Gay Dating: Women Are Ruining Sex for Gay Guys

I'm furious at my girlfriends. As more and more gay guys adopt their dating strategies (no sex without dating), people like me are getting less and less sex.

I'm from the old school. I believe in sex before dating.

There's a reason for that. Nothing kills sexual attraction more than having dinner with a guy so dull even the corn on the cob covers its ears.

Women are socialized to "hang on to it," as a girlfriend put it, until they get something valuable in exchange.

Men, on the other hand, are socialized to "let go of it." And the exchange rate has nothing to do with it.

Women have what men want, and this sets up a classic seller's market: Huge demand and a tight supply. The twist is that the suppliers want to give it away, too, but they can't because the market is regulated by outside forces --- religion, society and empty ring fingers. So while it's a seller's market, even the sellers aren't happy.

Sex between men, however, is the classic example of what happens when supply meets demand. Everybody's happy.

Last month I experienced what my girlfriends put their men through -- a "forced" date. That's when you're forced to pay for play. Meaning, Dinner.

Sound familiar, ladies?

See, a straight woman says, *"I'm sorry, I can't have sex with you until I get to know you."*

A gay man says, *"I'm sorry, but I can't get to know you until I have sex with you."*

And even when straight women know they want it, they're still liable to say, "I'm sorry I can't have sex with you until I order the lobster."

For some reason, more and more gay men find these dating strategies appealing. Maybe it's a reaction to the constant effort of avoiding HIV infection. Maybe safe sex fatigue is making gay men approach sex a little more romantically.

Whatever the reason, it's got to stop. I mean, once you complicate a simple transaction, there's no end to the byzantine complexities you can come up with.

Take the idea of accepting dates from guys you're not attracted to. A girlfriend calls this the "courtesy interview." It's like saying "I have no openings at the moment, but if you want to buy me an expensive dinner, I'll be glad to take a look at your resume."

Just yesterday I was trying to talk a gay friend out of going out with some guy he wasn't really attracted to just because he asked.

"Quit acting like a straight chick," I told him. "God gave you raging hormones. Use them! You don't go on dates to find out if you're attracted to someone; you go because you're attracted to them."

Imagine a straight guy asking a woman out if he wasn't really attracted to her.

Exactly. You can't.

A guy doesn't ask a woman out because he might be attracted to her. He asks her out because he paws the ground every time she walks by. And the ground's sick of it.

There are two reasons why it's important to have sex before you get to know someone. First, it often ruins your physical attraction to them. Case in point. I went on a date with this hottie. I wanted him like Whitney Houston wants a comeback.

But he wanted to go out first. Grrrrr. So we did, and with every sentence that came out of his mouth at dinner, my libidinal compass took another tick south. By the end of the evening, the arm in my compass had broken off.

I gave him a goodnight peck on the cheek, rushed out of the car, and gave him some bullshit excuse about having to get up early in the morning.

Of course, sometimes you're the dust bag who ruins it for the other guy. Case in point: I went on a date with a guy, who, again, refused my attempt at sex until he got to know me.

Christ, I thought, another straight woman in the guise of a gay man. Why can't I go out with whores like everyone else?

So I asked him out, all proper and everything.

As the date progressed, I could sense his compass taking ticking south with every word I said. By the end of the evening I hauled out a gong-sized electro-magnet in a vain attempt to pull the compass arm north.

I got a goodnight peck on the cheek as he rushed out of the car, claiming some bullshit excuse about having to get up early in the morning.

In both cases, whether I dumped or got dumped, I went home without any. How fair is that? My way (sex before dating) is better. With the guy I turned out not to like, I could have had hot sex while I liked him and treasured the memory before he ruined it with his insufferable personality.

With the guy who turned out not to like me, we could have had hot sex while he still liked me and he would have treasured the memory before I ruined it with my insufferable personality.

Ladies, if you want to torture straight men with your "No nookie without a cookie" dating strategies, fine. But we don't want you influencing our own time-tested strategies ("Free cookies!"). Our way everybody goes home happy. Your way people go home hungry.

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Follow Mike Alvear on Twitter: www.twitter.com/mikealvear

Comments

[texgal7]

I am happily married (hetero), possibly because of advice given to me by my gay male friend -- no sex until the third date.

[jag423]

While I don't disagree with the idea that romantic and sexual relationships are an exchange (I also believe in psychological egoism), this article blatantly re-affirmed stereotypes of both gays AND heterosexual women. Our society needs to move away from that, especially considering the fact that it's a commonly-held view that homophobia developed as a result of sexism. Gays and lesbians represent elements of [traditionally] heterosexual male and female genders, and as such have developed diverse views on sex. [Unfortunately, modern American gay culture still tries to polarize the sexual roles of gays, but that's another story.]
If you're disgusted with a person's character, you probably shouldn't be treating them to sex anyway... even if it is mutually pleasurable. You shouldn't be rewarding members of society that deserve less, and it's your responsibility to inform yourself.
And besides, if you think it's all about sex to guys, why should a guy's personality hurt your physical attraction to them? The truth is, emotions and romance are just as much a part of the body as sexuality is. Given this knowledge, I believe people should try to form relationships based more on the totality of the individuals involved.
I wish I could say a little more but I've run out of space...

[dezzu]

Mr. Alvear: I dare you to never use the word "slut" again, whether applied to men or women.

[mr charming]

how does any of this have anything to do with women?
how does you not getting laid before dating any woman's fault?
by implying that women only use sex as a tool to get what they want, not only do you strip women of sexual autonomy (i.e. getting laid cause they WANT to, not to get something), but it portrays them as frigid, manipulative people who's only desire is to "trick" a man into a relationship. this is a misogynistic attitude that is all too familiar in my gay brothers. take it from a lesbian who's gay buddies get laid regularly w/o much more than a quick texting conversation before hand. blaming someone else for your inability to get laid is pretty pathetic, and its most definitely sexist considering who you blame.

[merger]

This is really funny.

[Harold Stone]

--Women have what men want, and this sets up a classic seller's market: Huge demand and a tight supply.

Not always.

[Malkin71]

Women who hold out under the impression that:

"If he really likes me, then he'll wait"

Thinking that this helps weed out the bad seeds....

Except that no one really knows FOR SURE how they feel until after sex.

Many men probably thought they were really in love when it turned to be a combination of lust and a challenge.

If you "give it up" and he stays around, guess what, then you WILL know he likes you.

[SouthJerseySteve]

Gay men still have sex?!? I've been in a monogamous relationship with my man for almost 16 years now. I wouldn't know how to date (let alone Tweet about it) -- our hot nights are dinner and a movie! That's probably because we are almost 50... ha ha!

[hhscarletgray]

Amen brother! I am happily coupled, but guess what happened on the first date? A little less talk and a lot more action led to a very enthusiastic second date.

[Steamboater]

Then there's the situation where you meet someone and go on a date, which I happen to like, and he conveniently forgets to tell you something and you dont find out until you get to his aparmtment when his lover jumps in bed on top of you. That's happened to me several times and I walked out in a huff with my pride in tact but my d*ck still crazy about the guy. He even called me after and asked me for another date and said his lover was going out of town! Whether Gay or straight, you get all kinds. Men are pigs. Oink Oink :)

[Con-toons]

Mike,
That is why they serve drinks with dinner. I suggest more drinks, less dinner...usually works for me.

[rebeccaj]

OMG! No wonder I'm so screwed up. I'm a gay man.

[urnumbersix]

I'm a gay man too! How do I get out of this straight-woman body?

[generationyes]

HA!!! Very funny post. But contradicts the other post on twenty-somethings (straights) preferring "hook-ups" to dating. Maybe you're hanging out with the wrong age group?

[mikeijames]

we've all had the "thanks, but no thanks" dates and we've all hated them, but i think you're neglecting something that both many straight women and gay men fear: sober sex with someone you don't know.

going on dates also allows for that healthy two-or-thr­ee-glasses of comfort that society looks highly on. i'm sorry, but drinking the bottle of wine at home waiting for him to come over and rough you up gets old. why not actually go out and try to have a conversation because really, really, in the end, if you're THAT attracted to him, there's no conversation SO BAD that one too many glasses of pinot won't erase by the time you get back to the doorway.

[CornetMustich]

Dating....? How about marriage?

Mike, after almost 30 happy years with my spouse, I enjoyed ready about your difficulties.

This summer I will be officiating for many couples who are coming to CT from CA, VA, LA, NY and DC to wed because they aren't allow to do so in their own home states just yet.

Cheers, Joe Mustich, Justice of the Peace
Washington, Connecticut USA

http://justicesofthepeace.blogspot.com

But I digress.