It's OK to Ask for Help

How do you feel about asking other people for help?

I've noticed that many of us, myself included, get a little funny about requesting support. While we're all different and we each have our own unique perspective, reaction, and process as it relates to reaching out to others, it seems that this can be quite a tricky exercise for most of the people I know and work with.

I have somewhat of a bipolar relationship to asking for help myself. I can definitely be a "lone ranger" at times and often, especially when I feel stressed or pressured, try to do everything myself -- either because I feel insecure about asking for support or because I self righteously think that I'm the only one who can do it the "right" way. On the other hand, I can sometimes be quite pushy, forceful, and presumptuous with my requests (aka demands) of support (or so I've been told). Ah, to be human!

However, as I've also experienced personally and seen in others many times throughout my life and in my work, there is a beautiful place of balance between going it all alone and demanding help from others in an obnoxious way. This all stems from our ability to genuinely ask for and graciously receive the support of other people. The irony of this whole phenomenon is that most of us love to help others, while many of us have a hard time asking others for help ourselves.

Requesting support can often make us feel vulnerable. We usually think (somewhat erroneously) that we should be able to do everything ourselves or that by admitting we need help, we are somehow being weak. In addition, many of us are sensitive about being told "no" and by asking others to help us we put ourselves out there and risk being rejected.

What if we had more freedom to ask for what we wanted and for specific support from other people? What if we could make requests in a confident, humble and empowering way? What if we remembered that we are worthy of other people's help and that our ability to both ask for and receive it not only supports us, but also gives them an opportunity to contribute (which most people really want to do).

It still might be a little scary, we may get our feelings hurt from time to time, and on occasion people may have some opinions or reactions to what we ask for or how we do so. But, when we give ourselves permission and remind ourselves that it's not only OK, but essential for us to ask for help -- we can create a true sense of support and empowerment in our lives and in our relationships!

Here are a few things we can do to have more freedom and confidence when asking for help.

1. Make Genuine Requests, without Attachment. A "genuine" request can be accepted or declined, without any consequence. In other words, if we get really upset when someone says "no" to us, not only were we attached to the outcome, it probably wasn't a real request to begin with (it was a demand). When we ask for what we want, without being attached to the response, we have more freedom to ask and ultimately our chances of getting what we want are greatly increased.
2. Be Easy To Support.
   There are some specific things we can do to make it easier to support us. Such as:
   • Be open to the coaching and feedback of others
   • Thank people for their support
   • Let people do things to support us in their own unique way instead of micro-managing them (this one is often tough for me)
   • Allow people's support when it is offered
3. Give Your Support to Others Generously.
   When we put our attention on supporting other people, the universe has a way of returning the favor. It may or may not always come back to us from the people we help specifically, and that's OK. We want to do our best not to "keep score," as many of us often do, but instead to look for opportunities to genuinely help those around us. When we do this, we remind ourselves of the power of support and we experience it as the true "win-win" it is.

Mike Robbins is a sought-after motivational keynote speaker, coach, and the bestselling author of "Focus on the Good Stuff" (Wiley) and "Be Yourself, Everyone Else is Already Taken" (Wiley). More info -- www.Mike-Robbins.com

 

 

 

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Comments

[Hopalongpoppyseed]

01:19 PM on 01/30/2011

Yes, it is important to be able to ask for help and accept it. It is also a virtue to practice self reliance, when you can. Everyone should know how to determine the points on the compass and find their way around, with exceptions for making late appointments on dark rainy nights.

[AllyCat7]

12:18 PM on 01/30/2011

Great article. I have struggled with this my entire life...having too much pride to ask for help, even from my family...and even if I desperately need it. This bad habit of mine often exacerbates my problems and has gotten me into quite a few pickles. I'm just now slowly learning how to ask for help. It's difficult, but the thought of one day being able to help those that have helped me makes it a little easier.

[Guy Farmer]

04:28 AM on 01/30/2011

Great insights Mike. It's amazing how many doors open when we ask for help as well as offering it to others. As you indicate, asking for help isn't about being weak, it's about realizing that we'll be stronger when we get it.

[Richcrafter]

01:39 AM on 01/30/2011

In a deeply self centred culture where needs are perceived as weakness; asking for often means "failure" rather than the strength and fortitude to say, "I can't do this alone".

But we reward the obscenely self indulgent: and rarely the self-sufficient one who says, "I need a helping hand".

Little in our culture encourages this. We are a culture of narcissists.

[Daniel Koeker]

06:59 AM on 01/30/2011

I'm not sure about narcissism, but culture, as you said. Consider the difference between Western and Asian cultures. We're all about personal gain, success and aspiration, where many Asian countries are seen as more collective and working together. That doesn't necessarily mean one is better than the other, though I do agree that in a culture like ours, it does present certain stigmas against certain things. I prefer to think of it as rewarding hard work and promoting competition. For some people it does go a little too far, and we can all step back from time to time and remember that we're all in this together and all need a little help sometimes.

[AllyCat7]

12:19 PM on 01/30/2011

Good point.

[AnastaciaBrice]

12:35 AM on 01/30/2011

Hi, Mike!

I've been sitting here thinking about the difference between making a request that has no attachment to the response, and having attachment making it a demand, and I admit I see it a bit differently when it comes to specifically asking for help.

The difference, for me, is in wanting (or in some cases, needing) help. If we want/need help, we are in a place where we don't think we can manage alone. There's a heightened sense of urgency, and possibly anxiety. And so asking for help probably *does* come with attachment to outcome--we wouldn't ask someone we believed might say no, and we probably wouldn't ask someone we didn't think was going to be able to help..

But is that a demand? I don't see it that way at all.

What I think *is* true is that it's smart to be open to what SORT of help the person you're asking can give. You may ask Sally for a ride to work because your car won't start, and although you might be thinking she'll say yes, it *could* be that she's sick, not going to work herself, and offers to let you borrow her car. Or maybe she can't drive or let you borrow, but knows another friend nearby who would love to give the ride.

I think it's in the being open that we stand a better chance of getting the help we want/need.

Thanks for making me think, Mike!
A

[okornot]

11:09 AM on 02/01/2011

"And so asking for help probably *does* come with attachment to outcome--w­e wouldn't ask someone we believed might say no..."

I was thinking the same thing. Its one thing to see others receiving help serendipitously seemingly without asking. Its something else when you go through your whole life and always coming up short time after time after time. Ask anyone with an incurable disease no one can identify. If the answer to your request for help is "...no", the reason for their decline may be totally reasonable and legitimate, but the answer is still "...no" A common piece of advice if you want to start a business is to ask those who are successful at it already. Nobody tells you that the person you ask views you as competition for work.

[Daniel Koeker]

07:59 PM on 01/29/2011

Asking really is the hardest part, even if it's a small thing. I think when someone is nervous about the response, it might also have something to do with how they think they've been helping out as well. For example, I always worry about asking for any assistance because I feel like I ask too much, but don't give back enough. So #3 is definitely an important one.

That said, I know there are always people who will offer it anyway, because good relationships are like that; not to mention there are many good people out there, even if they happen to be strangers.

Good article though, and three very important tips!

[Fretslayer]

06:02 PM on 01/29/2011

A little over ten years ago I was in a pretty nasty car accident.
One of the side effects was my loss of short term memory. I literally had to carry a little notebook with me that I would use to write down who I spoke to, when and what about. If I did not do this, I could (and at times actually did) walk up to the same person more than once and have the same conversation over and over again. Never remembering I just had this conversation less than ten minutes ago.

During this time I forgot how to play guitar and I also forgot the 400+ songs I had written.

Because I was able to admit that I needed help and because I was able to put my ego aside and admit to my band that I forgot how to play, they (the band) were able to teach me all of the songs I had taught to them over the years. I am so far beyond grateful that I had such an amazing support group of friends during that time. Because of what I went through and how my friends reacted to it, I am able to play guitar again, write songs again, and most importantly my friendships/relationships with the guys in my band are stronger than I could have ever imagined or hoped for.

This is one guy who thinks we look a lot more foolish 'lost' then we ever do asking for directions.

[BlueZoo]

10:32 PM on 01/29/2011

You are incredibly blessed to have such wonderful friends in your life! I hope you've written a song that tells them what their being there for you has meant to you and to your life.

[Fretslayer]

12:49 AM on 01/30/2011

Thanks for that.

While I've never written any type of song about it, I have on many occasions grabbed onto members of my band and hugged them and thanked them for being there for me and for being 'them'.

Where I think I'm really lucky is that my band isn't like a lot of 'modern bands' in that we weren't musicians who made a band or joined a band... We've been friends for most of our lives and knew each other before any of us had any talent.

We're not guys who became friends while being in a band.
We're guys who are friends who created a band.
That is something that is very rare these days.

I've known one of them since 1976, another since 83 and another since 85.
At this point, we've been together longer than any of them have been married.
That's not just a friendship...
...that's an investment in our lives.

And yes, I am so very blessed to have my friends and I do my best to never take any of them for granted. They feel the same way about me so I guess we're all a lucky bunch of kids pretending to be adults. :)

[AllyCat7]

12:22 PM on 01/30/2011

Great post!