What is it about gay dating apps that brings out the bitchiness in us boys? When my team set out to find the bitchiest app profiles (see our 10 bitchiest app profiles here), we noticed a pattern: The successfully bitchy profiles (not everyone made our list; only the ones larded with attitude made it) were either arrogant ("ain't I great?") or condescending (as one contestant who made the list said in his profile, "UH8MECUZU8NTME").
If you want to make our list next year, here's a step-by-step guide to turning out a bitchy profile worthy of admiration.
1. Act as if the sun comes up to hear you crow: You're not bringing your A game unless you write like everyone got on Grindr to meet you. You own that app, baby, so work it. Preening arrogance isn't learned but earned, so show them ego's wages with a line like, "Clearly I'm the hottest thing on this app."
2. Make other people feel bad that they're not you: If you're young, say something like, "No old people!" If you're white, say, "Not into black." If you're masculine and in-shape, it's, "Fems and fats keep moving." People shouldn't just read your profile; they should leave scarred for life.
3. Rage against time wasters: Don't start your profile with something about you; start it like a caseworker yelling, "Next!" One profile we liked started with this line: "State your case! I don't like games or bs -- if you trying to f*ck say that!" Poetry. Pure bitchy poetry.
4. Get in touch with your inner bitch: A friend of mine once got thrown out of a bar for brawling with an ex. His explanation: "I thought he needed a margarita, no salt, so I threw it in his face." Exactly. You've got to throw that margarita -- salt or no salt -- in everyone's app-face. One profile we liked said, "It's not homophobia -- everybody hates you."
5. Attack the partnered: Your profile isn't meant to simply showcase your best assets; it's a soapbox to let people know what you think about open relationships. This is a favorite sport that separates the truly bitchy from the ladder climbers. One profile that got our attention said, "Have a great boyfriend? Then get off GrindR and do his laundry!" Word.
6. Make guys with HIV feel like crap: You can't actually attack people with HIV like you would anybody over 40, the not-in-shape or the not-so-masculine. With those groups you can be direct, because it's socially acceptable ("Fems or fats, keep moving," or my personal favorite, "Forty is spelled l-e-p-r-o-s-y"). No, attacking HIV-positive guys takes skill. That's why the bitchy came up with three letters, "DDF," which stands for "drug- and disease-free." And of course by "disease" they mean HIV. Add the line "And intend to stay that way" and you have a sharp knife that slides in without anybody knowing they've been stabbed until they see blood on the floor.
It takes cunning and skill to come up with a profile bitchy enough to meet our standards. But while it may get you accolades from our judges, it's doubtful that it's going to get you much more. If you're looking for a date or a hookup, making people feel bad about themselves or their friends isn't going to get you very far.
Michael Alvear is the author of the How to Text a Man series. The latest installment is Sex Up Your Texts! How to Text Your Way to a Date or a Hookup.
Follow Mike Alvear on Twitter: www.twitter.com/woodymillertime