Time to break out the breezy floral prints, shine up the white Mary Janes, dye some eggs...and reinforce the barbed wire on the electrified fence surrounding your split-level Cape Cod.
April is a dangerous month, and not just because of the thunderstorms, floods, and tornadoes. In middle America, it's raining gun-crazed Tea baggers. Call it Spring Fever, but history shows that April is the preferred month for the beer-bellied Bubbas to go all Jesse James and start piling up assault weapons, ammo, MRE's and Bibles in their backyard bunkers while flailing their arms and raving about their misguided message of the day. It may be Obama's assault on the Second Amendment; or the filthy Democratic trick that banned God, The Bible, and His commandments from the courtrooms and classrooms; or the illegal Liberal Socialist confiscatory income tax; or the minorities and/or illegals who are ruining (White) America - taking our jobs and corrupting our good Christian women; and they're especially unhappy about the Ungodly Homosexuals who are lurking in our military, our schools, our YMCA locker rooms, forcing their full-frontal Gay Agenda assault on the Constitution and random unsuspecting, innocent straight white men everywhere.
So, in these last precious, safe days of March we learn that the FBI raided a nest of religious militants in Michigan over the weekend, you know it's time for the rest of us average American citizens to break out the Kevlar. According to CNN, "Nine suspected members of a militia group were charged Monday with seditious conspiracy and related charges [including] attempted use of weapons of mass destruction, teaching the use of explosive materials and possessing a firearm during a crime of violence . . . . The five-count indictment unsealed Monday charges that since August 2008, the defendants, acting as a Lenawee County, Michigan, militia group called the Hutaree, conspired to oppose by force the authority of the U.S. government. The Hutaree group proclaims on a Web site it is 'preparing for the end time battles to keep the testimony of Jesus Christ alive.'"
Hmmm . . . . sounds like the goal of your average Fox "News" fanatic or typical Sarah Palin worshipper. They sure luv her rockin' website with its map of the US with the exciting gun-sight targets on all the states with Democrats up for reelection. Yeah, we got your message Sister Sarah Baraccuda, loud and clear; 10-4! Just tell us where to bring the bullets. (She's so bitchin' hot in her tight leather jacket, shootin' animals and stuff from her helicopter).
But where is Glenn Beck and his magic white-board when you need him? I don't speak "Christo-fascist" and need an interpreter. I don't understand these organizations. It never fails to amaze me how they can read the Bible and somehow "hear" the divine mission from their Savior, their Lord Jesus Christ . . . who wants them to stockpile automatic weapons and shoot up a church.
I'm sure the FBI gave some consideration to the timing of the raid: do they wait until after the dreaded mid-April danger zone so as not to inadvertently inspire other sleeper cells of knuckle-dragging kooks to arm up and start shooting normal people, or - do they strike now and deactivate this group of goons before they fulfill their McVeigh fantasies? For the Feds it had to be a tough call.
So. Historically, how scary is April if you haven't yet thrown in with the locked-and-loaded lunatics? The kind folks at the Southern Poverty Law Center have created a handy guide to the most infamous right-wing domestic terror attacks against the United States. Ever notice, it's never the eeeevil libruls who scour Home Depot circulars for sales on fertilizer and empty aluminum tubes and stockpile copies of The Turner Diaries in their clammy apartments in their parent's basements. But, I digress . . .
We all know the April 19, 1993 siege on Waco has become the High Holy Day for these militia maniacs, Here's just a smattering of other notable April events and arrests in the Dangerous Wing Nut Hall of Fame (the complete list can be found here):
April 19,1995 On the anniversary of Waco, anti-government, right-wing militia sympathizer Timothy McVeigh drove an explosive-laden Ryder truck to the Alfred P. Murrah Federal Building in Oklahoma City. The explosion wrecked much of downtown Oklahoma City and killed 168 people, including 19 children in a day-care center. Another 500 were injured.
April 11, 1996
Antigovernment activist and self-described "survivalist" Ray Hamblin is charged with illegal possession of explosives after authorities find 460 pounds of the high explosive Tovex, 746 pounds of ANFO blasting agent and 15 homemade hand grenades on his property in Hood River, Ore. Hamblin is sentenced to almost four years in federal prison, and is released in March 2000.
April 12, 1996
Apparently inspired by his reading of a neo-Nazi tract, Larry Wayne Shoemake kills one black man and wounds seven other people, including a reporter, during a racist shooting spree in a black neighborhood in Jackson, Miss., then sets a restaurant on fire and kills himself. A search of his home finds references to "Separation or Annihilation," an essay on race relations by neo-Nazi National Alliance leader William Pierce, along with an arsenal of weapons that includes 17 long guns, 20,000 rounds of ammunition, and countless military manuals.
April 26, 1996
Two leaders of the Militia-at-Large of the Republic of Georgia, Robert Edward Starr III and William James McCranie Jr., are charged with manufacturing shrapnel-packed pipe bombs for distribution to militia members.
April 22, 1997
Three Ku Klux Klan members are arrested in a plot to blow up a natural gas refinery outside Fort Worth, Texas, after local Klan leader Robert Spence gets cold feet and goes to the FBI. The three, along with a fourth arrested later, were hoping to kill a huge number of people with the blast -- authorities later say as many as 30,000 might have died -- which was to serve, incredibly, as a "diversion" for a simultaneous armored car robbery.
April 23, 1997
Florida police arrest Todd Vanbiber, a member of the neo-Nazi National Alliance's Tampa unit and the shadowy League of the Silent Soldier, after he accidentally sets off pipe bombs he was building, blasting shrapnel into his own face. He is accused of plotting to use the bombs at Disney World. Disney World!Released in 2002, Vanbiber within two years is posting messages on neo-Nazi Internet sites boasting that he has built over 300 bombs successfully and only made one error, and describing mass murderer Timothy McVeigh as a hero.
April 27, 1997
After a cache of explosives stored in a tree blows up near Yuba City, Calif., police arrest Montana Freemen supporter William Robert Goehler. Investigators looking into the blast arrest two Goehler associates, one of them a militia leader, after finding 500 pounds of explosives -- enough to level three city blocks -- in a motor home parked outside their residence. He is later accused of stabbing his attorney with a "shank" and charged with attacking prison psychologists.
April 28, 2000
Unemployed immigration attorney Richard Baumhammers, himself the son of Latvian immigrants, goes on a rampage in the Pittsburgh area against non-whites, killing five people and critically wounding a sixth. Baumhammers had recently started a tiny white supremacist group, the Free Market Party, that demanded an end to non-white immigration into the United States.
April 19, 2001
White supremacists Leo Felton and girlfriend Erica Chase are arrested following a foot chase that began when a police officer spotted them trying to pass counterfeit bills at a Boston donut shop. Investigators quickly learn Felton heads up a tiny group called Aryan Unit One, and that the couple, who had already obtained a timing device, planned to blow up Black and Jewish landmarks and possibly assassinate Black and Jewish leaders.
April 3, 2003
Federal agents arrest anti-government extremist David Roland Hinkson in Idaho and charge him with trying to hire an assassin on two occasions in 2002 and 2003 to murder a federal judge, a prosecutor and an IRS agent.
April 10, 2003
The FBI raids the Noonday, Texas, home of William Krar and storage facilities that Krar rented in the area, discovering an arsenal that includes more than 500,000 rounds of ammunition, 65 pipe bombs and remote-control briefcase bombs, and almost two pounds of deadly sodium cyanide. Also found are components to convert the cyanide into a bomb capable of killing thousands. Also found: white supremacist and antigovernment material.
April 1, 2004
Neo-Nazi Skinhead Sean Gillespie videotapes himself as he firebombs Temple B'nai Israel, an Oklahoma City synagogue, as part of a film he is preparing to inspire other racists to violent revolution. In it, Gillespie boasts that instead of merely pronouncing the white-supremacist "14 Words" slogan ("We must secure the existence of our people and a future for White children"), he will carry out 14 violent acts of terror.
April 26, 2007
Five members of the Alabama Free Militia are arrested in north Alabama in a raid by federal and state law enforcement officers that uncovers a cache of 130 homemade hand grenades, an improvised grenade launcher, a Sten Mark submachine gun, a silencer, 2,500 rounds of ammunition and almost 100 marijuana plants. Raymond Kirk Dillard, the founder and "commander" of the group, complained about the collapse of the American economy, terrorist attacks, and Mexicans taking over the country.
April 4, 2009
Three Pittsburgh police officers are fatally shot and a fourth is wounded after responding to a domestic dispute at the home of Richard Andrew Poplawski, who had posted his racist and anti-Semitic views on white supremacist websites. In one post, Poplawski talks about wanting a white supremacist tattoo. He also reportedly tells a friend that America is controlled by a cabal of Jews, that U.S. troops may soon be used against American citizens, and that he fears a ban on guns is coming.
April 25, 2009
Joshua Cartwright, a Florida National Guardsman, allegedly shoots to death two Okaloosa County, Fla., sheriff's deputies -- Burt Lopez and Warren "Skip" York -- at a gun range. Cartwright's wife later tells investigators that her husband was "severely disturbed" since Barack Obama was elected president. He also reportedly believed the U.S. government was conspiring against him.
Remember, the disparate, dangerous nut cases have united to proudly display their massive, manly, potent firepower at the Big Gun March on the infamous Waco anniversary April 19, 2010. After the FBI raids this week, the leather-clad Palinicious TV appearances on her new media tour, and the latest mad ravings from the right-wing media loons, they're sure to be extra-excited. Nice.
Hey, is it time to buy the plastic baskets and bright-colored marshmallow peeps?
From the Mike Malloy ShowMike can be heard and seen nightly from 9pm-12am ET at Mike Malloy Show