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Perfect Positions for Sex on Valentine's Day

03/12/2009 05:12 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011
  • Mike Alvear Author of Eat It Later. Mastering Self Control & The Slimming Power Of Postponement

Is it, as comedian Lord Carret said, "her knees over my shoulders, with my wallet hidden where she'll never think of looking for it?"

Or is it a little more romantic than that?

But then, is there such a thing as a romantic sexual position? Certainly, there are elements that up the intimacy -- positions that allow eye contact, kissing, caressing, and offering unobstructed heart space (both partners facing each other so they figuratively and literally have heart-to-heart contact).

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But the whole thing breaks down when you try to pull all these elements into definitive positions. Especially, if you try to name those positions. "Missionary?" "69?" "Doggie Style?" Not part of any Romance Language I know. Recently, I asked my readers to come up with intimate names for sexual positions. Here's a sampling from the men:

• The You Tube
• Snatcher in the Rye
• The Backward Death Dive
• The Screaming Pelican
• The Tony Danza (what you say after you yell, "Who's the boss?")

Not much help. Did the women come up with anything better? Take a look:

• The Rolodex of Love
• The Butter Churn Tilt-a-Whirl.
• The Whiskey Waltz
• The Flckr Licker
• The Why Me Waterfall

Nobody got it right because it's not gettably right. Soaring romance is at odds with the nuts and bolts of the bomp-chicka-wow-wow. It can lay the groundwork or clean it up afterwards, but in the end, it's a victim of the often awkward, sometimes comedic attempt at physical union. Sexual physics is the Hoover Dam to the river of romance.

I gorged on Google Images, trying to find a visual for "romantic sexual positions." I think it's safe to say there's a big difference between romantic and pornographic imagery. One makes you long for something; the other makes you reach for it. One asks where it can take you; the other asks what it can do for you. The two are inseparable, of course, but not if you want your family-friendly browser to deliver pictures that make the point.

And there are some that do. It only took me a day and a half to find them, but they're there. Or rather, here. They're beautiful, they're PG, and they prove my contention that there's only one romantic sexual position for Valentine's Day: Eyes closed.

Mike Alvear is the author of Sex Inspectors Masterclass: How to Have an Amazing Sex Life, based on the TV series. Click here to see my collection of romantic sex positions (all PG-rated!)