My mom, Lois Dempsey Robbins, was diagnosed with stage four lung cancer in early March. The disease spread very quickly and on June 13, she passed away. I was honored and grateful to be with her through her dying process. It was both horrible and beautiful at the same time.
My mom's physical pain and deterioration, realizing that she was going to die and that at 37-years-old I would be without either of my parents (my dad died almost 10 years ago), and knowing that my girls would grow up without their grandma (who absolutely adored them), were some of the most difficult parts of the experience.
However, the closeness, family connection, deep conversations, healing, insights, love, forgiveness and support have been some of the most wonderful aspects of all of this -- while she was sick, as she was dying, and in the past month or so since her death.
Four of the most intimate and sacred experiences of my life have been the births of our two girls and the deaths of each of my parents. I'm grateful and honored to have been able to experience all four of these magical moments live and in person. Although the emotions of the births and the deaths were quite different, the level of intimacy, sacredness, and profundity were of similar impact and depth for me.
I'm deeply engaged in my grief process right now -- doing my best to stay present in the midst of the intense and contradictory thoughts and feelings I've been experiencing. While I've been feeling sadness and pain, I also feel a lot of love and appreciation - both for my mother's life and all she taught me, and for the experience of being with her through her death.
Death teaches us so much about life and about ourselves, even though it can be very difficult to comprehend and experience -- especially when the person dying is someone very close to us. As a culture we don't really talk about it, deal with it, or face it in an authentic way. It often seems too scary, mysterious, personal, loaded, heavy, emotional, tragic, andmore.
What if we embraced death -- our own and that of those around us -- in a real, vulnerable and genuine way? What if we lived life more aware of the fact that everyone around us, including ourselves, has a limited amount of time here on earth?
Embracing death consciously alters our experience of ourselves, others and life in a fundamental and transformational way. It allows us to remember what truly matters and to put things in a healthy and empowering perspective. Doing this is much better for us than spending and wasting our time worrying, complaining, and surviving the circumstances, situations, and dramas of our lives, isn't it?
One of the most profound things my mom said a few weeks before she died was, "I want people to know that they don't have to suffer through this." As the end was getting closer, my mom's awareness, insight, and desire to share her wisdom increased and it was beautiful.
Below are some of the key lessons I learned from her as she began to embrace death in the final days and weeks of her life. These are simple (although not easy) reminders for each of us about how to live life more fully:
1. Express Yourself:Say what you have to say, don't hold things back. As my mom got closer to death, she began to express herself with a deeper level of authenticity and transparency. We had conversations about things we'd never talked about and she opened up in ways that were both liberating and inspiring. Too often in life we hold back, keep secrets, and don't share what's real -- based on our fear of rejection, judgment, and alienation. Expressing ourselves is about letting go of our limiting filters and living life "out loud."
2. Forgive:My mom and I come from a long line of grudge holders. Like me, she could hold a grudge with the best of 'em. I watched as she began to both consciously and unconsciously let go of her grudges and resentments, both big and small. It was if she was saying, "Who cares?" When you only have a few months (or weeks) to live, the idea that "Life's too short," becomes more than a bumper sticker or a catch phrase, it's a reality. And, with this reality, the natural thing for us to do is to forgive those around us, and ourselves.
3. Live With Passion: Going for it, being bold, and living our lives with a genuine sense of passion is so important. However, it's easy to get caught up in our concerns or to worry what other people will think about us. My mom, who was a pretty passionate woman throughout her life, began to live with a deeper level of passion, even as her body was deteriorating. In her final days and weeks, she engaged everyone in conversation, talked about what she was passionate about, shared grandiose ideas, and let go of many of her concerns about the opinions of others. It was amazing and such a great model and reminder of the importance of passion.
4. Acknowledge Others:At one point about a month or so before my mom died she said to me, "It's so important to appreciate people ... I don't know why I haven't done more of that in my life." Even in the midst of all she was going through and dealing with (pain, discomfort, medication, treatment, and the reality that her life was coming to an end), she went out of her way to let people know what she appreciated about them -- and people shared their appreciation with her as well. My friend Janae set up a "joy line" for people to call and leave voice messages for my mom in her final days. We got close to 50 of the most beautiful messages, all expressing love and appreciation for my mom -- most of which we were able to play for her before she passed away. Appreciation is the greatest gift we can give to others - and, we don't have to wait until we're dying to do it or until someone else is dying to let them know!
5. Surrender:While my mom clearly wasn't happy about dying, didn't want to leave us or her granddaughters, and felt like she had more to do on this earth, something happened about a month and a half before she died that was truly remarkable -- she surrendered. For my mom, who had a very strong will and was a "fighter" by nature, this probably wasn't easy. However, watching her surrender to what was happening and embrace the process of dying was truly inspirational and life-altering for those of us around her and for her as well. So much of the beauty, healing, and transformation that occurred for her and for us during her dying process was a function of surrendering. Surrendering isn't about giving up, giving in, or selling out, it's about making peace what is and choosing to embrace life (and in this case death) as it shows up. Our ability (or inability) to surrender in life is directly related to the amount of peace and fulfillment we experience.
My mom taught me and all of us that even in the face of death, it is possible to experience joy -- what a gift and a great lesson and legacy to leave behind. And, as each of us consciously choose to embrace the reality of death in our lives, we can liberate ourselves from needless suffering, worry, and fear -- and in the process experience a deeper level of peace and fulfillment.
Mike Robbins is a sought-after motivational keynote speaker, coach, and the bestselling author of Focus on the Good Stuff (Wiley) and Be Yourself, Everyone Else is Already Taken (Wiley). More info - www.Mike-Robbins.com
Follow Mike Robbins on Twitter: www.twitter.com/mikedrobbins
Your perceptions and insights into the nature of "surrender" - "making peace with what is and choosing to embrace life as it shows up" are the stuff of religion. If we are given a glimpse of the divine then we must define it for ourselves. Your insights into love and death, appreciation and surrender, are a rare gem.
May perpetual light surround your mother and may she rest in peace.
Like you, my parents are gone, but it has been many years. The memory of my mother, frail and suffering in her final days, has given way to a younger woman, a woman of perhaps 30 years of age, with a vibrant smile, a full head of hair and a laugh that warmed our hearts. I find that with all those I have lost. They are healed in our hearts eventually of the ills and injuries that take them from us. I hope those memories prevail in their due time for you as well.
I also thank you for these important reminders of how to live in ways that makes dying simpler and easier for those we leave behind. These are lessons we should embrace at the beginnings of our live to make the journey even more meaningful.
First, my heart goes out to you. I recently lost my mom (11 year battle with cancer) and my dad (7 year battle with Alzheimer's). I was fortunate enough to be their caregiver and can completely relate to your comment about the experience being horrible and beautiful at the same time. If I had 1% of the eloquence you have, I would have written this article word for word. I posted this Gaelic prayer when Betty Ford passed, and I'll post it again for you and your family
Deep peace of the running wave to you
Deep peace of the flowing air to you
Deep peace of the quiet earth to you
Deep peace of the shining stars to you
Deep peace of the gentle night to you
Moon and stars pour their healing light on you
Deep peace to you.
With time, the things that bring tears to your eyes will make you smile. Don't cry because you lost her, smile because you had her.
The night before my mom died, I asked her who she loved more, me or morphine. She said, "(name deleted, I've loved you for 51 years but right now I'd have to say morphine." I'll always have that piece of my mom's humor with me.
By the way, your 5 lessons are exquisite. Let us all learn those lessons!
Peace to you and your loved ones.