Amidst the flaming shitstorm of popular outrage against Facebook's privacy policies, few have noticed the introduction of harsh new restrictions on irrelevant status updates. On July 1st of this year, the social media giant will unleash an advanced anti-banality algorithm to instantly delete the following categories of worthless garbage:

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Farmer Gary Withering carefully set the rickety staircase beneath the pigpen's door, then placed a handful of freshly oiled marbles at the top of the dilapidated stairs. "A sow with great balance will hardly notice. It's not like we're stacking lit candles on dry kindling in there. That's only for...

The economy suddenly ate it. My family and friends got laid off in startled droves. I heard countless tales of empty days, wasted nights, and a total lack of purpose. Basically, they were describing my ideal state of existence.

Then, shockingly, I saw these people becoming bored, frustrated, even depressed...