet

02/06/2015 01:31 pm ET | Updated Feb 02, 2016
Betsie Van Der Meer via Getty Images

There's a new flake in town, and he's popping up everywhere -- bars, parties and social events. But, mostly, he's on the dating and hookup apps. He's the cute guy that flirts like crazy, but never quite commits to seeing you in person.

Like most people, I'm running in to this new flake way everywhere I go. He doesn't just respond to your texts; he actually initiates them (a sure sign from normal guys that they're into you). He tells you how hot he thinks you are, and sends loads of pics and goes crazy over yours.

But meet? Good luck.

Let's give this New Gay Flake a nickname: The Typist. Because he'd rather type out vowels and consonants into cyberspace than talk and laugh in real space.

The Typist never, EVER suggests meeting, even after he tells you how much he wants you. It will always be you who makes the suggestion to meet and his replies will fall into three general categories:

1. He'll ignore your suggestion. He'll keep texting as if you never asked him to coffee, drinks or dinner. At first, you think maybe your text didn't go through. You check and, yep, sure enough, there it is -- right below his text telling you how he can't wait to see you. You ask him out again, and again he ignores the question. Is it possible that AT&T renders certain texts in invisible ink? Because he's sure looking right through them.

2. He'll come up with a reasonable-sounding excuse. His car is in the shop. He's in the middle of moving. He's studying. He's exhausted. Work's got his hair on fire. But don't worry, he'll tell you. Relax, because he really wants to see you.

3. He'll go vague. You ask him to hang out. "I'd love to!" he says. But he can't. Insert sad emoji here. He'll talk about how much fun it would be to get together but tonight just won't work. "How about tomorrow?" you type, completely understanding that people have tight schedules. "Well, tomorrow won't work either, you see, because INSERT EXCUSE HERE." And when you press him, he reaches for vagueness: "Why don't we play it by ear?"

You shake your smartphone up and down and left and right because you could have SWORN he just spent the last 30 minutes telling you how hot you are and that he can't wait to get together.

Oh, well, just call him. Texting lacks context, after all. It's easy to misinterpret his replies. Ring. Ring. Ring. Voicemail. You leave a message because, hey, he's probably dying to talk to you, but he can't just now. INSERT PLAUSIBLE EXCUSE HERE.

Good news: He responds! Bad news: With a text. Hope, and a certain body part, springs eternal, so it doesn't fully sink in that anybody who answers a voicemail with a text is somebody that doesn't want to talk to you.

You can't quite figure out what's going on because he acts like he's in love with you. He responds to your texts instantly. He flirts. He compliments. He likes you, he really likes you!

So, why's he harder to pin down than a food allergy?

Because he's the Typist. And he'd rather text than meet. While the Typist is at home in any setting -- he could be a real guy you've physically met at a party -- he clearly prefers squatting on the dating and hookup apps. It's THERE that he does his best work. Because it's there that the fog of anonymity allows him to text with impunity and flirt without penalty.

It's now been several weeks since the Typist started texting, and your thwarted ambitions give birth to twins: Rage and helplessness. It's like talking to Comcast or Time Warner Cable. You threaten to shut the account, but you won't, because you don't really have other options.

Finally, you tell the Typist that you're going to stop texting if you don't meet. Surprisingly, he agrees. You set the time and place. Your chest puffs up in pride. See? You just need to be more assertive.

But he cancels at the last moment. Insert Excuse Here. Or he doesn't show up. Insert Excuse Here. You send Apple or Android an email begging for a "Flake Block" feature for your phone.

But they don't. And a few days later you get a text from the Typist:"Hey, handsome, how's it going?"