05/20/2010 01:19 pm ET | Updated May 25, 2011

Abstinence-Only Congressman Can't keep It in his Pants

The easiest way to spot a closeted politician is he's the one raging against homosexuality. Likewise, one sure tip-off that a married congressman is getting some on the side is that he can't stop talking about family values.

Indiana Republican Mark Souder was forced to resign when Congress' leading advocate of abstinence-only sex education was caught screwing one of his aides. (To be fair, this doesn't qualify as actual hypocrisy because abstinence-only teaches to abstain from sex before marriage and Congressman Souter is married - just not to the person he's banging.)

Souder made a name for himself as an evangelical Christian who embraces family values such as fighting AIDS prevention programs that include information on safe sex. So, I find it wonderfully ironic that a man who preached abstinence-only for AIDS prevention was brought down by his inability to abstain from his aide.

I became familiar with Rep Souder because he served on the Oversight and Government Reform Committee with the congresswoman I once worked for. At a hearing examining the flaws in abstinence-only education, Souder was outspoken in his support for the program, even though its effectiveness was unproven, at best. Well, turns out, he made a video later that day with the aide he was having an affair with.

Seriously, an actual sex tape would have been less damning. Evidently, all that talk about not having sex was quite a turn on, because Mark Souder is not an attractive man, even by Republican congressman standards, and his partner could surely do better.

So, do we all get it now that the moralists are not to be trusted? Come on, only people who are obsessed with sex choose to make its abolition their life's work.

Just like an anti-gay evangelical will never turn down an invitation for a naked massage, you can take it to the bank that any politician preaching family values is more likely than not to be staring at your tits while he does it.